I've been dating this guy with aspergers for almost 7 months now. In the beginning of our relationship we were very close and intimate but after I was diagnosed with anxiety I was unable to be intimate again. It made me very uncomfortable. We went to therapy for it and I discovered why I'm unable to be intimate was because when I was younger I was molested by an older cousin for a really long time and I never dealt with those feelings so now its really affecting me. He knows this but he would still ask for small intimate activities. I would say no but he would keep asking and begging until I finally said yes so he would leave me alone.
So recently he started having sex with me while I was sleeping and I woke up panicking and he started panicking and apologizing. I started pushing him away and that's where he started crying because he really loves me and he feels guilty. Now my feelings are even more confusing and I don't know what to do. I want to break up with him. But he has aspergers so I don't know if he really understands why what he did was wrong and he and his mom keep telling me that it was a mistake and he didnt mean to do it and he's sorry and he wants to fix it. But I don't know if I can trust him again.
I feel like he raped me and thats unforgivable.
I told him about my past. He knows its hard for me to even give him hand jobs because its so uncomfortable. But I still did it because I love him and I wanted to please him. The feeling of his hard penis when we are cuddling makes me super uncomfortable too but I tried my best to not think about it because I love him. I compromised so much for him even though it made me uncomfortable and he does this to me??? I feel so betrayed. But why do I feel sorry for him??? I'm so confused I don't know what my feelings are anymore.
Today he came up to me trying to explain why he did what he did. He claims to have sexonmia but i think hes just trying to put the blame on something else instead of taking the blame. I really dont know what to do.