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My boyfriend has a low libido! Will it ever improve?

By April 30, 2011 - 5:10am
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Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and a half. Im 19 and he is just 24. When we got together i was a virgin and he had had about 7 sexual partners. At first the sex was good, exciting, new and quite regular (once a week-ish) although he would rarely orgasm. However since about 8 months ago, it has drastically depleted. It all started when we were having sex and he went soft during the middle of it. He apologised and i wasn't that bothered, just thought it was a one time thing, can happen to anyone. Since then however it has happened every time, and since then we have only had sex around 1-2 times a month. At the time when it first started he was working night shifts alot and was quite stressed with work, so i put it down to that and so did he. He has been back to normal hours for 4 months now and the problem is still the same. About 2 months ago i finally spoke to him about it, i was becoming upset and disheartened as i thought i was doing something wrong. Did he not fancy me anymore? Why didn't he want to sleep with me? Why couldn't i make him orgasm, but he could make me? We both became very upset (first time id ever seen him cry) and he did everything to reassure me it was him and not me. He still fancies me and its just the way he is. He says that he gets his enjoyment from making me orgasm during sex. We have since had another argument over the lack of sex we have and he was more defensive this time. He said he felt i was being unreasonabIe and most relationships don't have sex that often. Yet i still feel like i literally force him into having sex with me, if i dont badger him enough about it then i feel like we never would! And sometimes that can make me feel cheap, slaggy and desperate. It's realy getting me down. We both love each other a lot, but this is becoming a big problem in our relationship. We want to move in together, but im not sure anymore. If i imagine a future with him all i see is us getting married and him not wanting sex on our wedding night! Or trying for babies but we can't because he can't orgasm during sex! I am also concerned for his health because he cant orgasm/goes soft regularly and feel like this could be because of a health issue? I've spoken to him about this but he refuses to see a doctor and thinks that nothing is wrong. I don't think it is his diet as that hasn't changed since i've known him and he dislikes his job, but that has been the case for 6 years now and he isn't really doing anything about it. He isn't fully happy with his body, he often says his stomach is fat (it's really really not fat) He is about 6ft and 13 1/2 stone.

I don't know what to do, i love him and want to stay with him, but i'm only young and i feel like i'm really missing out on great sex! I know sex isn't everything, but i think for a relationship to survive it needs to be good and enjoyed from both sides. Any advice for me?

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EmpowHER Guest

Another thinng to consider, and i just being honest here, is that he may be cheating on you. I know because the same things happened to me. Same feelings for a long time of not being desirable to my husbannd and what not and of course him telling me I was the one with the problem.. he didnt have a problem sleeping with everyone after i left him tho... so there are my thoughts on that possibility.

March 11, 2013 - 4:30pm

babibubbles - thanks so much for your comment. Yes he does watch porn and he can ejaculate whilst masturbating to porn, but he doesnt masturbate that often, i'd say 1-2 times a week (so he tells me, but i do believe this)

I've spoken to him, mainly about being concerned for his health more than anything as i do think an underlying health issue could be to blame. He is adamant that nothing is wrong with him and he doesn't need to see a doctor. I keep telling him it's not normal and i am worried! But he thinks that because he can ejaculate through masturbation then he is fine. He also said that it is probably a mental issue and he 'has things playing on his mind'. He vaguely mentioned things such as feeling pressured, needing to try different things, needing to feel more excited, disliking his job and wanting a new one. I tried to talk to him about these issues but he didnt want to discuss them further. He said he felt like he was letting us both down. Now i feel really awful for making him feel this way and feel like the situation will worsen! We have sort of left it in an awkward way now, and im sure another conversation will be had - it's needed to fully sort this out.

Cassie - i feel the same, it is strangely comforting to know that someone else is going through this too. There is always an excuse with my bf, usually that he is tired. But even on his day off when he has just woken up he is tired! It's so frustrating.
We have talked, and i have found out that he wants to try new things, feel more excited - maybe talk to your bf about things he likes/ wants to do and tell him you would be open to trying different things.
Also my bf has told me that he prefers sex in the morning/ day time than to evening/ bed time as he is way to tired for it then. We are both at work in the morning/ day, but maybe on days off we'll see what happens. Maybe your bf is the same way? Book a night away in a nice hotel together and see what happens?
Good luck!

May 14, 2011 - 7:03pm
EmpowHER Guest

Wow. I just read your story. I am going through the exact same thing with my boyfriend. Beginning, it was great, new, and exciting..and now he's working a 3rd shift job as well. He always says he's extremely exhausted and just doesn't "want to" have sex. It drives me nuts. I don't like feeling cheap or desperate either. Every time I try talking to him about he just gets mad cause I've apparently got to change my priorities. I don't think it's a priority at all. It's a feel good thing on my part, and I rather enjoy it. When we don't have sex I feel like a part of us is missing. I hate too that it's such a big deal to me, but I don't like feeling unwanted. I tell him that constantly, and he always reassures me as well that it's not me. I think it's sad to say, but I'm somewhat comforted that I'm not the only one going through a situation like this. I just keep hoping that one day he'll come home and just have TONS of energy to take out on me. Hah. I'm in the entire same boat. I hope that I can convince him to try and find a solution for my sake, as well as our relationship. I think both of our boyfriends should see a doctor. At least we know they mean well. :) If you find an answer or a solution, let me know!

May 11, 2011 - 6:55pm
EmpowHER Guest

Hi Charlie123,

I have two thoughts on your situation. The first is to talk to him, get communication flowing. Second, is that he may feel self-conscience just as we do as women!

Talk , talk, talk.... and explain your concerns. It may be helpful for you to also feed his ego, men love their egos.

Good luck,

April 30, 2011 - 8:45am

hmm sounds like a complicated situation your in. All men normally go through a stage where there libido drops, it can be caused from anything sometimes it does not even have a reason. The way your bf goes soft half way through seems like a medical problem and the fact he cant ejaculate is very not normal. Does he watch porn at all ? If so does he ejaculate that way? I personally would recommend him seeing a doctor. If he wont try to help fix the problem is it really worth spending the rest of your life with someone that isnt trying to improve the relationship? A relationship is a 2 person thing not a 1 person thing. Takes 2 to tango, takes 2 to compromise :) tho If He is willing to help try fix things then you know he wants to be in the relationship for the long term marriage ect as i said before some men do just go off sex or lose there sex drive sometime in there lifes, everyone is different so i cant say nor can anyone else say how long this will go on for. Id sit down and have a very important talk to him and tell him that your relationship is on the lines of breaking up. I hope you get through this and things turn out for the better :)

April 30, 2011 - 7:19am
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