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Will try to make this brief!
I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We are very much in love. I am 26 he is 32. There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me, wants to be with me, and finds me attractive. However, only 5-6 months into our relationship the sex began to dwindle. At first we were having sex all the time, multiple times in a row every time we saw each other. It was amazing. Our schedules DID become a bit different and difficult. I work a regular Mon-Fri 9-5 job and he works the weekends (nights) Thurs, Fri, and Sat nights.
But I feel that there is always an excuse: he’s too tired, has a headache, it’s late, we are too drunk, he just wants to chill, our schedules are too different, or if we aren’t doing well as a “couple”, he’s in “relax” mode.
I believe that he has some deep routed intimacy issues and I tried to address this. He still uses all these excuses. He “assures me” it’s not me and that he finds me sexually attractive. I DO believe him but he never ever tries to have sex with me.
I can’t be patient anymore. I tried to wait, be patient. But it absolutely BREAKS MY HEART when I “make a move” and he denies me. He’ll move my hand off of him, or just give me one of the millions of excuses. When we DO have sex (but it’s 2 months now) it isn’t the SAME. He usually stops before coming. It makes me feel HORRIBLE. Not good enough. Not sexy.
It’s taken a toll on me in so many ways. He adores me- I know this but when I am denied and when he doesn’t SHOW that he wants me in a physical or sexual way it makes me feel ugly, unattractive, not sexual, and defeated. Not to mention unsatisfied and unfulfilled!
Any insight or HELP with how to deal with this is greatly appreciated. It’s been eating me up inside…
XO
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Your mistake was allowing a third wheel into the relationship. I know from personal experience. A relationship is between TWO people. What you belong to is not a relationship, rather it is an open arrangement. It took me many years to figure out the difference for myself. You deserve to be happy. If you want exclusivity and sex, maybe consider a monogamous relationship. Or you could consider an open arrangement where everyone gets to have as much sex as they want with whomever. That way your needs will be met as well. You deserve to be fulfilled and happy too.
May 10, 2018 - 12:26pmThis Comment
I'm not sure this will even get a reply because most don't seem to have one but I've got to vent about this to someone other then my best friend (she's never even had sex so don't know what help she'd be)
June 7, 2017 - 12:41pmI'm 24 and my boyfriend is 26. We've bee together 6 years and intimacy has slowly become our biggest problem.
Rather then refusing to discuss our issues he is open about it, at least until I ask if we can have more sex. On average it's usually once a week, but if I don't ask it's once a month.
He doesn't have problems physically in this area, but what I feel so sad over is that if I didn't bring up new things to try he doesn't seem to care whether it's the same every single time or not.
It got a lot worse when I started asking if we could maybe try some new stuff. Nothing too challenging just a tad more kinky. And he says "Well I figured we could just do what we normally do."
What we normally do is ME getting my own self off first before he has his turn. It's gotten so boring. And what makes it worse is that he doesn't seem to care about learning anything that makes me feel good. He isn't gentle most of the time when he touches me down there and I have to ask him to stop because he'll press so hard it hurts. In fact the whole idea of touching me seems to be something he doesn't enjoy, so I don't ask anymore. It's not like I have bad hygiene (im neurotic about being clean and smelling good) but it seems like every thing that involves more than regular sex he doesn't like. He doesn't like oral, bjs, using your hands. At most he seems to enjoy being rough and dominating me (which I really like) but there's only so many times that's fun before your body needs a break from being sore. Then it just goes back to normal boring sex, if that doesn't just stop altogether.
It's like showing someone endless variety and they just want the blandest thing possible EVERY TIME.
He has no drive, no imagination. Unless it comes to reading erotica. He loves getting off to that because it means no me, no intimacy, and no pressure.
Our life if getting so much better in every aspect except this one, so I'd rather work on this one problem rather than throw all of our history away.
Could he really be so afraid of trying something new?
He says he trusts me more than anybody but not about this.
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Dear Anon,
I know this is an old thread but I am hoping for some advice.
I am 31 and my bf is 46. We have been together 7 months. The first couple months of us being together, we would have sex 1-2 times a week. I was okay with this amount of sex. The last 4 months have been very sexless. We have had sex only twice in the past 4 months and we are going on month 2 with absolutely no sex. It is starting to make me feel horrible about myself like I am not attractive to him. He tries to reassure me that he finds me attractive, but makes no effort to lead this reassurance to the bedroom. I started thinking that maybe he is not a sexual person... which I felt like I maybe could accept. Well, I decided to pry in his phone. I found some very naughty pics of his ex's "personal area" and porn he had been looking up. He sleeps on the couch and doesn't sleep in the bedroom with me. The past two nights he has slept in the bedroom with me. But he has made no attempt to physically connect with me. He makes sure to lay down not facing me. He gives me absolutely no opportunity to touch him or even make a move. When I try to talk about our intimacy issues, he tells me that sex is the last thing on his mind right now (because of stress with his kids). This man says that he wants to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me and showers me in expensive gifts. But I am not the type of girl to be bought.... I am a very loving and affectionate person... and I can't even share that with him.
What do I do? I know I do love him. I am just unsure I can carry on with no intimacy and affection....
May 31, 2017 - 12:34amThis Comment
This is pretty much my exact situation.
October 1, 2017 - 8:35pmI thought maybe the amount of porn he watched, (just like a show not even to get off)desensitized him. What did u do? I am in love with him but the sex and intimacy piece is missing and I don’t know if I should deal with it or end it. It breaks my heart but I am so hurt. I want more children and I don’t think that would even be an option with little amount we have sex.
This Comment
I know exactly where you are coming from. Hoping your stronger than I am. Leave him. It's only gonna get worse. Porn ruins everything.
June 15, 2017 - 2:04pmThis Comment
I am going through the exact same thing with the man I'm with. He sleeps with his back to me and surrounds himself with pillows and he in a very slick way rejects my physical advances in moves around or jumps up and plays music or changes the subject to avoid me. When I want to discuss having sex he gets irritable angry and I'm comfortable and tells me that it will happen naturally when it happens and that I am a nymphomaniac even though we barely Have sex once a week. He always blames being tired, custody issues, age, work, etc. when none of it has anything to do with anything. He is 43 and I am 39.
June 8, 2017 - 9:25amThis Comment
Lots of women have had the same experience. I got into my first relationship when i was 17 he was 26. The sex was great for a while but died off pretty quickly. My partner told me it was me because of all different reasons such as i wasn't attractive, fun, my hair was the wrong color. He would stop half way through and tell me I was so boring he couldn't finish. I know now though it was obviously him with the problem. Men like this just need to face the problem & tell you what is actually going on. It could be a medical thing but who knows.
October 19, 2017 - 4:55pmThis Comment
OMG it's kinda a relief to know im not the only one who goes this exact same experience. My boyfriend does the pillow thing and sleeps facing the other way. it hurts my feelings. we have had sex since the fist week of may. He tells me all the time that he is not sleeping with anyone else or interested in anyone else but me. we still are not having sex. he keeps saying relax let it happen naturally. he does not want me to touch him. we only have sex when he initiates it. Does anyone have any answers of why some men do this. im 24 and he is 27. please help this is causing us to argue and be distant with each other.
June 19, 2017 - 10:14amThis Comment
Your post was so IDENTICAL to mine that I had to read it again because I thought I wrote it. I recently found out that my boyfriend was browsing online porn To avoid to raise a flag on his company's Wi-Fi through his new Twitter account. He got busted when I asked what he was doing on his phone and he said he was checking Twitter and of course I was surprised because I have over 2000 Twitter followers and use it as a platform for social issues and ways to help parents. I found it odd that he had a Twitter account that I was unaware of and that he didn't follow me or I followed him like most people do. He said he only had it to see what all the hype was about Donald Trump's tweets. I immediately became suspicious when I asked him to follow me and he said it wasn't a big deal and he never uses it and social media isn't real. Apparently it's real enough to almost break up relationships and for them to lie about it.
So basically you have a man that won't touch you and you know if you sexually but once you 100% committed to them in their lives and in their homes back can you fantasize about other women online.
I told him to let's compare side-by-side me versus the porn whores on Twitter. I compared IQs, education, morality, parenting, cooking, partnership, and flat out through sexual desire and passion. I told him basically you can't handle all of what I have to begin with. I'm not the one with the problem. We fought all night about it and I eventually read his entire yahoo email record and he deleted the twitter account in embarrassment.
Ladies, just for the record all men have hidden secret email account that you will never know about. When They delete something after being busted they will go and sign up again weeks later. We should always be worried because it is just a fact no matter how nice or good or nonchalant they are. If they are not sleeping with you they are thinking about someone else.
We as women must do something to counteract this. Don't put your eggs in one basket not depend on them for all of your love and support. If they want to play shady and disgusting games then they don't deserve all of your love commitment and hearts.
July 15, 2017 - 10:57amThis Comment
Yea I'm in the same situation I've been with my bf for 9yrs and its always an excuse with him...if its I'm just tired...I have a head ache or I dont feel good..or I'm just not in the mood...or the same broken record thing he says over and over well do something tomorrow then tommrow comes and its the same thing all over again...I've seen in his browser plenty of times porn websites celeb sex tape search's and what not... I dont know what to do I feel unwanted and unloved I try to touch him and he pushes me away saying he's not in the mood to do anything we have a child together...its hard I feel lonely I never had this problem in any of the relationships I've been in the past...I never even had to ask for sex or felt desperate for intimacy...he's even said that to me before bcs I've cried plenty of times bcs I feel detected and unwanted he gets mad and calls me a phiend for sex that I'm acting desperate... Its not right and have had plenty of arguments with him about it also...says he's going to work on it but once or twice a month isn't cutting it I dont feel secure...I can almost bet of I were to search his browser history he's looked at porn recently even tho he says he can't if he wanted to bcs his phone isn't working properly but he has no problem watching YouTube...makes no sense....
July 18, 2017 - 10:15pmThis Comment