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Will try to make this brief!
I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We are very much in love. I am 26 he is 32. There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me, wants to be with me, and finds me attractive. However, only 5-6 months into our relationship the sex began to dwindle. At first we were having sex all the time, multiple times in a row every time we saw each other. It was amazing. Our schedules DID become a bit different and difficult. I work a regular Mon-Fri 9-5 job and he works the weekends (nights) Thurs, Fri, and Sat nights.
But I feel that there is always an excuse: he’s too tired, has a headache, it’s late, we are too drunk, he just wants to chill, our schedules are too different, or if we aren’t doing well as a “couple”, he’s in “relax” mode.
I believe that he has some deep routed intimacy issues and I tried to address this. He still uses all these excuses. He “assures me” it’s not me and that he finds me sexually attractive. I DO believe him but he never ever tries to have sex with me.
I can’t be patient anymore. I tried to wait, be patient. But it absolutely BREAKS MY HEART when I “make a move” and he denies me. He’ll move my hand off of him, or just give me one of the millions of excuses. When we DO have sex (but it’s 2 months now) it isn’t the SAME. He usually stops before coming. It makes me feel HORRIBLE. Not good enough. Not sexy.
It’s taken a toll on me in so many ways. He adores me- I know this but when I am denied and when he doesn’t SHOW that he wants me in a physical or sexual way it makes me feel ugly, unattractive, not sexual, and defeated. Not to mention unsatisfied and unfulfilled!
Any insight or HELP with how to deal with this is greatly appreciated. It’s been eating me up inside…
XO
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Add a Comment138 Comments
Being friends or roommates with a former lover never works. It's better to put him in the past.
January 12, 2018 - 8:13amThis Comment
Let him go, you and he are not right for each other at all. He can never love you the way you need and deserve to be loved. He lacks the primary characteristic you need to look for in a man: availability. There are many, many fine men in the world, many that you would come to love, but they are not all available to you.
September 4, 2017 - 10:34pmBarak Obama isn't available to you, Brad Pitt isn't available to you, nor the married guy next door, and neither is Neil DeGrasse Tyson, fine men all. Your current boyfriend is not available to you. He is not willing to give himself to you. Don't worry about the ones who aren't available. He's wrong for you, and you are too young to tie yourself into a bad, long term relationship. You can do much better. Aim to make relationships with men who are emotionally and intellectually and socially available to you. Less to worry about. Make a list of the primary characteristics of the man you are looking for and he will be drawn to your side. Begin the list with: Available, emotional and intellectual equal, fun, kind, witty, lighthearted, sexy, adventurous... you can take it from there. Dump this guy, he is not the one.
Don't move in with him. No. Move in with some girlfriends, and share expenses, and date some nice man when you meet one who is available to you.
This Comment
I understand it might sound like making an excuse for dumping a man who does not meet all the criteria necessary to be a complete and happy woman but what if in other areas of life this is the partner to dream of?
Me myself is far from being a perfect person and he makes some efforts to handle my emotional bursts or severe pms symptoms and loves me for how I am. We always have a lot of fun together, complete understanding and harmony in a daily life, not to mention some minor fights. Our sex drive though is a complete mismatch, when I urge to have sex every day at my 33 years old and he needs it just once a week at his 26 years old!
We are living together for a year and the situation was always approx the Same from the start, not to mention porn addiction he had and shared with me. Then was the therapist who unrevealed the issue of mastubation/ porn addiction. It was so humiliating and a total disaster for me but I did my best to understand. About a month ago we have passed that addiction and my partner does not do it anymore and is even proud of it.
But sex is still jumpy: we have it’s like Rabbits for two days(normally those are hangover days, I think many ppl will understand me here), then few days zero attraction from his side. During those days Start to feel terrrible again, self esteem drops, etc. I’ve learnt from literature and my own experience that pushing a partner into sex is not good so I try to keep it for myself which is killing me every time we have a long sex pause (can be 2 to 4 days). In general, my partner is a real man, a gentleman and physically strong and following healthy way of life, thus, Testosterone levels can’t be an issue.
We have discussed our difference of course: his reasoning normally was “Overthinking, stress”.
In addition he is circumcised and his sensitivity is way lower then other guys, so might be his hand tight grip he got used to during his single years still takes a big space in his heart.
Sexual mismatch? Does this mean I have to choose between suffering all my life (as long as we are going to be together) and ending this story.
It can never be completely perfect with anyone unless we make it in our heads, I do understand. But my womanity, the chemistry in my brain and my hormonal system is hard to fool.
Please advise. Your point of view made sense.
November 14, 2017 - 8:10amThis Comment
I can only say that in my humble opinion it will only get worse, not better, so yes, I think it's a choice between an intimate relationship and a sexually fulfilling life with some other partner or staying with this partner for his other fine qualities. But I don't think sex is just sex, it's also intimacy, it's a basic human need, and if he's not having sex with you, he's also not intimate with you, and he's not fulfilling your basic human need to be touched. Supposing that you spend a couple of decades trying to get him to change, and he will not, because he is who he is, and then you will feel you are too old to begin another relationship. In reality, so long as you still breathe, you are never too old to begin another relationship, but it feels harder as you age. So, here's the thing, do you want to have a complete relationship, or do you want to settle for spending your life with a really good friend who you admire? Because, marriage includes intimacy.
November 28, 2017 - 4:59pmThis Comment
I've been with my man for 10 years but the pass 3 years we have had sex about maybe 5 times. I'm not ok with it this. Every time I try and talk about it he say how do you think I feel. My answer is it's not about you I'm not the one with a problem. Well needless to say we don't get anywhere. I'm tired and I'm going to leave him. He is depriving me of my needs I'm in my prim. Been going through this since 49 in a half now 53 can't take it anymore.
December 6, 2017 - 6:42amThis Comment
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years and we've been living together for 3. I was his first and when we first got together we were having sex at least 3 times a day whenever we spent time together. But since we moved in together it's been different. We're lucky if we have sex once a month. I have very low self esteem anyway and this is making it so much worse. It got to a point where I'd cry out of sheer happiness when we would have sex and he'd ask me what was wrong. I'd tell him and he'd just accuse me of being silly. He says he loves me all the time and we're always cuddly. Kisses are pretty much currency in our home. It's been almost 2 months since we last had sex and it's really getting me down.
August 31, 2017 - 4:09amThis Comment
Whatever his fine qualities are, they are not exclusive to him. You can find those same fine qualities in a man who is also emotionally capable of treating you well. If you don't, you will grow ever more dissatisfied with your situation, and it's better to cut your losses now, and start again, while you are still young, than to invest decades and leave him in the end.
December 1, 2017 - 2:37amThis Comment
I have the exact same problem with my boyfriend and I have no idea what to do anymore. I'm 18 and he's 20, we've been together for almost 2 years. In the beginning, it was good. We tried a lot of different things in a lot of different places and it was fun. For about the past year, it's diminished. It turned from once a day, to once a week, to once a month, to even longer. We had sex 3 weeks ago and before that it was 5 months earlier. I think the only reason why we even had sex 3 weeks ago is because I found a bunch of porn on his phone that he was trying to hide from me, and he felt bad for me. I have to beg for him to even kiss me. A hundred percent of the time I either initiate sex or I begged him to have sex the day before and he pities me. When we do have sex, it's the same routine and it's a sad excuse for one. I have to have my back turned to him for him to start touching me. It's humiliating. All he does is touch me for a minute and then has me give him oral to make him hard enough to be able to have sex with me, and then I have to be on top. No other positions. I've told him I don't like being on top all the time and that I enjoy receiving oral too but it doesn't help. His excuse is that he doesn't think I'd like it because I don't moan enough, or whatever. His excuse doesn't even make sense. I've tried to have him do other things to make him feel more in control of the sex, like pulling my hair or "choking" me, but he says he doesn't like it because he thinks he's hurting me. When I bring all this up to him he either says we'll have sex the next day (never happens) or he calls me shallow. That sex isn't everything. This has taken such a toll on me that I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. I have no self esteem. I use to like doing my makeup, but I can't even do that now because I'd have to see myself. I avoid having pictures taken of me. I feel hideous. Every other aspect of our relationship is amazing. He's my best friend. I don't want to lose him, but sometimes it feels like I lost him months ago. I'm too young to be in a sexless relationship.
August 9, 2017 - 4:06amThis Comment
I am in the same boat as you. Only have been dating for 6 months.. he is my best friend and he is very faithful but he has always had low libido and there's always an excuse. We have no sex life. Maybe sex once every two weeks the longest was we didn't have sex for a month. It destroys me and he tells me it's not me it's him but it's killing my self-esteem. He wants me to initiate but everytime I try he has an excuse to not have sex. So why would you I want to keep trying to initiate when I keep being turned down.? And the same exact with me I give him a bj and then I'm On Top. Our sex life is so boring and it's the same thing every time and we fight when I bring up that it hurts me that he doesn't want to have sex with me. We are both 26 and living together. It's like he's only interested to have sex with me and weird ways like involving people through the internet. Like they watch us have sex or whatever which is not anything I like to do I hate it. We've done it a few times but it makes me so uncomfortable. Why can't he just want me love me screw me for me not with anybody else watching
August 28, 2017 - 11:08amThis Comment
I haven’t been having sex with my boyfriend for more than a month and it’s killing me. The longest duration of us not having sex was 2 months. The last time we had sex it didn’t feel the same and I had to fake the orgasm because I felt bad. Cus I was the one who initiated it. It hurts and kills my self esteem when I initiate sex and he has all the reasons in the world to turn me down. He claimed that his testosterone level was low and he will actually seek medical advice, soon. I’m feeling so helpless because I know he isn’t cheating on me, which makes this entire situation even worse because I feel he probably just isn’t interested in me. He was sexually active in the past but well I really just don’t know why. The amount of rejections are so high that it gets awkward for me to even mention that I’m horny. I honestly am so fucking done with this relationship, I’m so unhappy when it comes to this. But I love him. I don’t want to cheat, nor leave him. I REALLY DONT KNOW HOW.
October 24, 2017 - 11:18amThis Comment