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My boyfriend never wants to have sex with me. It's killing me.

By December 13, 2013 - 11:27am
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Will try to make this brief!

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We are very much in love. I am 26 he is 32. There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me, wants to be with me, and finds me attractive. However, only 5-6 months into our relationship the sex began to dwindle. At first we were having sex all the time, multiple times in a row every time we saw each other. It was amazing. Our schedules DID become a bit different and difficult. I work a regular Mon-Fri 9-5 job and he works the weekends (nights) Thurs, Fri, and Sat nights.

But I feel that there is always an excuse: he’s too tired, has a headache, it’s late, we are too drunk, he just wants to chill, our schedules are too different, or if we aren’t doing well as a “couple”, he’s in “relax” mode.

I believe that he has some deep routed intimacy issues and I tried to address this. He still uses all these excuses. He “assures me” it’s not me and that he finds me sexually attractive. I DO believe him but he never ever tries to have sex with me.

I can’t be patient anymore. I tried to wait, be patient. But it absolutely BREAKS MY HEART when I “make a move” and he denies me. He’ll move my hand off of him, or just give me one of the millions of excuses. When we DO have sex (but it’s 2 months now) it isn’t the SAME. He usually stops before coming. It makes me feel HORRIBLE. Not good enough. Not sexy.

It’s taken a toll on me in so many ways. He adores me- I know this but when I am denied and when he doesn’t SHOW that he wants me in a physical or sexual way it makes me feel ugly, unattractive, not sexual, and defeated. Not to mention unsatisfied and unfulfilled!

Any insight or HELP with how to deal with this is greatly appreciated. It’s been eating me up inside…


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EmpowHER Guest

I wish, honestly wish and want to know what these guys are doing? “God” how are they able to resist a woman’s touch? I’ve been searching sex sites looking for one that fits my needs(I a functional sex addict, at least I think so) but to her that their are guys out there that can turn down a woman makes me realize I’m just something less.

The only thing I could think is his spirits might have been broken by always asking and not receiving. I wish he could tell me his trick cause I’m desperately in need of it. I’m completely the opposite I work all week but try to squeeze in some time for sex but my wife’s never interested, when ever I can I try to make things romantic or play her play list at night when we’re together to get her in the mood it never works, we go out for dinner I hold her hand and hug her maybe a little to close for on lookers but I love feeling her against me, but when we get home she wouldn’t have anything to do with me or she sleeps in our daughters room.

Trying to be patient and faithful is ripping me up inside and when it gets really bad I turn to pleasuring myself and I feel I’m cheating on her when I do, it’s the only thing that helps but not being able to touch her soft warm skin is becoming more and more difficult to really enjoy self pleasuring.(FYI, I use a P&A / T) I stumbled upon this site and question so I had to respond with my experience on the subject matter.

June 5, 2019 - 10:15am
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hello Anon
It seems you're doing all you can to interest your wife although "sex addict" is a turn off for many women.
You need to be very frank and just ask your wife what's going on.
She may be menopausal and dealing with a drop in estrogen that can drastically reduce her sex drive. Or she may no longer be sexually attracted to you. If she is sleeping in her daughter's room, then she is clearly avoiding sex with you.
Ask her directly, then at least you'll know and be able to decide what you want to do.

June 5, 2019 - 4:00pm
EmpowHER Guest

It's so obvious that the main reason your men are treating you this way is because of PORN. Yes. PORN. That's it. Whether you want to accept that or not is up to you. It really boggles my mind when so-called "experts" claim watching porn is healthy. Watching porn is the most destructive thing in a relationship and the world. It ruins marriages, and women and children are trafficked for sex all the time to make pornographic videos. Stop supporting this! Leave them now and reclaim your sanity and self-respect.

May 10, 2018 - 12:21pm
EmpowHER Guest

Okay women. Here's a response from the other side. First off, your man is probably NOT gay. I say this because I'm a gay man with a wonderful man in my life, whom I adore and love with all my heart, and he feels the exact same way as all of you. We have been together for nearly 7 years. The first year was sex all the time, then schedules and "things" got in the way. We are back to a good place where time for sex is not the issue. We have the time and the space for it, but it hardly happens. Yes, we both watch porn and get the sexual frustration out individually when the other one is not there, but that's not a solution nor is it the problem. He definitely feels like he puts a lot more energy into trying to have sex, and feels like I always deny him.

Now, here's what could be happening. I, like your men, probably have 1000 things running through our brains at all times. We want to make sure the problems in life are taken care of before we reward ourselves with sex. Granted, we aren't taking into consideration that denying you is like a punishment, it's not intentional. Instead we want to pay the gas bill that's been due for the last week, Take care of that leaky pipe in the basement, clean the nasty toilet, throw out the leftovers in the refrigerator that have been sitting there for a week, etc. Until of which we're drilling morning over the loss the cat that died a few months ago, trying to rationalize why Stupid Jack got the promotion over me at work, and wondering why the birthday present we ordered for you 4 weeks ago hasn't come yet. Our minds are filled with troubles that individually are tiny, but all together are overwhelming, and it makes us feel "unsexy" because we haven't fixed those things for you.

I don't have a proper answer for how to handle this, because if I could just tell myself to turn my brain off and have sex with my boyfriend, so he doesn't feel like a failure I would, but it's not that easy. We need your help and understanding, but not your pity or resentment. I think informing him of a day to have sex might help. Tell him to budget in. Yes, planned sex is not as "fun" as spontaneous sex, but I guaranteeit's better than no sex at all. If I was told. Hey we're going to have sex next Tuesday and Thursday, then I would make sure it happened. I would make sure I'm clean and feeling as sexy as I possibly could and then I would pick whatever time worked that day whether it was first thing in the morning, right after I got dressed for work (but then called and said "i have a person issue and will be a little late for work) or the last ting before we fell asleep. It's still would be a bit of a surprise for you, so be ready when he is. I can't promise this will work, but if it does then I'm happy I could help

April 20, 2018 - 12:44pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Respectfully, porn is the problem. Much like diabetics don't want to accept that eating that sugar donut every morning or drinking a soda with every meal contributed to their disease, most porn watchers feel it is harmless. The damage does not unfold overnight. It happens gradually. Porn has ruined many marriages (Same sex and otherwise) and yet, even "experts" will misinform others and claim it is healthy to watch it. Quite the contrary. Best of luck to you and your partner.

May 10, 2018 - 12:30pm
EmpowHER Guest

I feel like I was reading something I wrote. It is such a horrible feeling to be in a situation like this. I love my boyfriend more than i have ever loved anyone in my life he is perfect in every other way. He always tells me how gorgeous I am how he is so attracted to me he adores me I know this and I know he loves me but he rarely wants to have sex with me it's excuse after excuse and it is destroying me. I feel so unattractive like in not good enough. He says he wants to get married and have kids and we decided a few months ago to start trying and I even bought an ovulation kit but when those 2 days come he always has an excuse it is like I'm happy and excited and then denied and get depressed. He always says how he wants kids well u can't have kids without having sex. I just don't understand what is wrong with me. I'm not conceited but I know I'm a pretty woman and desirable to men but why does the one I love and that loves me not want me?!? It's truly heartbreaking and is taking a major toll on my self esteem. I'm glad to hear I'm not alone but I'm so sorry that other woman are dealing with this too. I don't know what to do anymore.

March 20, 2018 - 4:44pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

You're not the only one. It's really heartbreaking and depressing.

September 20, 2018 - 8:51am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I am a gay man. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for just over a year now. I feel your pain and frustration. It is heartbreaking and painful to feel like we are no longer wanted sexually or not worth the time. I feel that our sex life dwindled within the first few months of dating and then after moving to New York it has become even less frequent and there is ALWAYS a reason that we don’t have sex. It never happens spontaneously, even when he tells me we are going to it still doesn’t happen. That hurts even more. It gets me excited and feel like things are going to be ok, only to feel even more let down than before. The other night this happened. He woke up in the morning and asked me if we could have sex that night. I agreed of course. I came home from work, tried striking up a conversation, only to be treated like I was interrupting his show. Then he went into bed and got on his phone. I did not even get the vibes that he was even in the mood. He finally put the phone down and I tried making moves on him, only to be told, “you waited too long and I’m tired now”. I was crushed.

November 13, 2019 - 2:21pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Wow! That sucks! Big x. I can relate. My husband & I have been together 8 years. He too wanted kids. I had ovarian drilling done so we could conceive. Then I took fertility meds (but was startled to find letrozole causes sterility) So, painful surgery & meds I am ready to have fun making babies. Well he decides for last 2 years he wants head to porn. Everyday. Suck him off an hour or two, maybe he cums in me once a month for 60 seconds at the end of porn. One day he is like move your head I can't see the tv. I felt like I would go Lorena Bobbitt on him swear to God. Guys find me attractive. Ones in the last couple of years included a politician, a horse runner, a lawyer, a cop & a farmer. I am faithful out of respect & love for my husband but am beyond sexually frustrated & feel violent even at times towards him. The situation both saddens & enrages me.

March 31, 2018 - 10:40am
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

This is not saddening you or enraging you because you're accepting him treating you like an unpaid prostitute. Tells you to move your head as you're giving him a blow job - because he can't see the TV? You couldn't make this stuff up.
Having a child with a man like this is foolish. You should not bring innocent babies into his life - you have choices and you are choosing to stay but the children have no choice.
It doesn't matter who finds you attractive - is that all that matters? You're not a teen, I assume - it's time to mature.
Take back your life and get this man out of your life; it's sad to see a woman allow herself to be treated this way.

April 2, 2018 - 3:17pm
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