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My boyfriend never wants to have sex with me. It's killing me.

By December 13, 2013 - 11:27am
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Will try to make this brief!

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We are very much in love. I am 26 he is 32. There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me, wants to be with me, and finds me attractive. However, only 5-6 months into our relationship the sex began to dwindle. At first we were having sex all the time, multiple times in a row every time we saw each other. It was amazing. Our schedules DID become a bit different and difficult. I work a regular Mon-Fri 9-5 job and he works the weekends (nights) Thurs, Fri, and Sat nights.

But I feel that there is always an excuse: he’s too tired, has a headache, it’s late, we are too drunk, he just wants to chill, our schedules are too different, or if we aren’t doing well as a “couple”, he’s in “relax” mode.

I believe that he has some deep routed intimacy issues and I tried to address this. He still uses all these excuses. He “assures me” it’s not me and that he finds me sexually attractive. I DO believe him but he never ever tries to have sex with me.

I can’t be patient anymore. I tried to wait, be patient. But it absolutely BREAKS MY HEART when I “make a move” and he denies me. He’ll move my hand off of him, or just give me one of the millions of excuses. When we DO have sex (but it’s 2 months now) it isn’t the SAME. He usually stops before coming. It makes me feel HORRIBLE. Not good enough. Not sexy.

It’s taken a toll on me in so many ways. He adores me- I know this but when I am denied and when he doesn’t SHOW that he wants me in a physical or sexual way it makes me feel ugly, unattractive, not sexual, and defeated. Not to mention unsatisfied and unfulfilled!

Any insight or HELP with how to deal with this is greatly appreciated. It’s been eating me up inside…


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EmpowHER Guest

I feel like I was reading something I wrote. It is such a horrible feeling to be in a situation like this. I love my boyfriend more than i have ever loved anyone in my life he is perfect in every other way. He always tells me how gorgeous I am how he is so attracted to me he adores me I know this and I know he loves me but he rarely wants to have sex with me it's excuse after excuse and it is destroying me. I feel so unattractive like in not good enough. He says he wants to get married and have kids and we decided a few months ago to start trying and I even bought an ovulation kit but when those 2 days come he always has an excuse it is like I'm happy and excited and then denied and get depressed. He always says how he wants kids well u can't have kids without having sex. I just don't understand what is wrong with me. I'm not conceited but I know I'm a pretty woman and desirable to men but why does the one I love and that loves me not want me?!? It's truly heartbreaking and is taking a major toll on my self esteem. I'm glad to hear I'm not alone but I'm so sorry that other woman are dealing with this too. I don't know what to do anymore.

March 20, 2018 - 4:44pm
EmpowHER Guest

Im 19 and hes 24 we should be doing it all the time i mean we are young!! the first few weeks we were seeing each other it was constant sex, all the time. but after we got into an official relationship the sex stopped , like to a grinding hault. he wouldnt even try. we started living together and still nothing. he watches porn when im away for the weekend, and its really embarrassing, degrading and hurtful , because i now feel Im not attractive enough or good enough. that somethings wrong with me and my body. when i got really upset and asked him why he said because he has a low sex drive. which is a lie since hes constantly watching porn. Plus the porn he watches is threesome. Thats it. which makes me feel like me alone is just not good enough and that he wants some other girl to be happy and or satisfied. its taken a very large tole on my self esteem and i cry myself to sleep. The same question is just constantly popping into my head. WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH?

February 5, 2018 - 2:27am
EmpowHER Guest

he dances with me like he wants sex then backs off and say he does not need that

January 11, 2018 - 4:01pm
EmpowHER Guest

Ladies.....these men you speak of are probably gay and can’t admit it to themselves. I found out the hard way.

December 14, 2017 - 5:51pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Omg!!!!! I’m dealing with the same! now I am A few years younger (23) but, even more reason?!? Aren’t we in our sexual prime? We’ve been together over a year... I feel like I beg, and there is ALWAYS an excuse. I always make sure I please him ( planned or spontaneous oral) but nothing EVER in return. And wen we do have sex ( 1 month if that..) he never finishes me in any way..... he’ll finish and get up and get dressed while I curl over in a ball and sob scilently ( honestly the deepest pain in my stomach) I don’t know if I can stay in this relationship. I’ve even considered sleeping with someone else.. which is so fucked up! But if I was being pleased by him my mind wouldn’t yern for somebody else to “love” me right...?

December 18, 2017 - 2:57pm
EmpowHER Guest

My boyfriend and i had a lot of sex the first week we met,after that it slowly became nothing. We are now a year in our relationship.And it has been months since my man and me have had sex. I really believe it is god punishing me.Let me explain... i use to be a athiest,and during this time i was more "bad" i guess is the word. I was a pornstar in l.a for 4 years,i became pretty well known at the time. Now i am a nurse and living a completely different life. I am now very religious and my man won't have sex with me. I have won awards for my "skills" and many men have watched my work. If i added up all my views i would say over a million people or more have watched my movies. I feel very VERY bad honestly for the women that say porn ruined their relationship,because i would never want to be the cause of that.I since then have kept up with my looks,i am in great shape. Yet my man will not have sex with me.Many times i feel disgusting and ugly unwanted and unloved. There were many times i cryed in front of him and to myself at night. I am a faithful women,and have never cheated on him. He gives every excuse to not have sex with me. And i really don't think it has anything to do with my past. I also have went through his phone many times and never saw that he was cheating on me. Honestly the only thing i question is his sexuality. That is the only thing left i haven't ruled out. He does not "act" gay. But i will say the ONLY time he does want sex,he wants it in my ass. I also saw he was following a known tranny on instagram. Not sure if he knew it was one,because she very much looks like a girl,her name is kimber james. All my ex boyfriends could not keep there hands off of me. So ladies you may not be the problem,it could be him!!!!I really honestly believe a guy has to be gay or cheating to not want to have sex witht the women he loves. My man wont even have sex with me with the lights on or off.As much as i love him i really think it could be the end,because i got into porn at the time for a reason,i had a sexual addiction and needed sex atleast 3 times a day. I still have very high sex drive. Last night we got in a fight,i told him i didn't get in a relationship to be his roommate or friend,i want to be his lover. He begged for me to stay.The worst part about all this is i just turned 30,being single at 30 is just horrible,for where i live. I live in the midwest and everyone here has kids and is married between ages 22-25. I pray for everyone finds true happiness and gets that love they need and deserve.

December 8, 2017 - 8:28am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Oh you are doing the right thing, don't waste your life being unhappy. It's wonderful to be 30 and single. Single is the only way you can find the man who you can be happy with, and who can match your sex drive, while he's at it. People who don't want to have sex with you are not your lovers, they are not your mates, they are not your spouses or your significant others. They are not your relationship of affinity, they are your friends. Bid him well and a fond adieu and go find a real romance with a strong, sexually, legally and emotionally available, devoted, passionate partner. Go find the love of your life, and more power to you. 30 is young, dear, young and free, with plenty of time to still see a 50th wedding anniversary when you find the right mate.

December 16, 2017 - 12:37am
EmpowHER Guest

I am so relieved to hear I am not the only one experiencing these issues. Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 3 years now and have a 1yo daughter together. I also have an 8yo from a previous relationship. In the beginning he couldn’t keep his hands off me and was very take charge and aggressive sexually which is what attracted me in the first place. I knew he watched porn, but it never effected us. About a year later we moved in together and had our baby and our sex life has dwindled. We have more than enough time and opportunity even though we have children, but 95% of the time I have to initiate sex. I try to wait for him to come to me but as time goes on I get more and more frustrated so I just make the move. I don’t understand why he doesn’t come to me with his wants or desires bc I am open with him about everything. He will watch porn and/or masturbate before he will come to me. This makes me feel so undesirable and unattractive. We have argued about this before and he has tons of excuses about being under a lot of stress and pressure all the time with work and school. He also claims that our relationship isn’t just based on sex. I agree but I have a healthy sex drive and wish we could connect more on an intimate level. Outside of this issue everything is great. He’s a great boyfriend, loving father, and a hard worker. I have considered calling it quits before but I just can’t break my kids hearts. When I have tried to discuss this with him I get emotional and he gets angry and defensive and tells me he’ll never be good enough for me which I am not implying what so ever. It feels great to get this off my chest. Any advice is much appreciated!!

November 28, 2017 - 7:08am
EmpowHER Guest

I’m happy to hear I’m not the only one. I’m 22 and my boyfriend is 29 and we had a very active sex life until I moved in and now it’s about once every month almost. He watches porn and gets off on that every morning in the shower since we first started dating, so that I’ve always expected. But it never created a problem in our sex life in the beginning. I often cry and get emotional which just makes him mad and embarrassed but I can’t help but feeling unwanted and gross.

November 19, 2017 - 11:16am

Im in exactly the same boat as all of you. And i feel completely helpless and defeated. I have no self esteem after joining this relationship and feel unattractive, and disgusting. My partner is an amazing man and he checks all the other boxes. But he just doesnt find me desirable enough to sleep with. He was in a long term relationship before meeting me and only ever had anal sex because she thought she was saving herself for marriage that way. He tells me that he hated it and he eventually stopped trying to be intimate with her because she was a selfish lover who always turned him down..but now he has me and i enjoy sex and do my best to please him but he still cant even cum when we do it...(its almost a year now) the worst part is he watches porn and gets off on that. I dnt mind the porn..i know all guys do it. But he rather get off to porn than make a move on me. He says he loves me but sometimes i feel like hes just with me because we look good together on paper. I cry myself to sleep every night and i dont know what to do!anyone have any advice...i really need help!

October 21, 2017 - 2:20am
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