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Will try to make this brief!
I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We are very much in love. I am 26 he is 32. There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me, wants to be with me, and finds me attractive. However, only 5-6 months into our relationship the sex began to dwindle. At first we were having sex all the time, multiple times in a row every time we saw each other. It was amazing. Our schedules DID become a bit different and difficult. I work a regular Mon-Fri 9-5 job and he works the weekends (nights) Thurs, Fri, and Sat nights.
But I feel that there is always an excuse: he’s too tired, has a headache, it’s late, we are too drunk, he just wants to chill, our schedules are too different, or if we aren’t doing well as a “couple”, he’s in “relax” mode.
I believe that he has some deep routed intimacy issues and I tried to address this. He still uses all these excuses. He “assures me” it’s not me and that he finds me sexually attractive. I DO believe him but he never ever tries to have sex with me.
I can’t be patient anymore. I tried to wait, be patient. But it absolutely BREAKS MY HEART when I “make a move” and he denies me. He’ll move my hand off of him, or just give me one of the millions of excuses. When we DO have sex (but it’s 2 months now) it isn’t the SAME. He usually stops before coming. It makes me feel HORRIBLE. Not good enough. Not sexy.
It’s taken a toll on me in so many ways. He adores me- I know this but when I am denied and when he doesn’t SHOW that he wants me in a physical or sexual way it makes me feel ugly, unattractive, not sexual, and defeated. Not to mention unsatisfied and unfulfilled!
Any insight or HELP with how to deal with this is greatly appreciated. It’s been eating me up inside…
XO
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I've been. Dating a 47year old for 4years .I'm 46.We have sex once maybe every 4months he lasts maybe1minute and jumps up to run to his laotop and pretends like it never happened.I haven't cheated on him ,I love him alot .when i hint or fkat out ask him or try flirting,tgeres the 1of a thousand excuses why he doesn't want sex He then raises his voice .Abosokutely refuses to be mature and discuss it .Im lost as to how to get him to sit and talk as a mature 47year old man should.He also is on date sites and blocked me from Facebook.In front of his friends he boasts about sex .I'm thinking to myself when did that happen .Please help i dont want to leave him .He knows it .I've openly asked him if he wants to be just friends because i have needs he's not willing to suscuss .Same resuls changes subject or raises his voice Please Help !!
December 2, 2014 - 10:18pmThis Comment
He's watching porn, i can guarantee you.
October 26, 2014 - 4:40amThis Comment
I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now..I'm 26 and has 32. In the beginning our sex life was amazing then about 6 months in it started becoming less and less. I can't get off during sex so I think that frustrates him. When we do have sex its amazing but as time goes on its becoming less as and less. Maybe 3x a month now. I love sex and it's be coming very frustrating to me. It makes me feel unwanted and unattractive etc. I've talked to him many times and hell blame it on work or stress. I met my bf when we were both still married. We were separated from our spouses but still married. We are now both divorced but he has cheated on me a couple times w his ex. Makes me feel like I'm not good enough BC I can't get him to touch me but hell have sex w her. Granted this did happen about a year ago. I'm not a cheater but I do miss having a man touch me and want me. My bf I love to death but he's just not fulfilling my needs and doesn't seem willing too try unless its convient to him.I can't leave but I do want things to change. I've tried everything it seems
September 24, 2014 - 5:08pmThis Comment
My boyfriend and I are also having this same issue. Hes 21 and Im 19. In the begining of our relationship we had sex everytime we saw each other and when I moved in with him it began to happen less and less with him cumming in less time each time. At the time I asked him about it and told him how it hurts me and he said it was because he "had this weird thing about other people being around" yet we have since moved away from them and its only gotten worse. I used to feel so in love and at peace during intercourse and he used to try and attend to my needs even though I cant cum. For 7 months out of the year we have been together he has regected me more and more. We have sex maybe two times a week and the entire time is spent getting him off as fast as possible with absolutely no attention to my needs. Lately I have begun to feel this horrible depression and shame during sex. It feels like hes making faces of disgust at me, like he just wants to be anywhere but with me. I dont enjoy sex anymore, its the most depressing and degrading thing I have done now. Yet every single night I sit there and beg him to have sex with me. I tried sexy underwear and he didnt even notice. Everytime I see those panties I feel embarrassed for thinking they would work. I tried talking to him about it and I got empty promises, I even had a mental breakdown from all the rejection and I got the same empty promises.
June 4, 2014 - 12:15amIn the past I had a very high self esteem and never had to worry about my male friends sexual attraction to me. But, now everytime I see my reflection I search for possible explanations everywhere from my weight to how I talk, walk, eat, breath, or dress. Sometimes Ill ask him bluntly if hell ever tell me what it is I need to change, as always hell quickly tell me that its not me or hell say that we will have sex that night, he has yet to keep that promise.
I have heard every excuse out there from headaches to sleep deprivation or my personal despair bringer "I cant". Everytime he shoots me down I smile and say that its okay but it always brings fresh tears I have to hide in the bathroom. How can he tell me that he loves me but wont do this little thing for me. Every fucking night I cry silently into my pillow while he sleeps next to me.
I dont think hes cheating on me because his Ex cheated on him with like 5 of his friends but how can I really now? Please somebody read this and help me
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My boyfriend and I have been together now a year and 2 months exactly and I remember our sex life starting of great but very quickly stopping we haven't had sex now in about a month and a week and I hate it because I love sex, connecting with him in a physical way but he doesn't, even if I try to get something to happen, it's the same, he will never let it happen. I know he loves me alot and he's always telling me he loves me he treats me with so much respect aswell.
December 2, 2014 - 4:47amI am younger than him I'm 19 and he's just turned 28. He is on a medication because of past stuff and when I read about it, it said that if it's a strong medication it could lower his sex drive but I wish he could just try when he knows how hard I try, it's killing me. I was talking to my guy friend about it all and he said it wouldn't be an age thing it's probably just how he feels And it's not fair. Things I've said I like about sex he has said are weird and he wouldnt do. Think fifty shades of grey for example. I would NEVER cheat on him but when my guy friend tells me about his relationship it makes me think why can my actual boyfriend be more sexually physical with me isnstead of just wanting to cuddle. It's so frustrating and every time I ask him about it, he pushes the confersation away and changes the subject immediately. I don't know what to do. It even makes me cry. It's really getting to me.
This Comment
cherryhill - leave him - it can't work - people like this commentor have no idea what its like - sex IS everything when you're not getting any and it'll drive you nuts. Women don't easily recover from sexless relationships and it's very common that men have lower libido, but won't admit to it. It can prevent you ever resuming sex again with a man - a lot of women become celibate as a result - it will continue to break you down and he won't change. Sorry to say this but it's realistic - men really need to quit pretending they're more sexual than women - they really REALLY are not - get out.
December 31, 2013 - 11:29pmThis Comment
Hello cherryhill,
I would like to welcome you to the EmpowHER community and thank you for reaching out to us with your relationship issue.
Are you two living together? Are there any issues, such as sharing household responsibilities, financial or budget issues that might be adding stress to your relationship? Beside having sex, what other activities did or do you and your boyfriend share?
cherryhill, there is more to sexual intimacy than the sexual act. When we are young, it is all about the physical urge and need to satisfy that urge. As we mature, there is a strong psychological component to sexual intercourse. How we feel about ourselves, how we perceive ourselves and self esteem can impact libido.
Have you tried talking with your boyfriend?
Try stepping back. No man wants to be nagged. Men like a challenge. Be more allusive.
Regards,
December 13, 2013 - 6:02pmMaryann
This Comment
I know this is a really old post so I'm sorry to comment on it so long after the fact. But I never really took a step back as imagined it from that point of view. My husband and I have been having so many issues with our sex life, and come to think of it they only started after we got our own place together. We have even having so many money issues lately, and I lost my job. A lot of the bills are falling on him, he's working himself to death. And I think of your point of view and it makes me feel so incredibly selfish. I want him to want me the same way he did when we were dating, and I understand stress is a huge factor. But I'm young, (20) and my libido is considerably higher than his, (he's 29). It's just things like bills and work never got to me, I was never a worrier, always knowing my family would help me if things got really really bad. But I guess he wasn't raised with that, so while I'm worrying about him never wanting to have sex with me he might be worrying about bigger issues. But I do thank you for that wonderful insight you offered her, and I'm happy you had a logical response instead of complaint after complaint again. Thank you for the new perspective.
November 16, 2015 - 4:37amThis Comment