Improved
6112 HealthChanged
3786 LivesSaved
3568 Lives1 lives impacted in the last 24 hrs Learn More
Will try to make this brief!
I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We are very much in love. I am 26 he is 32. There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me, wants to be with me, and finds me attractive. However, only 5-6 months into our relationship the sex began to dwindle. At first we were having sex all the time, multiple times in a row every time we saw each other. It was amazing. Our schedules DID become a bit different and difficult. I work a regular Mon-Fri 9-5 job and he works the weekends (nights) Thurs, Fri, and Sat nights.
But I feel that there is always an excuse: he’s too tired, has a headache, it’s late, we are too drunk, he just wants to chill, our schedules are too different, or if we aren’t doing well as a “couple”, he’s in “relax” mode.
I believe that he has some deep routed intimacy issues and I tried to address this. He still uses all these excuses. He “assures me” it’s not me and that he finds me sexually attractive. I DO believe him but he never ever tries to have sex with me.
I can’t be patient anymore. I tried to wait, be patient. But it absolutely BREAKS MY HEART when I “make a move” and he denies me. He’ll move my hand off of him, or just give me one of the millions of excuses. When we DO have sex (but it’s 2 months now) it isn’t the SAME. He usually stops before coming. It makes me feel HORRIBLE. Not good enough. Not sexy.
It’s taken a toll on me in so many ways. He adores me- I know this but when I am denied and when he doesn’t SHOW that he wants me in a physical or sexual way it makes me feel ugly, unattractive, not sexual, and defeated. Not to mention unsatisfied and unfulfilled!
Any insight or HELP with how to deal with this is greatly appreciated. It’s been eating me up inside…
XO
Recent Posts
All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.
Add a Comment138 Comments
my biggest fear is that I might fall into temptation and cheat on him just because of something so stupid. I love him and i know he loves me. i don't think he's cheating he just really doesn't have the same sex drive he use to and its killing me. my self esteem is at the lowest its ever been and I've gained 20 lbs :( makes me think its me and he doesn't want me anymore :(
October 4, 2015 - 11:13amThis Comment
It's like I can breathe again hearing that I'm not the only one. I feel like I'm going crazy, I constantly think about what's happening with my boyfriend and make myself feel hopeless and desperate. I am 23 and he is 28, we have been together for nearly five years and living together for four. He took my virginity and was an incredible lover, when we made love it felt so intimate and connected, and physically felt amazing. But for the past three years it's been completely different - he never wants to have sex, I have tried dressing up in sexy lingerie (this only makes him "feel pressured"), have tried asking him what I can do to make him enjoy sex (he says he doesn't know) and we have had many many talks about it, which always end in me feeling like it's my fault and feeling guilty for making him feel bad. The reason that it's so confusing is that in every other way he seems to be fully in love with me - he's always telling me I'm pretty and sexy, always wanting to spend time with me, always wanting to cuddle and be physically close to me. He pushes me away if I try to touch him sexually, and when I do ask if he wants to have sex he usually makes an excuse, like that he has to brush his teeth or is too tired. If we do have sex - once a fortnight if I'm lucky, we went three months last year and he didn't even notice - he doesn't seem to enjoy it anymore and we just do the deed, there's no kissing or caressing like there used to be. I have no idea what to do. I am so sexually aroused by him and find him just as attractive as I always did, but because he constantly shuts me down I have started forcing myself not to appreciate his body or enjoy his touch, because I hate how weak I am and that he can always turn me on but I can never turn him on. I have started fantasising about being with other men and find myself revelling in having male friends that tell me I'm sexually attractive. The sickening thing is that I don't want to have these thoughts, I don't want to look at other men. I would be so happy to be with him and be faithful to him, but if I don't get reinforcement from somewhere that I am still a sexually attractive woman then I will honestly shrivel up and die, I can already feel a part of me doing that. I actually can't handle this. But I love him so much, and I know he loves me so much, we would both be devastated if we broke up. But I honestly feel that if I stayed with him and this kept happening I would cheat on him, I need to feel that with someone. I'm already cheating on him in my mind and it makes me so sad. I'm scared that I'm damaging myself psychologically by being in this relationship and that I will develop serious sexual issues like he has because of being with him. I just don't know what to do. I am so lost. All I want is to be wanted again.
July 2, 2015 - 9:13pmThis Comment
I feel like I could have wrote this! Same exact situation and feelings, is unbearable. It's sad that I'm 25 and this is life, I feel like I'm being robbed of something. What's your situation like now, any progress?? I've tried everything
March 30, 2016 - 1:36pmThis Comment
Ok, I know I'm only 5 months late on this, but thank you so much for this. This is exactly how I'm feeling. My bf and I have been on and off for 10 years. We used to have the best sex life and he always told me how pretty I was and how lucky he was.. And flash forward to now. We've been living together for 3 years. I can't even remember the last time we had sex. The last time he"attempted" it was actually just me using my hand on him. And when he was done, he had the nerve to say to me, "That was fun. Good night" and ROLL OVER AND FALL RIGHT TO SLEEP. Oh and he's fallen asleep multiple times during foreplay and sex. And just the other day, as we were messing around, he was continuing to watch tv and even making comments about the show as he was touching me! I have told him SO many times how much that hurts. I've cried in front of him. I've begged. Jr always says "you're right. We need to fix that" blah blah blah. Nothing ever changes. And, not to be cocky, but I know how attractive I am. I get hit on all the time. And he's the ONE guy I actually want and the one who actually has me! And yet he acts like who cares?! He says I'm still"the hottest girl he's ever seen" but what good are his words when his actions say the complete opposite? His actions are saying I'm not attractive in the least. And that just makes me want to prove him wrong sooooo bad. I have been going to bars after work alone purposely to get hit on. It has been so long since I've been flirted with and made to feel attractive. Back when he used to give me all of that attention, I never cared one bit about the outside male attention I got. But, now I crave it to maintain what's left of my self esteem. And the oddest thing of all is he gets so mad when I do that.. He gets incredibly jealous. But its like, okay, you don't want me, but you also don't want anyone else wanting me either? Geez. I also lay in bed and fantasize about other men being sexually attracted to me. What the hell is going on?? I have NEVER done that. And it makes me feel like my life has gotten pretty sad. Yes, this is the worst feeling ever. He hears me crying at night, but says I'm overreacting. So, nothing will ever change because he doesn't think there's a problem to begin with... I've been looking at apartments. So, at least I took a step towards getting out of this. Thank you for sharing and letting me know I'm not alone!
December 13, 2015 - 12:42amThis Comment
I am going through the same thing. I know my boyfriend loves me so much and I love him too but this is taking a toll on me our relationship and myself esteem. I have been bringing this up for a year now and every time I do we get into an argument. We will go through a good few weeks then back to not having sex. It's driving me crazy I try to have sex then I get the "I'm to tired" I really don't know what else to do. I feel I'm being punished for his low sex drive. Hes not even trying to work this out by seeing a doctor or make love to me. Im so hurt by all this I'm confused as to why its so important to me and not to him.
July 2, 2015 - 6:13pmThis Comment
I am so happy that I'm not alone here...My boyfriend is the same way and it's ruining our relationship. He's claiming that it's severe ED since he was 20..but he was looking at porn, other women and always claims that women are begging him to sleep with him left and right. I have a super high sex drive (I'm in my mid 30's and hear that's normal) and it makes me insecure when all of this happens. I've never been with anyone like him, and I've actually been thinking of leaving him because all we do is fight. I'm 3 1/2 years into this relationship and I don't see anything changing. He goes and tells all his friends that I'm insecure and crazy..HMMM, I wonder why?! At least I know now that I'm not alone in this.
June 6, 2015 - 2:59pmThis Comment
I know the feeling my boyfriend been together for six months going onto seven, the first three months we were making love almost three to four times a weeks but since december we havent made love at all, have not even mess around anymore. I really dont know what to do and what to think anymore!!!!!!
April 20, 2015 - 10:32amThis Comment
Same here...my boyfriend will not touch me. He says that he's stressed because we just moved to Florida, but he still watches porn and masterbates. I JUST DON'T GET IT!!!
April 15, 2015 - 10:51amThis Comment
My Boyfriend and I have been together 10 months and things have only recently started to go down hill as far as sex is concerned. I am 18 and with out trying to sound slutty have been having having sex since I was 16 and meet my first boyfriend and have had several other sexual partners since then. (always wearing a condom and with and implant). My boyfriend and I meet under difficult circumstance as he was still with his ex, who was my friend, and we didn't want to hurt her, we never had sex or even kissed let alone did anything more than the odd message to each other. so as you can imagine when he ended things with her and we could finally be together, well... we were all over each other all the time, everywhere, still kind of sneaking around as it was a bit soon but we just couldn't wait!
Now we are public and the thrill of sneaky sexy and new sex has just seemed to die :( I still really want sex and seem to find myself masturbating when he is not around so not to offend him but when he does occasionally want to sleep with me he get out of breath due to the fact that "my asthma is playing up because your room is damp" (we are living with my parents) or because his "cough is bad today" (he smokes) which means he either thinks its ok to finish and leave me unsatisfied or just give up.
I don't know how we have got to this and I don't know how to get out! I don't want to end things because I love him and i have no doubt that he loves me too, but at the same time I don't know what to do? I have even pulled out the Victoria secret undies and I doesn't work what else is there to do?
March 19, 2015 - 8:39amThis Comment
I am having the same issue. Which is shocking because I'm 35 and he's 39. We live together and I'm pregnant. How that happened was shear accident. It's even worse now that I'm pregnant because my sex drive has increased. Now we haven't had sex in 3 months. I told him if I weren't pregnant we'd be have a totally different conversation. We've been together for about 7 years and this has always been a problem. And yes, he has a million excuses for it. But it is heart breaking, frustrating and for me the last straw. I love him but not enough to feel lonely with a roommate. I plan on breaking things off after the baby comes. I hate to after so long, but I'm angry with him all the time. And that's no way to be in a relationship. We're suppose to make each other happy. Not leaving the other party lacking and having resentment between us. :(
December 9, 2014 - 2:29pmThis Comment