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My husband masturbates in the shower almost every morning. Is it normal?

By Anonymous November 29, 2010 - 10:38am
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We have been married for less than a year and since we got married our sex life hasn't been that good. We have sex on average once a week or once every 2weeks, and most of the time i'm the one asking for it. Before getting married we were in a long distance relationship for almost a year and before that dated for 2 months and had a great sex life. But since our marriage and me moving in things have been going bad on all levels. We were fighting a lot at the begining and this obviously affected our sex life. I tried to discuss this with him but he said that we are both stressed and things will improve. Now i'm pregnant, it wasn't planned but it certainly not helping in our sex life. Just few weeks back i walked in on him while he's masturbating in the shower. I was devastated, it never occured to me before that he could be doing this. I know that he likes to sit in the bath tub for hours and have long showers in the morning but it never crossed my mind that he would be doing something else. He saw how sad i was and told me that he was just getting ready to come to bed and have sex with me. I knew he was lying and felt bad the whole day. Since that day, i'm obsessed about catching him masturbating in the shower. I'm definitely not letting him know that and i'm trying to find a way to make things better for us. I love my husband so much and i know he loves me but obviously he's not sexually attracted to me. Now i'm asking him for sex all the time, and usually he finds an excuse not to and sometimes he feels bad and would have sex with me so i don't feel bad. So basically if i don't ask for sex we don't have it. This situation is really upsetting me and i don't know what to do about it, i can walk completely naked in front of him and he wouldn't notice me. This is definitely killing my self esteem, it hurts so much having my husband prefering to masturbate while i'm very willing. Before we were married he was asking frequently for anal sex and i always refused and now i even suggested it to him and still he's not that interested.

Please i'd really appreciate any advices. By the way my husband is 33 years old and a year younger than me.

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EmpowHER Guest

My husband after 25 years masturbates in the shower regularly. I don't care, but I cannot say enough that I should not have to clean up his spooge after he does it. I am tired of having to explain to the kids why the shower is dirty. I think he is a pig for not cleaning up after himself after he releases himself. Yes, sexually I have always been there for him, but he cannot perform anymore because he has put on 100 lbs since we have married and chooses to play with himself rather than have sex with me and satisfy both of us. It really boggles my mind.

May 2, 2019 - 5:52pm
EmpowHER Guest

This was a very interesting feed. After reading some of the comments I felt like I should input my own. I have been with my husband for about 4 years. When we first met our sex was mediocre. We sometimes had sex everyday and other times we skipped a week or two. One day in our 2 week episode of not having sex, I had walked in to the bathroom and he did not notice that I walked in. As soon as I saw him I flipped out .If you know me than you would know I have no way to shut my mouth. If I feel some type of way you will see it in my eyes and face reaction or you will def hear about it.
So, as I flipped out because I felt so hurt, betrayed cheated and disrespected. I would be like but why if I am right here why cant you just wake me up or something. He denied it the first couple of times until I became so obsessed with it that I would sneak into the bathroom and watch to see if he would notice I was there. One day he noticed I was sitting outside the shower and he peaked out. I just looked at him with eyes of disappointment. I started crying and explained to him how it made me feel. It made me feel like less than a woman; my self esteem felt bad, Ididn't feel I was good enough. Now after expressing myself, I am very fortunate to have a husband that is extremely understanding or at least tries his best. He apologized and said he will not do it again It became an addiction to me to spy and try to see how long it took him in the shower and if he would say anything to me. We argued about it plenty of times, as even though he promised he still continued. He explained to me that its not that he prefers porno or masturbation over me its just a couple factors that come in to play.

1. When he watches porno its normally to learn a new move or a new position; of course it causes arousal... ( Yea right.. that's what they all say.. my thoughts).
2. When I masturbate in the shower its because not all the times I feel like having sex. Sometimes that's a lot of work. ( OK so now I'm work and not pleasure.. hmmm)
3. It naturally releases his stress. ( OK what about my stress.. am I just chopped liver?)

So after we discussed thoroughly why he did these things. I explained how it made me feel. How I felt like a piece of furniture that was old and wasn't wanted anymore. So we decided to test a theory. I asked him to make a deal with me and to not masturbate or watch porno for a month; so that I can see how he acts. The first week he was super horny that every night we had sex because he really needed it. The second week it was like every other day to every two days. By the third week I noticed our sex getting a little played out or boring and he wasn't much interested in anything.By week 4 we were not having sex at all!!! So now i'm picking at my brain because WTF went wrong Am I that bad in bed?? After the month I told him to continue doing as he normally did. Then I put myself to the test and started masturbating every morning, every night and watched porno everyday. I noticed how I started to desire my husband more an more because of what I was watching. I would imagine him doing all these things to me. I wanted sex like 2 -3 times a day. I started doing new moves because I was trying to move like the girl in the porno. My stimulation was higher than usual. Any touch would send my mind elsewhere. It was an interesting test. After this we both had liberty to do or watch as we please with no judgment or argument.
Sometimes as females we get to over thoughtful about the things a man does. Not all men are the same. If you are in a situation where your husband prefers masturbation or porno over you then you def need counseling or you need a new partner.
However, if you look at this in a different light you may be able to change your situations.
So the next time you see your husband masturbating in the shower; make a quick change into something sexy or take your clothes off, brush your teeth and get involved. Ask to masturbate (with hand or mouth) for him with no pleasure for your self. Walk into the shower, kiss him and touch him. Do not be upset with him. Become part of it. If you cant beat them then join them ( that's what they say). After you help him, walk out with a BAM. He will be shocked and eventually he will want more.

If your husband watches porn, let him do it! All you need in return is that he does not erase it from his history feed. You might think what the hell! Why wouldn't you want him to delete it? Do you really want to see the proof of him "cheating" or him mesmerized by another female??? Well let me explain, I asked my husband just that. DO NOT ERASE YOUR FEED. I would prefer to know and that he is not hiding anything from me. Now, your next step after telling him not to delete is when he leaves the phone around or when you ask for his phone. watch the same exact porno that he watched. Now you can understand a couple things by watching this. You will see what arouses your husband. What position he is thinking of doing So now you can learn and watch so that you know what position to counter attack his. you want to rock his world as he rocks yours. It will make sex more intense and pleasurable, because you both have a common goal. Learn to embrace and grow from what once seemed bad or negative.
Release his stress and he will release yours. Become one with him and become understanding.

When I learned these key points I never looked at it the same. Now my husband is allowed to watch any porno, masturbate in the shower or do both. Because I have seen and experienced everything he has watched. Everything he watches he performs on me. So now I get excited to see what he learned new. What new position will he do on me now. When he is masturbating I either walk away so he doesn't notice i'm there;I gave him his space and sometimes I jump right in and take care of it for him. Sometimes a man just wants to have the pleasure with no work. ( nothing wrong with that). I have those moments when I just want to have an orgasm without having to work for it cause I am tired. Sometimes I sneak his hand into my pants and let his hands work the magic for me. Learn that in a marriage you will have to compromise and be understanding. Look at the bright side.

This has only made our relationship, communication and our sex life 10X better.

January 3, 2019 - 5:26am
EmpowHER Guest

I really need your comments.....
I have the same problem with my husband..i did and give everything he want about sex but still he love to musterbate in the shower..i really feel so bad because after I done everything he want me to his still doing it..when I ask him he will lied to me that he didn't do it...but I know his doing it..when it become a big problem and arguments between us he admitted that's he did..as a wife I will have a feeling when his doing something or trying to full me around..maybe he can lied to me but my feelings won't.. I'm a kind of person that I can understand why..im try to understand...if I didn't give when he want to have sex with me or I didn't do what he ask me to do..its fine I can understand why he need to musterbate..but the thing is I did everything..but why he still doing it..i feel really hurt then I don't think I can have the same sex life with him..his more on porn video than touching me...i really feel so insecure...
You tell anything wrong with me?
I really need your comments...

September 29, 2017 - 10:17pm
EmpowHER Guest

One thing I was not ready for was my second marriage with two more children. I thought things would be the same – nightly sex before marriage when I was living in a different house than hers – but my mental state was different. I can’t explain the reason, but everything changed. Maybe he’s just having problems adjusting or maybe it was the thrill of having sex with someone who wasn’t his wife. Try a change of scenery - go to a bed and breakfast or hotel. That always got me going – we would have sex often on a Fri-Sun trip or we would go to my college’s football games for the weekend and make love many times. Best of luck!

June 17, 2017 - 11:06am
EmpowHER Guest

Everyone here is MISSING the point. She WANTS more sex, he's not interested, and he's masturbating in the shower when his IN THE FLESH wife is there and is ASKING for more sex. There is an inundation of men (usually is their 20's but not limited to) heading to sex therapists and couples heading to marriage counselling for this type of issue. These men have grown up with unlimited amounts of free porn and used it for stimulation so long that the unrealistic sex and bodies in it create an unrealistic expectation of real life sex. That means real sex isn't a turn on and they start preferring to watch porn and masturbate instead of real sex because real sex isn't so over the top.

Now don't get me wrong. I watch porn and like porn. If I keep turning my husband down I understand he needs release. Go for it. It's when I am always asking for it, ready willing and able, and then see in his history feed he was looking and NSFW and the ratio in the tub on tablet....jerking at a time in the morning I was in bed masturbating because I'm tired of waiting to have sex. Not only was he jerking when I'm available ALL THE TIME -(we both work from home), but it wasn't just porn (which to me is looking more at the act), he was looking at women who post nudes and more.... he's looking at another woman's body and masturbating instead of me. That hurts so increadibly and is devastating to my self esteem. And in case anyone is wondering, I'm a fit personal trainer who is quite pretty with an hour glass figure. This type of behaviour erodes our self esteem, our sex life, and eventually the marriage. Men don't understand how deeply women feel.

I came accidentally on this blogger who is a divorced man, that get's it. All marriage relationship stuff, and how women communicate and feel - he gets. Got it too late for himself and ended with divorce and now he blogs hoping someone out there can benefit from his mistakes. This one blog he has is in particular to this topic of masturbation and porn and neglecting of the wife in this area. Read it. Send it to your husband. I did to mine. He got the message. He appologized and said he didn't think how it would affect me - he just assumed that we watch porn together that this was ok. He was treating me how a man would react, not how I would react. Now he understand me. This guys blog is brilliant and hits the nail on the head on how most women (not all because everyone is different) want/need to be treated to feel secure, loved, and supported in the marriage.

You also need to get to a sex therepist or marriage counsellor. We are because we both realize that we, together, are worth a happy marriage. Good luck.

February 8, 2017 - 4:23pm
EmpowHER Guest

Ok, how about this one? I am a married man, I love my wife madly and if I could I would make love to her every day. But at times she has distanced herself from me for long periods of time, where she will go for weeks without wanting to make love, and I even feel uncomfortable asking. I even asked if she would give me a hand job and she refused. So, I did masturbate, when she asked if I did I admitted to doing it, and hurt her feelings. I understand if she physically or emotionally cannot have sex, and I will not force her to, nor will I ever cheat on her. But, some men need to ejaculate at least once every week to ten days or so, otherwise we start feeling anxious...it is something women will never understand, but guys reading this will relate...honestly, how long can you go without ejaculating? I feel my wife is holding my penis hostage...if she does not want sex, fine, if she does not want to give me a hand job (really, thats all she would need to do to keep me happy) I feel she has no right to be upset if I masturbate. It is not like I am cheating on her with another woman. Some guys will do that. I will not. Any comments and advice will be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

September 23, 2016 - 4:58pm
EmpowHER Guest

First things first. What's wrong in masturbation? It is as natural phenomenon as any female's periods. Of course the urge needs to be controlled at some time, but doing it daily is not bad or too much. Face is also that women too do it and enjoy themselves. Best thing now is that you can help him masturbate by giving him a very nice, hygienic hand job, if you don't like giving a blowjob.

August 16, 2016 - 10:30am
EmpowHER Guest

Are you kidding...hes not cheating on you i dont know why your upset everyone masterbates thats all there is dont jump to conclutions

August 6, 2016 - 11:02am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Don't know if your male or female. But if you are a female I can believe how you all consider yourselves so enlightened and yet are willing to be sold a bill of goods. Of course most psychologists are male society keeps telling women this is normal. Good. And even beneficial and if you feel bad you are the one with the problem. Maybe this worked back in the pioneer days but I can't believe this is still working in this day and age. Men in a community toted relationship DO NOT have to masturbate. They just want to watch other people having sex (via porn) and imagine themselves participating or do the same in their fantasies where they often think about having sex with a multitude of other women. THIS IS INFIDELITY WITHOUT THE PENETRATION. if you women are ok with this you have no self respect and men will always have control over you. Stop buying into this garbage. You deserve more

September 29, 2016 - 4:57am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Wow, are you serious, you must be a female that has no understanding of how a male feels. We don't need porn to masturbate to. Yes, we do it because we want to, and it feels good. It Isn't cheating, and it is normal. Don't be such a prude, lighten up and try it sometime. Maybe You have and you just aren't doing it right, or you were taught it is bad and dirty, either way, don't be so judgemental, I don't think time period have anything to do with masturbation, it has always been here, and always will be. If you are male, you may want to get your testosterone levels checked.

November 10, 2016 - 7:53pm
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