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Unable to orgasm is causing problems in my relationship

By August 1, 2009 - 3:18pm
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My boyfriend and I (I am 20 and he is 26) have been having sex for 5 months now. I was a virgin, while he has had only one other serious sexual relationship. I've been masturbating since puberty, but I'm only able to orgasm with a vibrator or the bathtub tap.
When he first started giving me oral, I was able to orgasm. Though, the last couple of times it was taking me a very long time to cum (over 30 minutes) and he was getting frustrated. I tried to explain to him that he had to keep up constant stimulation when I was getting close, but because he was getting tired he would stop for a moment and orgasm would fade away. Because of his frustration with me, I would get turned off--then there was no hope for me and I wouldn't enjoy it anymore. When I ask him now if he'd go down on me he always says that I take too long and will change the subject. I've tried enticing him by suggesting 69, or by telling him how much I want and love when he goes down on me.

My boyfriend also dislikes foreplay, or rather would like just to have sex right away rather than warming me up. I haven't been able to orgasm during sex yet, though have come close. I was very shy and tentative when we first started having sex but lately I've been very enthusiastic and am trying many things that will please him, but he doesn't share the enthusiasm in pleasing me. My biggest problem is that I'm also getting frustrated in my ability to orgasm, so I've been faking it. I'm afraid to tell him this since I know it will hurt his ego.
How do I convince him that my pleasure is important too? How can I get him to start giving me oral again? And how do I focus on my own pleasure during sex rather than focusing all my energy on his pleasure?

Add a Comment5 Comments

There are a few things that come to mind. First is that people will only change if they WANT to. You were on the right track when you tried suggesting doing a 69. I would suggest telling him how much it turns you on when he goes down on you and how it makes you want to do all those fun dirty things he likes you to do(make it about him), but remember that your frame of mind is important, if you are asking him to do it from a "i'm pissed off and frustrated" frame of mind it wont have the same impact as asking from a "I just want us to be happy together" frame of mind. Another thing that comes to mind is that rythm can be extremely important to a lot of women, some girls like it fast and hard some like that slow glide. Guys dont really get that. If you happen to be a girl who likes that slow gliding sensation you will want to tell your guy that you need him to keep that rythm even when you are close to coming and through your climax. It's amazing how much difference that can make for a girl. Hope this helps

January 20, 2010 - 9:15am
Expert HERWriter Guide Blogger

Hi Miss Elizabeth -
This situation sounds very frustrating, so let's see what can be done. Continuing to fake your orgasms isn't the best way to build trust in a relationship, and trust is a key component to growing together sexually.

You've said that you were a virgin, and he only had one other serious sexual relationship before you. In essence, both of you are new to this and learning together. In some ways though, it sounds like you may have more knowledge than he does and be more adventuresome.

Is there a way you could get him into a discussion about sexual pleasure outside of bed? Perhaps a different environment would help. Or perhaps a counselor who could bring a third party perspective would help. Or even using a book or videos that would help him better understand that women also have sexual needs.

Since you know that you can achieve orgasm, you have assurance that you don't have a physical problem in that area. What seems to be lacking is common ground between the two of you, and common goals. The more that can be done to help him better understand what you need, the better.

I hope that helps. Please let me know, and best wishes to you.
Take good care,

December 5, 2009 - 2:05pm

Ah I so know how you feel. I can't orgasm at all! My boyfriend is not a romantic type so he doesn't really enjoy foreplay that we girls, really need. We just have straight sex, which is fine but never satisfy me. Sometimes I am jealous when he finish, I wish to feel it as well. He went down on me twice, or three times but he is getting inpatients as well, because I am taking long to cum. I was trying to give him hints that I need long session of making out and touching. Sometimes he will touch me, but then he looks into my eyes and it weirds me out and I can't feel pleasure. I was trying to make out with him while he was touching me but he doesn't like it I guess. How can I get orgasm just from sex? Don't get me wrong girls, I LOVE having sex with him, I just want to finish once in a while haha

December 4, 2009 - 8:39pm

what you can do is when you are with your partner grab his hand and pull it down to your private part. he should get the picture. oral sex is better but at least you will have an orgasm. it is not your fault that you take long when you orgasm. every women is different.

October 10, 2009 - 12:13am
EmpowHER Guest

You could teach him how to use the kinds of tools you use yourself. That way he can be involved, but take a little break without you losing any ground. It hopefully will render the other problem (of him wanting to cut to the chase) moot.

August 1, 2009 - 8:29pm
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