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What can I do if my husband doesn't want to have sex with me

By July 5, 2010 - 12:20pm
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I am a 35 year old woman and my husband is the same age. Before, I have to push him away when it came to sex, and now he will not ever initiate sex. He says its because he is stressed and tired at his job which I believe, but that doesn't help me. I am 7 months pregnant, and I felt he was forced to have sex with me a couple of times because I wanted a baby. He is affectionate in other ways such as hugs and treating almost like a daughter or little sister. We do have some other issues, he comes from a broken home with no parent communication role model.

I blame myself because I feel like maybe i pushed him a way too much when we were younger, but lately I have been asking him for it and he is saying he is too tired. A month ago I found pronography on the computer, so I know that he is still interested in the idea of sex, but just not in actually doing it.
I am at a loss, and with a child on the way, I feel like I can't leave. And I think of having affairs all the time.

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Honey, what you are your husband are experiencing probably has little to do with love...it's more than likely all about your hormones...and his too! During pregnancy, your body increases its prodcution of progesterone to support the fetus. Also estrogen levels rise. In addition to an increased sex drive, many pregnant women also report an increase in vaginal lubrication, nipple sensation and - as a result of increased blood flow to the genital area - stronger orgasms. With all that going on, what woman wouldn't want to spend more time horizontal?
Now as for your husband, depending on his age, stress and his exposure to environmental foreign and toxic hormones, his lack of desire could be due to dip in testosterone levels. Usually this occurs in the early 40's, but environmental factors can cause testosterone levels to decline at earlier ages, And, if he is oveweight, rising estrogen levels in his system will cause a lockstep rise in something called Sex Hormone Binding Globulin (SHBG) which then goes on to tie up circulating testosterone like it was velcro.
My latest book IN THE MOOD AGAIN doesn't address pregancy specicifally (should have; next edition!) but it does provide some useful info about hormones and sex drive. Blessings to you, your husband and that growing baby!

July 12, 2010 - 11:44am

Hi eadlock,
Thanks so much for your post, and for being on EmpowHer.
Congrats on your pregnancy, and on the other side of the coin, I'm sorry you are going through this tough period with your husband. First off, don't blame yourself or beat yourself up needlessly. You don't need the stress and your baby doesn't either.
My husband and I went through a similar situation when I was pregnant. Pregnancy can make us women more prone to arousal. From my own experience it can have an opposite effect on the husband. My own husband told me that he was afraid of hurting me or the baby if we had sex, and knew that even though I wanted it, it may not be super comfortable so he would just not initiate it. I also understand from talking with my husband then that the impending birth of our child made him anxious--he wanted to be confident that he could provide for our family, and felt like he needed to work harder at work, and bring home more money. Pregnancy was tough for him in different ways, and it did affect our sex life. My husband was a little freaked out by my growing belly, and I think maybe it's not uncommon. It also took a long time afterward to get back to the "fun" of sex. However, it is different for everyone. How do you feel about masterbation? Is your husband nervous about becoming a dad? Is he anxious about his job and being able to provide for the family? Does he feel guilty about looking at internet porn? Is it a problem? Talk with him, tell him about your fears, how you want to be more intimate with him and allow the on-going discussion to bring the two of you closer together help make the bond between the two of you stronger. If he's stressed, give him a back rub, you may get one in return! Do what you like to do together and start getting excited about the baby as much as you can.

July 7, 2010 - 10:42am
Expert HERWriter Guide Blogger

etadlock - Unfortunately, you're not alone. We have a long thread with input from many women who have faced this same situation. Reading it may help you too in understanding what's going on and what your options may be. Good luck! https://www.empowher.com/community/ask/why-doesnt-my-husband-want-me

July 6, 2010 - 4:34pm
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