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Why doesn't my fiancé want to have sex with me anymore( or any physical intimacy whatsoever)?

By June 8, 2010 - 8:32pm
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My fiancé and I have been engaged for a year and been together for two, and getting married in about three years. We just clicked and mesh together so well.When we started dating we were having sex at least once a day, sometime up to five times a day. We couldn't keep our hands off each other and we just fell madly in love not even a week after we meet. And after about a year it started to dwindle; we just got comfortable, which is fine with me. However, it has just gotten really bad over the past four to five months. We might have sex once every 2 weeks on a good month. And despite the sex, he doesn't even really want to kiss me or even touch me. It is so bad that I get "after sex happy" from him initiating holding hands in the car; absolutely no exaggeration. Today I tried to kiss him and I got nothing, but a lightly pursed, peck on the lips, that I initiated. He then proceeded to tell me I was annoying him. I just don't know whats wrong I know for a fact he is not cheating on me because we are together all the time - unless he is sneaking away at 5:00 AM or having "texting/sexting" relationships. (I am completely hysterical and drenched in tears, to give you an idea of how serious I think this is.) I was asking him questions about it like: why don't you want to have sex with me? Is there something wrong? Now the questions are getting as desperate, like: Is it me? Do you not find me attractive anymore? Is my body not sexy anymore? Do you not love me anymore? I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!

Add a Comment6 Comments

Hi Revai
I am so sad to hear about your situation. I agree this is a situation for professional counseling. I have been there, too.
Sadly I wasted over 20 years with someone like you describe. Your reference to your fiance holding back and then exploding is no way to live.
He must be willing to admit to having problems with communication in a positive, rather than destructive manner. You sound very warm and caring and I believe your fiance is not mature enough for a serious relationship, certainly NOT marriage.
My own experience may be different then yours, I hope so.
My partner wasn't sleeping with me because he suffered from sexual addiction, a complete shock to me. It is more common than most realize. Could it be that your fiance is meeting his needs
via internet pornography and multiple episodes of casual sexual encounters?
My partner was seeing other women from Craig's List
during work hours. Don't be fooled as I was just because you are together every evening. In the first month after I left,
I met 3 other women who found their partner was doing the same thing.
Please make sure your fiance is mature enough to be ready for marriage. If he is not meeting your needs now, it won't get better after marriage. If communication is an issue, I strongly advise
professional help for you, individually, as well as a couple. You
have so many years ahead, no need to rush into an exclusive relationship until both of you are ready.
Pay close attention to your feeling and listen to them.
I'm hearing "Danger" ahead, if you stay
with someone who cannot be open and easy, loving and giving.
Good Luck

June 11, 2010 - 7:09pm


I agree with Cary; it really feels like there's something going on in the background here that maybe you aren't aware of. Could your fiance be suffering from depression? Has he lost interest in other things he used to like doing or participating in? Has his situation changed at work? Are there other family things perhaps going on?

Please tell us a little more about the situation. And how old are each of you? Do you have good communication about other things?

June 9, 2010 - 9:08am
(reply to Diane Porter)

Not to be rude, I understand how both of you could of misspelled it. lol. My name is Revai( rev-A) not Reval. lol
I am 20 years old and he is 19. We are kind of high school sweethearts. We have had our ups and downs and been through harder times than this. He is under stress and is having family problems, but nothing new. We do have good communication, when it comes to our relationship and trivial anecdotes or stories. However, when it comes to him talking about himself, he just can't. He doesn't ever tell me what is wrong with him though.
I used to nag him all the time, asking him over and over again. Now I ask once or twice, as always he doesn't tell me, then I just let him be and let him come to me when he is ready. Besides those two approaches, I don't know how else to approach him, let him know I am here for him (whether for advice, an ear, or just a pair of open arms), and get him to open up.
I don't want to get into to much detail, but one time he finally did explode. Everything that he had been bottling up, probably since the last time he exploded, just through him over the edge and it was awful.
I did talk about everything with him last night. I though that I was telling him what was wrong and at the same time trying not to put any blame on him. He got angry though; it seems most the time when he gets mad at me for being sad or upset, he is taking his anger for himself out on me.After everything last night though, today was great, but that can only last so long if we don't address the root of the problem.

June 9, 2010 - 2:47pm
(reply to Revai)

I am so sorry I spelled your name wrong, Revai! Old eyes and early morning are not a good combination, I guess.

Your post tells me you know the answer to your question. I wonder if you could attend a few sessions of couples counseling? It might give him a better ability to express himself. He doesn't seem to feel safe doing that, which probably has nothing to do with you but is likely linked to how he was raised, fear of the response when he expresses a dissenting opinion and that sort of thing. Maybe with a little counseling he could learn to feel safe expressing himself.

I'm glad things were better yesterday. I do hope he finds a way to talk to you so things can get on a more even keel. Please let us know how you do!

June 10, 2010 - 6:28am
(reply to Cary Cook BSN RN)

Thank you. I know that I do not know you and I know we are barely acquaintances, but its good to have someone with experience to talk to you. Again thank you for the advice and I hope I can discuss other problems with you.

June 10, 2010 - 3:36pm

Hi Reval

I'm sorry about your situation. What was your fiance's response to your questions?

There are many things that can lower a sex drive, but honestly, that isn't what this sounds like. This sounds like an intimacy problem, not a sex problem. The lack of touching or kissing and what sounds like a lack of clear communication sound like a relationship or intimacy issue.

Is your fiance under a lot of stress? Do either of you have family issues? Is there some other ongoing problem? What else is going on in the relationship?

If you feel like you can give us more detail, perhaps we can point you in the right direction and give you some resources. Please let us know.

June 9, 2010 - 6:26am
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