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Why doesnt my husband want to have sex?

By March 28, 2010 - 6:14pm
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I have only been married for 3 weeks and my husband still wont have sex with me. when we were dating he said he wanted to wait until he was married before he had sex and i was ok with that. On our honey moon i kept trying to get him to have sex with me and he shows no interest. Im starting to think he just doesnt want me. I have tried every thing i can think of and i get no results when i ask him he says he doesnt understand what the big deal is about sex and doesnt care if he ever has sex. what can i do i need some suggestions.

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are you sure he's a real man?any potent man should yearn to make love to his wedded wife.maybe you should question his potency.

November 11, 2011 - 6:42am
EmpowHER Guest

I have been married for 5 years and my husband has refused to sleep with me for all of them. It's absolutley devastating; he was looking at porn for all the time we were dating and up until I caught him last year. Even though he knows it devastates me, he still refuses to sleep with me. He kept agreeing that we could 'try' and that he would make the effort; I don't know how much more I can take. I kep thinking he would change, he kept on promising, but I don't think he's serious...I have been so deceived.

October 21, 2011 - 9:25am

Have you considered the possibility that he is homosexual? Has he given you reason to believe so? Even this day and age, people hide this and get married. I think it's more common that most people want to admit . Not caring to have sex would be one thing, but why lie? Why would he wait until AFTER the wedding to tell you He is uninterested is sex?

January 13, 2011 - 1:12pm
EmpowHER Guest

This sounds very familiar to a problem on of my family members had when she got married. Although she was not a virgin when she met her husband in the 70's, it was still common to wait until marriage to have sex and that is what they agreed to do. While there was intimacy in the relationship during the engagement, it never went below the belt.

On their honeymoon his behavior was exactly what you are experiencing with your husband. She confronted him after a few nights and he told her that he had never achieved a full erection in his life and was permanently impotent. She was devastated, and I think he even offered to agree to an annulment if she so wished, but her nature was to love him for who he was and deal with the situation life had given her. So, she stayed faithfully married to him for 22 years, they adopted a son and just lived life.

When they finally got a divorce she let loose and indiscriminately fucked a lot of different men. I am sure she was also pretty upset when viagra was introduced on the market too. It's a pretty bleak ending to the story.

Either way, I'm not suggesting any of this as your husbands actual situation; but I am trying to make a few points.

1) If you and he made a promise to wait for marriage and now that you are married he refuses to fulfill the promise it is grounds for an an annulment. No costly divorce.

2) You should never be expected to decrease or suppress your sexual appetite towards the person you love, it's unnatural. So unless he can increase his sex drive, I'm afraid you are still looking at an irreconcilable difference in your marriage.

Despite how much you may love each other, this is a very serious problem.

April 21, 2010 - 3:56pm
EmpowHER Guest

What is his past history of other relationships if he will divulge this to you. Does he have normally developed genitalia (that is if you have gone that far). What comes to mind medically is hormonal imbalances, he should see either a urologist or endocrinologist preferably to assess this. Also, a psychologist might bring out any history of sexual abuse that he may have suffered as a child. Does he manifest any masculine traits, ie: interests in sports, masculine voice, abundant genital hair? I would be happy to address this further. Libido is more than just having the right physical attributes, ie : hormones, it is also more so related to one's psyche. This is not necessarily a reflection of you in particular. He needs immediate counseling in both the physical and psychological arenas.
DR. B.

March 30, 2010 - 4:04am
EmpowHER Guest

Its most likely a hormone problem but it could also be psychological. My husband and I didn't have sex after we were married for the first year because I had a severe phobia of becoming pregnant. Maybe your husband shares some psychological barrier like I did that is keeping away his interest.

March 29, 2010 - 9:40pm
EmpowHER Guest

Is he masturbating and/ or looking at porn? I am asking as if he is doing this as if he is, there is nothing wrong with his drive but he may be dealing with an ever increasing problem in young men nowadays- internet porn addiction. Can you ask him this? Some guys with this issue get so much out of the masturbation/ porno combo that they have very little or no desire for their own wife or girlfriend.
Internet pornography has been coined "the crack cocaine of the net".
If he is indulging and refusing sex with you, there is a problem which he may need councelling for...or at least, if he is willing and able, you can ask him to try cutting it out for a few weeks and then see if there is any improvement with your sex life. Just a thought..

March 29, 2010 - 9:10am

Hi Nichole-

I'm sorry you are going through this. It is actually a problem for many couples, as you will see if you look through our site. Here is a link to one of the threads: https://www.empowher.com/community/ask/why-doesnt-my-boyfriend-want-have-sex-me-anymore?page=4

I have answered several questions about this myself in the past week, so hopefully that will assure you that you are not alone. Sex drive varies tremendously in different people, male or female. Your husband may be serious when he says he doesn't care if he ever has sex. It probably has nothing to do with you at all. He may have a physical or emotional issue that prevents him from being interested in sex, or he may just be one of those people who doesn't need sex. Some people just don't need it at all.

Physically, low testosterone is just one of many reasons a man's sex drive can be non-existent. Thyroid can cause issues as well. The first thing I would do is ask that he get a physical exam and be sure the doctor or nurse practitioner is aware of the sex issue. That will steer them toward what blood work to order, and will be helpful if he is having other symptoms such as fatigue and forgetfulness.

It may be that he has an emotional issue related to sex. Maybe he is afraid, or thinks it is bad...there are about as many different emotional sex issues as there are people. If he checks out physically, talk about why he isn't interested, and listen closely to his answers. If he refuses to talk, you might consider couples counseling because in all honesty, this is a difficult problem and it can have a dramatic effect on your relationship.

Just remember: It probably has nothing to do with you. You are just witnessing his problem. So help him figure out what it is, and go from there. Read our threads here and you will see how many other people are in your situation. Good luck.

March 29, 2010 - 6:30am

I don't really understand the problem he is having but I think the first comment was accurate. I have the same kind of problem but we have been married 21 and only in our early 40's. It has been over 6 years and no matter what anyone says, it does make you feel like it is you. Not that your the problem but that you are not the one he wants. I think that is true for both of us.

March 29, 2010 - 2:19am
EmpowHER Guest

Tell him to come out of the closet.

March 28, 2010 - 7:06pm
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