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Why Won't He Have Intercourse With Me?

By September 5, 2010 - 6:32am
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I love this site, thank you for making it available.  

Here's the confusion I don't understand: 

I'm 48, he's 62 (never married, nonsmoker) We became FWBs about 1-1/2 years ago seeing each other once every 4-6 weeks. When I met him I was married, but left my husband after a few weeks of hooking up with my new friend, it was a long time coming and I had finally gotten courage to move on, also foreclosure and move-out was inevitable but this encounter was integral in my decision to leave. 

My friend and I hooked up and we had some incredible sex, but NO  intercourse.  When I tried he said "I know you want me to XXXX you" but he wouldn't at the time and no explanation was offered at the time. We still had amazing sex.  I also pushed for it"intercourse again the next encounter but no go and no explanation. We have very satisfying sex every other way and it's become very fulfilling for me.  He told me in the very beginning he did not want a "relationship" and for past year has made other written coments quite clear about his needs. I got my head wrapped around the idea as best I could with no dating activity and just enjoyed our time c-- we both had needs and recognized the values of an FWB..  I know he's had very few dates since our first encounter and he has been diagnosed with low testosterone, was even borderline diabetic and he has ben able to reverse it having become a vegan.  We continued to see each other for past 18 months, simply enjoying ourselves ,"thankful for our time together.  This so-called intimate "non-relationship" has really helped me understand more about men and sex.  

I'll tell you his penis is on the small side but I am nearly certain he could still satisfy me with intercourse.  I've had enough experience with men to know that big is not always better, yet a man's self esteem is often tied to his penis.  

My friend is retired, and is an amazing, sensitive, lover. I know he uses Viagra (doesn't freely admit or talk much about it)  and a cock ring to hold erection..   After a couple of months of knowing him he even bought a strap-on for "us.". We've used it a couple of times but I'm really enjoying everything else whether its a sexy massage, toy play, oral sex - everything BUT natursl intercourse (even with a condom) with me.  

I don't understand why this man has NO interest in intercourse with me.  I am an attractive woman, even prettier than when we first met and he thinks I'm sexy. Since our first hookup and my separation, I've sort of re-invented myself with a few changes for me like hair color, my hair is longer, LASIK, boob job, rhinoplasty, upper eyes, lipo in the lower half and neck to remove the signs of aging and depression  and weight gain, and finally a little Botox.  I did these things for me.  I have experienced a HUGE difference in how much more men are now attracted to me, even women are nicer to me and other men in daily life are nicer and more responsive and flirty..  I turn heads and it feels good, especially after having been in a lousy sexless marriage and a long depression due to unhappiness in my marriage.  Underneath it all I've always still had good self esteem and confidence.  Women men consider "cute" have other things about them that give them confidence, and for me it is my independence and personal drive and ambition, that I can take care of myself when it comes right down to it. 

So back to the original question... My FWB seems only interested in sex with me but not the intercourse. Ill add to this that we've recently started communicating more since I pushed him a bit about the disconnect he intentionally creates when we are apart and how it doesn't feel good to me that I wanted to be more of a genuine friend..  I nearly walked a way for this reason, I recently asked him via an email why he has no interest in intercourse with me?  This question was put to him indirectly in related context of other issues and buried in an email so as not to be direct or confront him. I know he read it since he doesn't gloss over emails, and I NEVER got a reply that even remotely addressed my question.

He's recently started "dating" another woman and says he can't see me right now, that he needs to be honest with her.  I get the feeling she's more compatible but that's not my question.  I do understand dating, relationships, men and sex, remember I'm 48 so have much experience with this and understand his needs and desires for other women.. I get that and accept it.

At first early on in our encounters the "no intercourse" really baffled me.  So many wild and crazy things have run through my mind, but i was able to let it go and not make it anything significant between us.  This man is very smart, mature, accomplished man, and never married, no kids.  He has a wonderful personality in my eyes, is sensitive, kind, nice, and knows how to treat women nicely, very respectful too.  He often preferred cuddling and holding me, just feeling good and enjoying our time together.    

This is interesting comment which may shed light:  Before we ever hooked up, we had an early text exchange that was fun and sexually charged and full of hints where he intimated that cuddling was probably preferred to  intercourse, I thought to myself how could a woman deny that!  It's every woman's dream just to be touched and held and is this too good to be true really? I had to find out.

I have always sensed I am more passionate, more sexual than he is now at 61, yet he is trying to keep up, to satisfy my desires, he told me as much in a roundabout way. 

I've never met a man for whom I've had sexual desire and shared intimacy NOT want to have intercourse with me.  I know men with low T have less desire but he's still had interest in other sexual activity.  He loves oral sex, I know I turn him on, he tells me he will always "crave me in his bed".  He tells me he always feels good when we are together, I know the is only a sexual relationship. 

I'm just baffled why a man who seems to want to please me sexually yet denies himself of intercourse with me and further denies me of something he knows i want.  

We don't see each other much now but he remains in contact with me despite his claim of "dating" another woman.  I believe our time has recently come to an end and I'm dealing with that on my own.  I've always understood a day would come that it would end.

Men, please tell me , shed some light on what may be going on or happening with this man's lack of interest in intercourse with me. 

I know this is long question but i wanted to provide added nfo and background I think is important. 

Many thanks for your comments.

Add a Comment3 Comments

EmpowHER Guest

Flower Chick,
This is a great learning lesson as well as an informational story. We really appreciate your insight. As, we have a wide range of users, your story will certainly help others.

Please keep us updated.

September 19, 2010 - 8:40am

Hi FlowerChick,
Unfortunately, the only person that could answer that would be your FWB (friend with benefits). He may not feel that he is denying himself from intercourse; it sounds like you two are doing everything sexually EXCEPT intercourse, and he may choose to masturbate alone. I'm curious: does he ejaculate when you two are intimate? That is satisfying, and he may have medical issues (from what you pointed out) that it may be more trouble-than-its-worth to have intercourse. Having a sexually fulfilling sex life is fun in many ways, and if intercourse creates any type of conflict, he may prefer other sexually satisfying behaviors.

He also sounds like he does not want a long-term, committed relationship with you, since you two are proudly FWB, and he may choose to only have intercourse with a woman he is more committed to.

There are so many different possibilities; we could speculate all day, and twenty different people will have twenty different responses.

Good luck!

September 5, 2010 - 10:15am
(reply to Alison Beaver)

thank you for your note.
to answer your question, yes he does ejaculate.

Early on in our relationship he bought a strap-on for "us" knowing that the intercourse is something I wanted. he thought it would be good for us. I know he wants to please me, and I've gotten pretty comfortable around him just being myself and able to let loose more than ever.

I just wish I could get into his head. As I say I asked him previously via email, and it was simply I felt ignored. This also came in an email in which he told me he could not see me right now as he wanted to be "honest" with a woman he's apparently started to date.

I'm not sure if he's entirely over me either. he's a man who is really set in his ways and acknowleges this. At least one good thing that I've discovered out of this relationship, is I now recognize some of the things that are very important to me in a man and a relationship and what I desire, the feeligns I have, the passion I have, that THAT is what I want from a relationsihp with the ONE! it always seems to be we want the one we canot have, of course this is the one that is the "challenge," the man who is not entirely smittenby us. I think that in and of itself has given me the thrill and challenge I seek. I'm sure it's teh same for men too... they seem attracted to a woman who is less interested in them, the challenge.

I love this website, at age 48 now, I wish I knew when I was a younger woman what I know now. I think my life and experiences with me and sex would have been very different. I encourage especially younger, less mature, less experienced women to read through the site, many thanks.

September 19, 2010 - 8:14am
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