im a first time mom, 25 years old, my daughter is 10 months. before i gave birth to her, i was a loving affectionate woman. I absolutely adored my fiance, and loved making love to him. almost as soon as i gave birth, all of that stopped. I HATE SEX!! I try to force myself too sometimes for his sake, but i feel like i can go the rest of my life without it. when we do have sex, all i can do is wish it would be over. and now i find myself wanting to break down crying afterwards. its not just sex with him either, i cant even masturbate. i have no desire, when i do i feel nothing. i also feel like that loving affectionate person i once was has been replaced by a cold feelingless monster. i feel no emotion. i only feel emotion towards my daughter. its ruining my relationship. IS THIS NORMAL???
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Hi new mom,
Yes---you are normal! This is very common for new moms, so please take the worry and guilt out of the equation...you have enough emotions going on right now.
Since you are feeling loving, affectionate and emotionally bonded with your daughter, that is a great sign. (and, you can feel angry, resentful or bored with her at times, too, and this is normal).
Just to rule out anything more obvious:
- Do you feel like your feelings are out-of-control, or have you ever felt like you are sad for no reason? Postpartum depression is extremely common, and is treatable.
Your feelings towards your fiance are normal, but also need to be addressed. Do you have any insight as to why you are feeling this way? Can you take a step back, and assess your situation? (If not, counseling would be wonderful to provide some perspective!). Here are a few questions to ask yourself:
1. Did you and your fiance plan to have a child? You may both be ecstatic now that she is here, but there could be some unresolved negative feelings if it was an unplanned pregnancy. This is OK to admit! Is your fiance equally bonding with your daughter?
2. Did your fiance provide all the necessary emotional and physical support for you during your pregnancy, labor and delivery? Do you have any resentment towards him for what you viewed as his lacking in any of these areas? Again, if you feel any negative feelings towards him for these reasons, acknowledging them is OK, in order for you to be able to address them and move forward in your relationship.
3. Is your fiance providing the necessary emotional, physical, financial support for you now, with a baby? Specifically: are you the sole caretaker of your daughter? Does he help around the house, with the baby?
4. How is your life outside of your relationship with your fiance? Do you have new mom friends? Do you have a good social support system of friends and family? Do you have alone time/rejuvenation time? Are you in contact with non-mom friends?
5. How is your relationship with your fiance in other ways. Do you still go on "date nights"? Do you still enjoy his company? Do you have physical intimacy that does not involve sex (this could be a big factor--can you be silly and give him a little pinch without being worried it will lead to sex)? I would personally take the "sex" out of the equation right now, and think: how is the rest of my relationship going?
A few thoughts for you:
1. Many new moms do not enjoy sex after having a baby. This is normal, particularly if you had a traumatic labor and delivery. Sex is what got you into that "state" in the first place, and your body could really be saying "enough!"
2. If you are breastfeeding, many moms feel that they are physically and emotionally "drained", and are "touched-out" by the end of the day. Even moms who did not breastfeed are physically and emotionally "touched out", as they are constantly in physical contact with another human being: holding, kissing, soothing, playing, feeding, changing, interacting, disciplining, teaching, talking....
How supportive is your fiance in not having intercourse for a while, until you feel more comfortable? Just taking that off the table may feel "freeing" and you can not play defense all the time--actually initiate some cuddle time and regain some of your compassion towards him. Do you feel he is empathetic and compassionate towards you? Does he understand what you are going through? I think if you keep "forcing" yourself to have sex when you clearly do not want to can make the situation worse; your body will equate a previously pleasurable experience into something that is tense, unwelcome, tolerated, painful, etc. Please challenge yourselves to come up with mutually enjoyable ways to be physically intimate with one another (even just a squeeze of one another's hand), while you get to the underlying issues.
Please seek counseling if you are open to this. It is very, very common what you are going through, and you may need to talk with a third uninvolved person about your situation.
Hope to hear back from you soon---I would love to keep talking with you about this. I've been in your shoes (my "baby" is now almost 3), and I remember not wanting to be physically intimate for almost a year. It was just too much, and having an understanding partner is crucial.
August 2, 2009 - 8:53amThis Comment
thank you very much for getting back to me. its really is a relief to hear someone outside of my life tell me that im not crazy! my fiance is very supportive in every aspect of my daughters and my life. financially, mentally. hes a great father also. to answer some of your questions: no we dont get to really ever go out on a date night and just relax. we are struggling alittle bit financially, and we both work six days a week. he a contractor and i am a mail carrier for the post office. by the time we get home and take care of the baby i for one am so exhausted i dont want to go anywhere. and relaxing, forget it! i have become such a high strung person, my mind just never shuts off and relaxes. and i know that has alot to do with the way we have been clashing lately. as far as holding hands and tickling or just playing around with eachother, we dont. but thats not him its me. everytime he trys to play with me i get upset because i feel emotionally that i dont want to be touched. no more cuddling, kisses, or anything of the sort. AND THAT HAS NEVER BEEN ME!!!! i understand that it probably is hormonal but at the same time its scares me to death. i would love to see a counselor and know it would do me alot of good but its just so hard to find the time to go between being a full time employee and a mom.
August 2, 2009 - 5:48pmThis Comment
Do you have any other social support? Do you have other new mom friends that you can talk to (who are probably going through the same thing)? Are you able to swap babysitting with any other trusted couple, so that you can each have a date night each week or each month that is free of babysitting charges? Do you have any family nearby that can offer some of their babysitting time in exchange for an extra homemade dinner or a car wash or something (or just fun baby time)?
Wow---you both work 6 days a week? I can not even imagine. Yes, you both sound very exhausted, overworked, overburdened, and no wonder there is no time or energy for physical intimacy. On your one day off per week, and any other family time you share in the evenings or mornings: can you find ways to relax, enjoy each other's company, giggle and play? Is there a way to make meals simple, so you can all go outside and walk together, even if for just 20 minutes? Can you and your fiance take time every day or evening to talk without interruption (and not all about how awful work was that day!). Just a few ideas to help bring some more peace and calm and family unity back into your daily life. I know my husband and I were only able to talk for 30 minutes at a time in the evening when we walked around the block, and our infant was in a stroller happily eating his cheerios and watching dogs and squirrels. :-) Even finding a walking friend who is a mom would be wonderful, too!
Take care---it is so difficult to be a mom, especially a new mom, with both parents working so many days every week. Take care of yourselves!
August 2, 2009 - 7:11pmThis Comment
adding on to it (because i forgot) when i say i am emotionless, i mean i cant cry or feel bad.. we fight alot now and i see that sometimes i hurt his feelings yet i cant feel bad or sorry or anything, its like ive been drained of all emotion happy and sad.
August 1, 2009 - 7:34pmThis Comment