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Physical and verbal abuse are forms of “visible” abuse. Scars and bruises, raised voices and demeaning and hurtful words are signals to others that something is not quite right in the relationship. It’s also easier for a wife to see and recognize that’s she’s being abused.
Emotional abuse, however, is much more insidious and not quite as visible. Certainly, a wife’s self-esteem and spirit are battered along with her body in the case of physical and verbal abuse, but a husband can kill his wife’s spirit without even raising a hand or voice against her. For this reason, many women don’t even know they’re being abused, or if they do it’s a long and difficult battle not only to work to repair the damage done themselves, but to get the abuser to recognize the harm that he’s done.
What are the signs of mental abuse?
“Emotional abuse is any nonphysical behavior or attitude that controls, intimidates, subjugates, demeans, punishes or isolates another person by using degradation, humiliation or fear” (www.focusonthefamily.com).
“Nonphysical behavior or attitude” can safely be interpreted to mean neglect, invalidating another’s thoughts and feelings, and refusing to acknowledge the needs of the other (whether intentionally or not). Over a period of time, this kind of emotional climate in a marriage can squeeze the life out of a marriage and out of a wife.
There is a difference between experiencing or inflicting emotional hurt and being emotionally abusive—it is important to make this distinction. Abuse is a cycle. It is not a once-in-a-while event that happens and hurts someone else. In many “ordinary” hurtful cases, apologies can be offered if truly sincere and heal the rift that the hurt has caused. Many hurts are unintentional, and if they were, there is (hopefully) remorse on the part of the person who inflicted that hurt, once the anger, frustration, etc., calms down and cooler heads prevail. With emotional abuse there is none of this. Like other forms of abuse, there can be apologies and promises to never do it again, and there is hope in the beginning that behaviors and attitudes will change—often referred to as the “honeymoon phase”—but somewhere in the back of many a wife’s mind, she knows that it’s only a matter of time before the abuser settles back into old routines.
The Profile of an Emotional Abuser
At the heart of an emotionally abusive husband is his need to ultimately be in control. He feels inadequate and harbors distorted beliefs about women and marriage, usually learned from an abusive father or other dominant male influence, or sometime due to lack of decent male role modeling in how to treat women. In many cases, but not all, an emotionally abusive husband can be manipulative and heavy-handed in keeping his wife “under his thumb”. The abusive husband is “self-referenced”, which means he only sees and considers things from his point of view; he deliberately refuses to or is incapable of looking at things from another’s perspective. “Selfish” and “self-referenced” are two different words and can be described this way: the “self-referenced person would give you the shirt off his back, but he doesn’t know you need it. The self-referenced person frequently violates the marriage partnership by acting without thoughtfully considering his partner’s point of view and needs” (Amy Wildman White). The abusive husband is also emotionally dependent on his wife; that is, his feeling of self-worth comes from being married. Most emotionally abusive husbands are unable to look at and examine themselves and why they engage in such spirit-killing behavior against a person they have avowed to love and cherish.
The Profile of an Emotionally Abused Wife
Women who find themselves in an emotionally abusive situation often have low self-esteems even though they may appear confident and in control of everything. An emotionally abused wife “looks to her husband’s acceptance of her as the measure of her worth” (White).
Unlike a man, who typically finds his identity through work, and academic or athletic achievement, “[a] woman’s identity is often based on her relationships” (White) this makes her vulnerable to abusive relationships.
One of the most common characteristics of an emotionally abused woman is that she is unable to enjoy sexual experiences with her husband. This is due to the deterioration of the trust and the lack of friendship and intimacy over the time of the relationship. Add on top of this societies’, her husbands’ and the church’s views that she’s not a good wife if she doesn’t meet her husband’s sexual needs and she may feel perpetually trapped in her marriage. What many people (including counselors and pastors) fail to realize is that “[t]he wife in these situations experiences intercourse as an indignity, almost as rape, because the physical and the deeply personal, loving aspects of sex…[i]ntimacy and trust, which lay the necessary foundation for a woman to respond sexually, have been removed from the relationship” (White) and she is left to emotionally detach herself from the situation just to survive—at the cost of her soul and spirit.
Call to Action
It’s time to lift the veil from these situations and recognize how much a person’s soul and spirit can be damaged without physical and verbal abuse. Abuse doesn’t have to come in the form of acting out a form of punishment, or lashing out with temper and words. Abuse can also be withholding affection, or never saying a kind word. It takes a strong woman to stand up against what everyone is telling her is her duty and recognize that this kind of situation is not okay, and to talk about it until somebody listens.
If you believe you are in an emotionally abusive marriage—which can take many forms to keep a wife dependant on a husband (a virtual prisoner in her own house)—or you’re not even sure if what you’re experiencing is emotional abuse, please join us in the Marital Discovery and Recovery group and share your story.
Sources: www.focusonthefamily.com; “The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages” by Amy Wildman White (http://www.safeplaceministries.com/pdf/The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages.pdf)
Add a Comment380 Comments
I've only been married a little over 2 years and I just filed for divorce from my abusive husband. I thought it was smarter for me to get out sooner than later . Once I separated from him I realized more than ever how I had been trapped and isolated from family & friends and I never want to live like that again . The humiliation I suffered from him kicking me out of the house and forcing me to move back in with my mother 3 times in 2 years all because he wasn't getting his way so this was punishment. All the break up games just to " test " my love for him . All the never accepting responsibility for his actions because his actions were my fault . I really think he hated my confidence in myself because he didn't have any for himself . All the constant need for reassurance.... I'm exhausted!!!! We tried counseling but it didn't help . His latest break up game right before Christmas where he helped to pack me up and moved me to my moms was it for me . Of course 2 days later he wanted me to come back but that was the LAST time I will allow him to hurt & humiliate me just to stroke his ego . I know I'm a good person and I was a great wife to him and I didn't deserve any of that . He's learning the hard way right now . I love him but I love ME more ! I hope you ladies find the courage to get out . You deserve better
January 29, 2016 - 9:07pmThis Comment
I've only been married a little over 2 years and I just filed for divorce from my abusive husband. I thought it was smarter for me to get out sooner than later . Once I separated from him I realized more than ever how I had been trapped and isolated from family & friends and I never want to live like that again . The humiliation I suffered from him kicking me out of the house and forcing me to move back in with my mother 3 times in 2 years all because he wasn't getting his way so this was punishment. All the break up games just to " test " my love for him . All the never accepting responsibility for his actions because his actions were my fault . I really think he hated my confidence in myself because he didn't have any for himself . All the constant need for reassurance.... I'm exhausted!!!! We tried counseling but it didn't help . His latest break up game right before Christmas where he helped to pack me up and moved me to my moms was it for me . Of course 2 days later he wanted me to come back but that was the LAST time I will allow him to hurt & humiliate me just to stroke his ego . I know I'm a good person and I was a great wife to him and I didn't deserve any of that . He's learning the hard way right now . I love him but I love ME more ! I hope you ladies find the courage to get out . You deserve better
January 29, 2016 - 9:04pmThis Comment
I left a 45 yr marriage due to "emotional abuse" 16 months ago. Although I am dealing with a lawyer, etc, I would not go back for anything!! No more stress.
January 13, 2016 - 9:30pmThis Comment
That's wonderful! I pray I can find the courage to do the same one day..
January 14, 2016 - 10:37amThis Comment
I have been married almost 28 years. I didn't start counseling about our dysfunctional marriage until I was pregnant with our 2nd child (12 years in)... Two different counselors who did not consult with one another labeled me as being emotionally and verbally abused by my husband. He has vexed accepted the labels/diagnosis. I filed for separation in Jan 2008 but dropped it later that year. I chickened out. The patterns continue. The anger is still scary. My kids are now 12 & 14 and after reading a journal from 4 years ago I worry about what I've subjected them to. I told him I want a divorce 4 months ago. He has not said a word along the lines of "what can I do to save our marriage", etc. A cool or days ago he told our daughter he thinks I'm stressed. He has used this excuse to deflect before. Little nuggets like this make me think he isn't capable of changing. And I'm not even sure that is he WERE to change it would make and difference. My trust is so broken. My new counselor said he has some BPD traits and I am sure he has Asperger's (our son is a high functioning Aspie... I guess I'm wondering if men can really change? He's 53 by the way.
January 5, 2016 - 8:11pmThis Comment
Do you really think that someone at the age of 53 is going to change. After all you have been through and done.
January 6, 2016 - 10:27amThis Comment
Help.I am so glad that I found this page. I have been with my husband 10 years and I have never felt so mistreated and so low in my life.I have become a shadow of who I once was but am still holding onto a very tiny piece of myself with all of my might. I have been through infidelity, physical abuse only twice(breaking my ribs one time) but that was 6 years ago, and a severe mental breakdown that put me on disability and kept me in the hospital (mental) 12 times in 2 years. I haven't been in the hospital since 2012 but I feel myself on the brink of a breakdown again all whilst really trying to hang on to myself and not completely lose me in it all. He is a very controlling husband in a passive aggressive way. He has allowed me to pay all of our bills for all of these years and since 2009 it has been a disability check....but not because he doesn't make any money. He makes almost 700.00 a week and I am not allowed to ask for money...he used to give me a small allowance a week(under 100) and that was supposed to buy any and everything for the household, gas,groceries,medicine,anything....but only gave when he wanted and never if I needed, even if I need groceries, he will eat somewhere else and take his clothes somewhere else to wash and all so he can say these are my bills not his(my house).If I ever ever ask for anything then that makes my wait period longer if he decides to give.If I leave home even to go to see my grown children for an hour he will leave home to control me into coming home, he snatches my wedding ring off my finger for weeks at a time because he says I don't deserve it, he gives me silent treatment for days on end and I never even know the reason why. He has pushed my family away,I have no friends as anytime I would speak to or meet up for lunch with one he would leave me...so I was always making excuses as to why I couldn't go somewhere until no one talks to me anymore. I can't use my phone or laptop even just for researching because I always have to be doing something wrong and we have to argue about it so Ive learned to never pull them out when he is home. I have 3 dogs 2 I have had the entire time we have been together and 1 he gave me and brought in the house 3 years ago.And now all of a sudden the past 6 months or so he has argued with me Everyday about how he cant stand the dogs and they are nasty(and which is a lie I am OCD and my house is spotless) and he wants me to get rid of or euthanize them. As a matter of fact the past 3 nights he has slept in the living room and not spoken to me and when I tried to tell him how hurt and could he just come to bed he tells me he cant stand my dogs anymore(EXCUSES and control) and those dogs are the only happiness I have in this house and seem to love me more than him anyway so I refuse to budge on this issue but it keeps me confined as I'm even scared to go to the store or leave with the threat of him harming or taking my animals, because he did take one of them before to be cruel(remember, he hates them)I am struggling so hard with this as I am trying to live a life pleasing to God and I don't know what to do. I know God is against divorce and I made vows...I have prayed for him, for me, for us and have been the best wife and step mother to his kids that I know how to be. I cannot say anything indisagreement to him or he leaves or threatens to leave me and when he does it stresses me so and he even takes my clothes(that he did not buy). But everyone he knows loves him and thinks he is the best thing since sliced bread. He is very charming, nice to others and lies and tells everyone that he has such a hard time because I refuse to help him and that he pays all the bills and that is much untruth. I thought a husband was supposed to be a partner, a best friend but I feel like he is my complete enemy as I hear him talking about how not good of a wife I am to other people. I am in such turmoil. I am a good wife, I do get a disability check but he makes me feel worthless.I keep a very clean house and cook a 5 course dinner everyday, mind you if I don't fix his plate he will not even eat. If we have sex one time a day he talks bad to me about it about how he is so displeased that is all he gets that he don't want it one time,he wants it 4 times. I am completely worn out emotionally and physically by this man and he has beaten me down so that I don't even know how to leave or make him leave, the confrontation is something I fear deeply.. I pray everyday that IF this is not what God has for me that he will take it away in whatever form he sees fit, I truly don't know how much longer I can take this. As I am writing this he is packing things and leaving me, again(although he wont really leave or he will be back and I will feel threatened to open the door for him. I know theres probably no one that can help me but I had to get this off my chest...so I am daily believing that God will help me just because I believe and have hope in a better life for me. This somehow made me feel better just to release this to you all in conversation if even just for a moment.Thank you for taking the time to read.
January 1, 2016 - 1:20pmThis Comment
There is so much you have shared that are obvious signs of emotional abuse. What you are going through is NOT OK. I just left a 16 year marriage and was held there because I believed God called me to be a good wife and leaving was not an option. I started to believe God hated women. I then started to read, read a lot. I did the stop walking on eggshells workbook and really understood what was happening was NOT OK. I read about narcissist and BCD and understood I needed to get out. It was very hard ( he burned all my clothes, had me arrested for trespassing into the home we shared) told everyone I was mentally Ill, used our daughters as pawns against me. Want I found was a new faith in God that he loves me very much and delivered me out of bondage. I am so so much better. God loves you way more than the institiution of marriage. I promise
January 20, 2016 - 8:01amThis Comment
Hi everyone I've been feeling really alone till I found this article.
December 20, 2015 - 4:30pmI'm at my wits end with my husband I don't think I can take anymore!
Everything is my fault and the whole world revolves around him and money! If I ask him if he bought me anything the answer would be I've not bought myself anything or if we are out shopping and I say I'm hungry can I get some food he will say I haven't had anything! He
controls everything I spend and if I ask for anything at all even if we can afford it he throws a fit and finds some way to embarrass me and start an argument to the point if we are out he will start whispering nasty comments to me calling me names!
I get called lots of names on a daily basis and he has a very bad anger problem where he will kick punch hit things scream shout and say the most awful things like he hates me more than he has ever hated anyone, he is going to divorce me, he will take the kids because a court wouldn't let me have them because I'm disabled, he can't stand me and many many more but it's the looks he gives me when he says them like he has reached inside and crushed my heart! I have been married to him for 6 years we have 2 beautiful children a boy and a girl who often here the nastiness he gives to me as the kids often say why is daddy so nasty to you or say to him to stop being nasty to mummy but then he shouts at them! He was so different in the beginning he has got worse and worse as times gone on he used to say he loved me and that I am beautiful every day but not anymore plus of I get dressed up I used to get complimented but now nothing all I get is off the kids saying I look lovely which then upsets me even more that my 4 year old can say it but he can't! He is so so horrible to me both my mum and dad have passed recently and I'm only in my twenties it has been so hard for me and he has barely been there he never comforts me or thinks about what he's saying I've also lost the rest of my family because of him but I think he uses the fact I have no1 and that I am disabled to his advantage and he is all I have and thinks I'll never leave him! Being christmas I like to do little things with the kids that I had as a child and each year he complains more about them he just started a big argument on my stupid traditions and how he hopes the is the last Christmas he has to spend with me! He's always threatening to leave me but then acts like he's said nothing the next day and when I say we need to talk about what's happened and work things out he says no let's just leave it I don't want to talk about it just forget it and get on with it but am I right to think we should talk about it as nothing is getting resolved! I've tried to tell him how he is making me feel on so many occasions but isn't bothered in the slightest and doesn't even say sorry for things he says and does anymore I'm so sad down depressed and lonely I would love any advice going I'm stuck in a miserable life please help thank you in advance x
This Comment
I am deeply sorry that you are going through this in your life. If you think that by staying with this man you are doing your children a favor you are are in the wrong path. I grew up with my father verbally abusing my mother I will tell you something that might help you encourage you to pack you stuff and leave. You are doing a great harm to your children. When they get older they will either marry an abuser or become one. Please seek help a person who abuse you verbally doesn't love you or values you in any way. Ask your self a question do you really deserve this? Do you think that your children deserve this type of infancy life? I don't know what exactly your situation is and why your are disable are you completely disabled or partially? Maybe if you are partially disable you can find a partime. Even though my father apologize to me when he was devastated when my mom decided to file for divorce the harm that was done to me is irreversible even though I did forgive him. My mom didn't want to leave because of me and trust me if she had left while I was still a kid she would have done both a favor. Thanks to her decision of not leaving the marriage before I am the person I am today. I don't believe that love actually exist it fades away with the years that's one . Two is no matter how many years you are married for you will never know who your partner is, it takes a lifetime to know somebody that most like you will never know. there are in the world more abusers than normal people. The chances of meeting someone kind and loving are very odd. I had the greatest luck of meeting two men who I considered to be the best men I have ever met and that is my grandfathers from both side. I have never ever seen them upset in my life not disrespect their wife. Three thanks to the childhood I lived I refuse to have children, I have decided to end this generation without any children what so ever. I can't find a man I can trust that I can have children with I don't think I will be so lucky to be able to find those that are the 1%. I rather save my self from disappointment than to experience being a mother. and my past has made reflect about not having kids is the best choice I can make for myself after seeing the lives of some friends and the hardship they went through I'm ok without having kids. You'll be surprise how many people today think like this. It's really terrifying this that you have said and you are so young. I am in my 30's already and I still maintain the same position about not having kids. Kids deserve to live in a happy environment so that they grow strong and healthy without any problems what so ever. I am very sorry if sound very pessimistic with my decisions and thoughts but this is what I have decided and we become and form ourselves based on our experiences. That's why I suggest you to look for a solution donnot stay in this marriage you will ruin your children leave now that they are young they need to be in a better environment. What examples are they getting. Do NOT!listen to him threatening you to remove the custody. An abuser will tell you this so that you don't pack and leave him. Listen to your inner voice you donnot want to stay and you know this is wrong and unhealthy find profesional help if you have to help you leave. Do it for your children at the end they will thank you for leaving. The sooner the better.
December 28, 2015 - 4:02pmThis Comment