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Physical and verbal abuse are forms of “visible” abuse. Scars and bruises, raised voices and demeaning and hurtful words are signals to others that something is not quite right in the relationship. It’s also easier for a wife to see and recognize that’s she’s being abused.
Emotional abuse, however, is much more insidious and not quite as visible. Certainly, a wife’s self-esteem and spirit are battered along with her body in the case of physical and verbal abuse, but a husband can kill his wife’s spirit without even raising a hand or voice against her. For this reason, many women don’t even know they’re being abused, or if they do it’s a long and difficult battle not only to work to repair the damage done themselves, but to get the abuser to recognize the harm that he’s done.
What are the signs of mental abuse?
“Emotional abuse is any nonphysical behavior or attitude that controls, intimidates, subjugates, demeans, punishes or isolates another person by using degradation, humiliation or fear” (www.focusonthefamily.com).
“Nonphysical behavior or attitude” can safely be interpreted to mean neglect, invalidating another’s thoughts and feelings, and refusing to acknowledge the needs of the other (whether intentionally or not). Over a period of time, this kind of emotional climate in a marriage can squeeze the life out of a marriage and out of a wife.
There is a difference between experiencing or inflicting emotional hurt and being emotionally abusive—it is important to make this distinction. Abuse is a cycle. It is not a once-in-a-while event that happens and hurts someone else. In many “ordinary” hurtful cases, apologies can be offered if truly sincere and heal the rift that the hurt has caused. Many hurts are unintentional, and if they were, there is (hopefully) remorse on the part of the person who inflicted that hurt, once the anger, frustration, etc., calms down and cooler heads prevail. With emotional abuse there is none of this. Like other forms of abuse, there can be apologies and promises to never do it again, and there is hope in the beginning that behaviors and attitudes will change—often referred to as the “honeymoon phase”—but somewhere in the back of many a wife’s mind, she knows that it’s only a matter of time before the abuser settles back into old routines.
The Profile of an Emotional Abuser
At the heart of an emotionally abusive husband is his need to ultimately be in control. He feels inadequate and harbors distorted beliefs about women and marriage, usually learned from an abusive father or other dominant male influence, or sometime due to lack of decent male role modeling in how to treat women. In many cases, but not all, an emotionally abusive husband can be manipulative and heavy-handed in keeping his wife “under his thumb”. The abusive husband is “self-referenced”, which means he only sees and considers things from his point of view; he deliberately refuses to or is incapable of looking at things from another’s perspective. “Selfish” and “self-referenced” are two different words and can be described this way: the “self-referenced person would give you the shirt off his back, but he doesn’t know you need it. The self-referenced person frequently violates the marriage partnership by acting without thoughtfully considering his partner’s point of view and needs” (Amy Wildman White). The abusive husband is also emotionally dependent on his wife; that is, his feeling of self-worth comes from being married. Most emotionally abusive husbands are unable to look at and examine themselves and why they engage in such spirit-killing behavior against a person they have avowed to love and cherish.
The Profile of an Emotionally Abused Wife
Women who find themselves in an emotionally abusive situation often have low self-esteems even though they may appear confident and in control of everything. An emotionally abused wife “looks to her husband’s acceptance of her as the measure of her worth” (White).
Unlike a man, who typically finds his identity through work, and academic or athletic achievement, “[a] woman’s identity is often based on her relationships” (White) this makes her vulnerable to abusive relationships.
One of the most common characteristics of an emotionally abused woman is that she is unable to enjoy sexual experiences with her husband. This is due to the deterioration of the trust and the lack of friendship and intimacy over the time of the relationship. Add on top of this societies’, her husbands’ and the church’s views that she’s not a good wife if she doesn’t meet her husband’s sexual needs and she may feel perpetually trapped in her marriage. What many people (including counselors and pastors) fail to realize is that “[t]he wife in these situations experiences intercourse as an indignity, almost as rape, because the physical and the deeply personal, loving aspects of sex…[i]ntimacy and trust, which lay the necessary foundation for a woman to respond sexually, have been removed from the relationship” (White) and she is left to emotionally detach herself from the situation just to survive—at the cost of her soul and spirit.
Call to Action
It’s time to lift the veil from these situations and recognize how much a person’s soul and spirit can be damaged without physical and verbal abuse. Abuse doesn’t have to come in the form of acting out a form of punishment, or lashing out with temper and words. Abuse can also be withholding affection, or never saying a kind word. It takes a strong woman to stand up against what everyone is telling her is her duty and recognize that this kind of situation is not okay, and to talk about it until somebody listens.
If you believe you are in an emotionally abusive marriage—which can take many forms to keep a wife dependant on a husband (a virtual prisoner in her own house)—or you’re not even sure if what you’re experiencing is emotional abuse, please join us in the Marital Discovery and Recovery group and share your story.
Sources: www.focusonthefamily.com; “The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages” by Amy Wildman White (http://www.safeplaceministries.com/pdf/The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages.pdf)
Add a Comment380 Comments
run run run girl as it won't get any better lucky you don't
December 1, 2015 - 1:52pmhave children....seek the support of your friends and family
(if your family are understanding) ....
stay strong do not allow this man to bring you down....
its good you have taken the time to write this is a big step
forward kick him out with the help of the police as its your
home and in your name - good luck
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Your article is quite detrimental to marriages. You're not even qualified to write on this topic like you're an expert on it. It's the most lump sided, biased article I've read. Obviously, you've been a victim of what you've proffered here.
Clearly, you should've done more research on this to present the root cause of some of these issues and how the can be reversed. It's amazing how you recklessly blanketed all forms of abuse as being caused by the husband. You only seemed to pretend that you were writing responsibly where you tried to explain the differentiation between emotional hurt and emotional abuse. But you failed at even at that.
It's not always about the woman as others have commented. And you totally dismiss all other points of view, and focus solely on the husband as the only cause of then problem. Which only led you to recommend and encourage that women exit their marriages because of their husbands have been abusive towards them (per your point of view). Thankfully, there are experts in this field that understand marriage dynamics and have researched this topic for years. I urge your audience to seek out material offered by experts who can better explain these things and provide marriage saving solutions which many marriages have benefited from.
November 13, 2015 - 12:09amThis Comment
so are your qualifications???
December 1, 2015 - 4:37pmI await your reply....
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I need some help.
I've been with my boyfriend for almost 9 years. We started dating when I was 20. We had been friends prior to our relationship, so I thought I knew him.
November 11, 2015 - 10:41amAs soon as we started dating, I saw a different side of him. Very needy emotionally, and very disrespectful and critical of his mother. When I voiced concerns about this, he told me that his mother had mistreated him as a child and I had no right to judge him for their current relationship.
I stayed with him and despite a few weak attempts to break up with him, we now have 2 children.
My problem is that he is actually a nice man. He brings me flowers and smiles and laughs. we have fun together and sometimes he is very considerate. Our relationship is great more than half of the time. But he had anger problems. When something displeases him he is quick to raise his voice, criticize things, or give the silent treatment. He is a dominant man and when something angers him, everyone has to feel it. This has caused anxiety issues for me where I fear arousing his temper. He doesn't hit me or call me names. But when I try to stand up to him, he is a master at taking the wind out of my sails. He will rarely apologize, and at the end of every confrontation, I am always left with the feeling that it is actually me who is the problem. If I showed more affection, if I did little things to show my love, if I initiated sex more, if I complimented him, if I stopped living in a fantasy world, things would be better. Every time we have a big discussion about the problems in our relationship, I feel that I am the one who needs to change more.
He is a very critical man who seems to be intolerant of different ways to do things. He will point out ways that he thinks I should do things, and if I don't listen or get angry, he responds with anger. So I try to do things his way and not argue, but it never seems to be enough. When I bring this issue up, the last time in particular, he told me that he criticizes me because he sees me getting stressed out because of doing things the hard way, so when he criticizes me it's because he cares.
He says his love for me is deep and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. But I don't know what to do. Am I the problem? Is he the problem? Are we a problem together and we both need work?
I don't know if these problems are even real or if I am impossible to please. Is this how every relationship is and I just have unrealistic expectations? Is my self-esteem so low that I just take everything too personally?
I find myself unable to leave. Often times I want to, but I doubt my reasoning and fear I will regret it, while hurting him in the process.
Do you have any tips for how I can assure myself that these problems are real and not in my head? How can I be sure of a decision moving forward? I have 2 children and my decision is not one to be made lightly and I have to be absolutely sure. What do I do?
This Comment
No You are not crazy you have stayed hoping things will improve and wanting to not break up putting up and shutting up ...
December 1, 2015 - 4:54pmyou know by staying in a relationship that is not a happy relationship or where you are being mentally abused or any sort of abuse this is only teaching your children that this is acceptable behaviour and guess what your children will go find exactly the same person as the abuser to marry also your children will not have any respect for you if you stay!
Getting out of a bad marriage takes a lot of courage and strength and support of family and friends....you can do it as you deserve a better life, it will be hard, the best thing to do is leave move away as it won't be easy, you will have times when you think you should go back to him especially when he tries to suck you back into that situation the abuser can be very manipulating...
I send you strength and the power to stay strong empower yourself motivate your self you can do it ...
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I don't know you but I do because you are me and I am you.
November 11, 2015 - 11:41pmIn the 9th year of my marriage I was at the same place you find yourself today: starting to ask yourself if this whole thing is "right". You know down in your gut that something is wrong. Is this the way a husband should treat his wife? Is the reason you don't fight because you're making all the efforts to not piss him off because you're afraid of his anger? Let me say that again...you are afraid of the man who says he loves you. Yes, something is wrong and it's NOT you. You have just made one of the biggest steps and that's being honest with yourself that something is wrong. Warning.
My husband was so sweet...when he wasn't being an abusive jerk. But I stayed with him 11 years longer than where you're at now and it slowly became more intense even violent where I feared for my life and the safety of my 2 small children. I justified his behavior in every way possible. I ALWAYS had an excuse for him. He never said sorry but he didn't have to because I had already forgiven him for calling me horrific names or strangling me. I believed he would change because I was by his side and he just needed my love. I was wrong. I kicked him out after 20 years of being together. Since then it's like my body randomly goes into shock and I tremble, can't breathe and feel my heart racing rapidly. The same feeling I'd get when I knew that I was "in for it". Even though he's gone, the damage is so profound that i could have never realized it before he was gone because i was always too busy worrying what HE was feeling. Forgot your feelings, right? WRONG. You feel. You think. You are a human being.
I wanted to share just a little bit of my story with you. I was like you reaching out for somebody to justify that I wasn't crazy or that everything was not my fault. I had nobody except these websites to turn to (thank the heavens that they are here!). I never wrote. I listened. I identified with so many other women. We've all been there. We all know exactly what you're feeling and talking about. You are NOT alone and I've heard your voice and I'm telling you as an abuse survivor that you are beautiful and strong and this man who only wants you to be weak does not deserve your love. Be true to your heart and reach out to those who really care about YOUR well being. Stay safe and don't forget that your children need you to keep them safe (physically and emotionally) even if it is from their own dad. Good luck
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I have to post anonymously, forgive me. I cannot tie my fb account to my comments. I can tell you however that I know what you mean you when you say you have that "Im going to get it" feeling. I had it earlier today. It has been raining here, and our back yard has mud. The dogs were out, and I home school our sons, and I did not think about their paws when they came in. So when they came in bounding and playing they went onto the chair in the living room, and my immediate thought was your words exactly: You are going to get it. Your heart races, like a child. I began to cry, and I drafted an email to him apologizing for being so stupid and allowing this to happen, hoping the time buffer would allow him to cool off. He cannot show out around other people at work. There just has to be a life where a chair is just a chair, and mud is just mud. The worst thing? I have known him since 1990, and I know that inside he likes being in charge. It turns him on.
December 5, 2016 - 12:28pmThis Comment
I'm writing this at 3:30 am. My husband has been gone for two days, phoned once and clearly lied about where he was/is.
November 11, 2015 - 2:39amAfter 12 years, a fractured arm, broken nose and mistreatment (emotional) of my two sons, I left for almost a year.
I suffer from bipolar, major depressive disorder, still struggling with self-esteem due to my dad sexually abusing me from age 4, etc.
I came back in a fragile state, he said all the right things.
I'm a fool.
I've been self-medicating with codeine, he laughs and screams that I'm a useless junkie in front of my son, is back to raising his fists at me, spitting on me and not letting me go anywhere. We live 55 km away from anywhere.
But he's out doing cocaine, oxycontins, etc , bad-mouthing me to family and not coming home!
I've been home for 6 months, he has the deed to the house in his name, and it's my son's graduating year...I want out but don't want to drag my son around again (I left twice in the last 4 years, my mistake) and to be honest, the nervous breakdown I had a few months ago has me so weak that I feel too exhausted to do anything more than secretly cry occasionally.
I'm tired, I'm angry and I'm terrified of being homeless again. Yet I can't bear to hear the words "why don't you just DIE already". My poor son. He's the only reason I'm not ending my life tonight.
I know posting this changes nothing, but I need to TALK. I'm always alone. I don't want to worry my mom, she lives very far away.
Just lost I guess. Sorry for the rant.
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You need to leave this man. NOW. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for your young and impressionable son.
November 11, 2015 - 3:29amYou also need to tell your Mom and perhaps go & live closer to her if that is possible. Imagine your son being a grown man, and some woman was abusing him like your partner is doing to you, wouldn't you want to know about it and try to do all that you can to help him?
Find a place to stay and grab your most essential things when he is not home and just go. Run & don't look back. Things will fall into place later. You need to get away from this man so that you can think straight.
You are not alone... I did it.. so can you...I just went through this and know exactly the state of mind you are in right now. STAY STRONG for your son! You CAN do this! Yes it is hard. Yes it is painful. Yes it is terrifying. But you CAN do this! Get help & support NOW. Love & light to you...
http://ladywithatruck.com
http://narcissistsupport.com
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I did leave. Because the resources are so overrun I was left with the option of putting my 17 year old (awesome student & great kid) in foster care and being homeless. I was more afraid of that than coming back here.
I couldn't think straight, and he came in at my weakest, lowest most helpless moment.
Yesterday I said I was going to gown, I just needed to get out. He flattened the tires, and while I was waiting for the compressor to build up, the police and an ambulance pulled into the yard!
He had called and said I was trying to kill myself! (Questions, tests, all fine )
Well, I'm done. For the first time, rage won out over fear.
I told him he had better fear me like he's never feared anyone. I got up in his face and dared him to f**k with me, that my son and I are staying until graduation and that not only will i have the law on him for something as simply defined as "forcible confinement", but if if he chooses to make this difficult in any way, his father, unfortunately, will suffer the consequences as well - if I force him to sell, his father's house on our property will have to go too.
He doesn't speak too kindly of his father, but there is a definite unspoken respect there, and I'm going to go only as far as I feel he forces me to.
I am NEVER this vicious. But I am full up to the brim. I will not be bullied, hurt, embarrassed, mocked and hit into ANYBODY'S submission. If he tries it, I may get hurt but he'll be going down harder than I will. Just because I put up with this for so many years does not mean I am foolish, by any stretch of the imagination. I'm smart enough to get what I need to get done go me and my boy.
And I know this all too well: psychology can make or break it.
I'm gonna make it, using what I know psychologically about him.
November 15, 2015 - 4:53pmThis Comment