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Physical and verbal abuse are forms of “visible” abuse. Scars and bruises, raised voices and demeaning and hurtful words are signals to others that something is not quite right in the relationship. It’s also easier for a wife to see and recognize that’s she’s being abused.
Emotional abuse, however, is much more insidious and not quite as visible. Certainly, a wife’s self-esteem and spirit are battered along with her body in the case of physical and verbal abuse, but a husband can kill his wife’s spirit without even raising a hand or voice against her. For this reason, many women don’t even know they’re being abused, or if they do it’s a long and difficult battle not only to work to repair the damage done themselves, but to get the abuser to recognize the harm that he’s done.
What are the signs of mental abuse?
“Emotional abuse is any nonphysical behavior or attitude that controls, intimidates, subjugates, demeans, punishes or isolates another person by using degradation, humiliation or fear” (www.focusonthefamily.com).
“Nonphysical behavior or attitude” can safely be interpreted to mean neglect, invalidating another’s thoughts and feelings, and refusing to acknowledge the needs of the other (whether intentionally or not). Over a period of time, this kind of emotional climate in a marriage can squeeze the life out of a marriage and out of a wife.
There is a difference between experiencing or inflicting emotional hurt and being emotionally abusive—it is important to make this distinction. Abuse is a cycle. It is not a once-in-a-while event that happens and hurts someone else. In many “ordinary” hurtful cases, apologies can be offered if truly sincere and heal the rift that the hurt has caused. Many hurts are unintentional, and if they were, there is (hopefully) remorse on the part of the person who inflicted that hurt, once the anger, frustration, etc., calms down and cooler heads prevail. With emotional abuse there is none of this. Like other forms of abuse, there can be apologies and promises to never do it again, and there is hope in the beginning that behaviors and attitudes will change—often referred to as the “honeymoon phase”—but somewhere in the back of many a wife’s mind, she knows that it’s only a matter of time before the abuser settles back into old routines.
The Profile of an Emotional Abuser
At the heart of an emotionally abusive husband is his need to ultimately be in control. He feels inadequate and harbors distorted beliefs about women and marriage, usually learned from an abusive father or other dominant male influence, or sometime due to lack of decent male role modeling in how to treat women. In many cases, but not all, an emotionally abusive husband can be manipulative and heavy-handed in keeping his wife “under his thumb”. The abusive husband is “self-referenced”, which means he only sees and considers things from his point of view; he deliberately refuses to or is incapable of looking at things from another’s perspective. “Selfish” and “self-referenced” are two different words and can be described this way: the “self-referenced person would give you the shirt off his back, but he doesn’t know you need it. The self-referenced person frequently violates the marriage partnership by acting without thoughtfully considering his partner’s point of view and needs” (Amy Wildman White). The abusive husband is also emotionally dependent on his wife; that is, his feeling of self-worth comes from being married. Most emotionally abusive husbands are unable to look at and examine themselves and why they engage in such spirit-killing behavior against a person they have avowed to love and cherish.
The Profile of an Emotionally Abused Wife
Women who find themselves in an emotionally abusive situation often have low self-esteems even though they may appear confident and in control of everything. An emotionally abused wife “looks to her husband’s acceptance of her as the measure of her worth” (White).
Unlike a man, who typically finds his identity through work, and academic or athletic achievement, “[a] woman’s identity is often based on her relationships” (White) this makes her vulnerable to abusive relationships.
One of the most common characteristics of an emotionally abused woman is that she is unable to enjoy sexual experiences with her husband. This is due to the deterioration of the trust and the lack of friendship and intimacy over the time of the relationship. Add on top of this societies’, her husbands’ and the church’s views that she’s not a good wife if she doesn’t meet her husband’s sexual needs and she may feel perpetually trapped in her marriage. What many people (including counselors and pastors) fail to realize is that “[t]he wife in these situations experiences intercourse as an indignity, almost as rape, because the physical and the deeply personal, loving aspects of sex…[i]ntimacy and trust, which lay the necessary foundation for a woman to respond sexually, have been removed from the relationship” (White) and she is left to emotionally detach herself from the situation just to survive—at the cost of her soul and spirit.
Call to Action
It’s time to lift the veil from these situations and recognize how much a person’s soul and spirit can be damaged without physical and verbal abuse. Abuse doesn’t have to come in the form of acting out a form of punishment, or lashing out with temper and words. Abuse can also be withholding affection, or never saying a kind word. It takes a strong woman to stand up against what everyone is telling her is her duty and recognize that this kind of situation is not okay, and to talk about it until somebody listens.
If you believe you are in an emotionally abusive marriage—which can take many forms to keep a wife dependant on a husband (a virtual prisoner in her own house)—or you’re not even sure if what you’re experiencing is emotional abuse, please join us in the Marital Discovery and Recovery group and share your story.
Sources: www.focusonthefamily.com; “The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages” by Amy Wildman White (http://www.safeplaceministries.com/pdf/The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages.pdf)
Add a Comment380 Comments
Sigh, so maybe my story is different. But I feel psychologically drained by my relationship. I feel like my husband withholds sex as punishment, tries to distort my reality by creating a scenario I'm uncomfortable with then when I react, goes on to make me feel guilty saying he thought "I'd be happy, but he guesses he won't be doing it again" he does this so on a later date when he excludes me in that particular activity he can use the, 'well remember how you acted last time' thing. He loves being the center of attention, so if anyone starts to give me a little more attention he will try his best to get me ignored. When I say this guy will use anything to unsettle my emotions, for disrespectful remarks that he says are jokes, watch movies that he can make certain remarks and claim he is speaking about the movie, not me, or downright treat me disrespectfully in front of ppl to the extent that I'm left looking like I deserved it. He always gets his way somehow, by making me feel bad, or by complaining so much so that i just give in and do whatever it is he wants to do. I feel like I've lost my identity trying to love this man, and the sad part is, not only do I love him, I'm still in love with him.
November 26, 2015 - 10:53amThis Comment
I think You have a low self esteem. I'll give you an advice. Learn to love and respect yourself first. Donnot allow anyone to disrespect you. When respect is lost within a relationship everything is lost. Boundaries has been crossed and everyone should have their limits . Find help tell a friend or a family member what you are going through and make a decision for your own good. Breakups are hard but there are probably plenty of men out there waiting to to treat you with respect.
December 29, 2015 - 11:55amThis Comment
My husband cheated on me the whole marriage physically mentally and talks. He degrades me lies about me and blames everything on me. He gets away with it. He let her degrade me and don't stand up for me. I have no self esteem anymore. I dream of leaving and going back home but he controls everything . with him its always me me me. I have cf and no consideration for me. He won't let me go anywhere then blames me for it. I have thought about suicide but have no one to talk to or friends.
November 23, 2015 - 11:17pmThis Comment
Do You have family? If You do Tell them what is happening. Or You need to seek professional help And leave the relationship ASAP.
December 29, 2015 - 12:30amThis Comment
Hi. I wanted to let you know that I understand everything your going thru. You can communicate with me if you'd like. My husband is constantly belittling me and yelling. I can't take it any longer. Hope to hear froM you soon
December 10, 2015 - 12:56pmThis Comment
Have You comunícated to your partner that his attitude towards you is wrong and unacceptable?
December 29, 2015 - 12:36amThis Comment
Have You comunícated to your partner that his attitude towards you is wrong and unacceptable?
December 29, 2015 - 12:35amThis Comment
Please dont ever think about suicide again..behind a demon that is tormenting you. Im going thru nine years of hell with my husband and can relate if anyone wants to talk email me [email protected]
December 5, 2015 - 11:20amThis Comment
Hi there,
Unlike a lot of these comments - my husband would never do drugs, cheat on me, lay a hand on anyone whatsoever. In fact, he's truly a wonderful guy with a deep moral compass which is why we clicked so well in the beginning. We broke off our engagement due to issues that we're dealing with now, and some days I kick myself for going back. We now are married (7 years) and have two beautiful boys. It is not an option for me to leave (unless things truly get so bad that I can't stay).
He is usually "nice" and gives me compliments non-stop. But, he is very emotionally needy and needs a lot. He has anger issues and probably (lately) every week or so they flare up and we have a huge fight. Last month it got so bad I took the kids and left for my mom's house - and the last one was just a few days ago on my birthday. He yells at me to the point where I begin to cry, and then he continues yelling and won't stop. He usually gets angry over little things (I purchased a gift for my sons and he got angry about that - he feels they are competition to him) - and then it turns into this huge blame session. I'm told that I never give him anything emotionally or physically, our kids will need counseling because I'm mothering them (when my 15 month old had a bad fever and sickness, he got very angry that I was spending time taking care of him), that I never listen to his feelings - he even yelled at me for the fact that "he had to go out and spend $80 on birthday balloons and a cake for me" - this all on my birthday. After I cry, get mad, and usually leave the room, he will come and apologize over and over. And then for the next few days, he's incredibly nice.
The biggest issue is, I'm starting to have trouble trusting him. Our sex life isn't good because I'm almost scared of him - and in turn, when I won't have sex, it makes him angrier and angrier. It's this horrible cycle and I don't get the feeling he understands that I'm emotionally drained and hurt. All this being said - I parent our children 90% of the time. He sleeps in, doesn't enjoy being with the kids, hates being up at night to help them when they're sick. I take on a lot of the load. But mainly I just want a happy home. I'm so tired of the fighting, and me feeling like I'm worthless. Luckily, I am strong and know I am not.
This isn't the typical case, so I'm not sure if I'm dealing with true emotional abuse or just a rough marriage? It's so hard because there's really nothing I can pin point it to except that I feel horrible after every argument and feel like everything's my fault. It's that gut feeling that this isn't how a marriage is supposed to be - nor how a wife should be treated. I'm just looking for some way to help, or change - or at least live with this in a more positive way.
I appreciate your articles and all the help you've given! Nice to read something that sounds almost exactly like where I'm at.
November 21, 2015 - 5:06pmThis Comment
My fiancé and I agreed to buy a house together, we were not given the full amount by the bank and we had to pay the difference and registration costs. At the time of paying my fiancé asked me to pay and he will pay me back his share. it been three years now he never paid me and he always remind me that the house is registered in my name. he is so mean, soo jealousy. he even made up a story that there is a man I always with when I am at work and when I disagreed with him he beat me up
November 19, 2015 - 12:42amThis Comment