Emotional Abuse: The Invisible Marriage Killer

I have been married for 5 years. I admittedly ignored all of the red flags. My husband before we were married was very persistent, in the beginning he sent several text messages a day, messages about wanting to be with me, be married, this was before our first date. Me and my friend called him 'the texter'. The first phone call we had was normal, he stated we would get together the next week, but I didn't hear back from him. A few months later I received a phone call from him, I asked what had happened to him, the stated he had been out of town (found out later this was a lie); during the phone call he became irate and angry, and later blamed his behavior on being on hydrocodone for a back injury. I didn't speak to him again until a few months later. He was calm and pleasant, we went on our first date, when we were discussing the date, I asked if was going to pick me up, but he stated he did not have a car, I just responded, oh you don't have a car, He responded, "oh what, you don't want to date me because I don't have a car, you think you're better than me" I responded I just asked a question. I picked him up for our first date and it went well, he was pleasant, attentive, we spent the next day at the park and went to see fireworks afterwards, he was so charming, but he pushed for sex right away, and I gave in, because he 'made me feel so special'. From there we started dating, I had a key to his apartment. I saw how he lived, but did not want to be judgmental. I grew up in a small town, went to college, had a nice apartment. He grew up in Gary, In, had been involved in gangs and the street life. He lived like a gypsy, going from place to place, never really settled down, mismatched furniture, sheets for curtains, a very filthy bathroom, he smoked cigarettes, but I did not want to be judgemental of the way he lived. The first time I saw his 'mr.hyde' side I had tried to end the relationship. On a Friday night he had called and left a voicemail that he was going out with his friends, I tried to reach him the next day but he would not answer his phone. A friend of his came by stating that my then boyfriend could be in some trouble. I panicked and called the police about a possible missing person, I was so worried, I called around to the friends I knew (he has other 'friends). I went to our job, we worked for the same company, and was asking if anyone had heard from him, this is when a coworker of mine, pulled me to the side and said I need to talk to you. The coworker told me, my boyfriend had done the same thing to another woman he was romantically involved with, my boyfriend would disappear for days at a time with no word or communication. I was shocked and hurt. I went to his apartment to wait for him, I shows up Monday morning acting like nothing was wrong. I told how worried I had been and about learning he did this to another woman, I said that I would not be treated like that- he went off, he had a cold and evil look in his eyes and cursed me out, I gathered up the few things he had at my place and took them to him, he continued to talk negative to me, blaming me for involving people at the job and was mad that I had called the police. I thought it was over. A few weeks go by and he calls me crying, begging to forgive him, I made the mistake of doing just that, and even went further into stupid land and married him. Before the marriage several disturbing things showed up: women that i did not know messaged me on facebook telling me not to marry him, she knew intimate things about him, I confronted him about this, he denied knowing the woman. Women were sending him naked pictures, He was heavy into pornography, I helped him clean out his apartment before we moved in together and found letters and notes from other woman and they all talked about his talking to them about marriage. I rationalized all this away, "he is different with me" and went ahead an married him. I found out about his marijuana use on our first trip to his home town Gary, Indiana. In the hotel room, he pulled out a huge bag of marijuana and was rolling it up into joints, I went off, I told him how could he do this, he could jeopardize my license if we caught with this, he did not care, he basically just played it off, he does not believe that marijuana is a drug. He was working at the time we were married, but it did not take long for him to be fired for failing to follow a rule at work and he was angry. He lost his job in 2012. I wasn't worried, from his resume he had always worked somewhere, so I was sure he would be back to working in no time. Since then he has 3 or 4 short term jobs and EACH of them he blames the company for either treating him wrong or want him to do something he doesn't want to do. He has had various fantasies of opening a restaurant, having a food truck, becoming a truck driver, going back to school for mechanics, each dream I would try to support, I would start looking of applying for food license, looking for loans for a semi-truck, download training manuals, I never once ridiculed his 'ideas' I told him over and over, I support what ever you want to do. I have completed job applications for him. What does he do? He is an excellent cook, he cooks, but doesn't really clean, he will wash the dishes, clothes sometimes but most of the time just, cooks, watches tv, gets high/smoke, stays in his room all day night. He occasionally "goes out for a drive" he will stay gone for hours, because "he is tired of being cooped up in the house all day" , never crosses his mind that he should be out during the day looking for a job (i don't say this). Thru out our marriage, he would have periods of going off suddenly, blaming me for him not having a job, or that I make him feel like a child because he has to ask for money. He doesn't communicate, he gives me the 'silent treatment' When I see he is visibly upset and I ask him what's wrong, he just looks at me and stalks off. When we talk, he will just cut off the conversation when he doesn't feel like talking anymore, he will just walk away or turn up the volume on the tv and not look at me. He is very angry, when driving he curses and speeds threatening, he likes to watch tv shows that are angry and degrading towards women. I am writing now because he physically attacked me for the first time 2 days ago, he had been grumpy, mean and cold for a few days, and I went to him to ask if there is something I did, he just went off the handle grabbed me and threw me down on the couch and was shaking me and screaming, he charged out punching holes in the wall. I was terrified and called the police. They came but did not arrest him because I did not have any visible wounds. I spent the night in a hotel, he did not call or text until the next day, stating he was sorry. I went home and we 'talked, I mean he dumped all his stored up frustrations with me, that I don't value him, that I don't listen to him or obey his ideas, but he was saying all this in a yelling angry manner , he brought up the fact that i had fixed my car, but not his car. I admit I used some of the money (from my loan) to buy other things for the house, and there was only enough to buy some of the parts to his car. This was over a month ago, at the time I told him we could use my other card to get the parts for his card and at that time he didn't' say anything, when I brought this up, he denied that I ever said this to him. I told him, I can't go back in the past, so let's move forward, tell me how much you need for your parts so I get the money together, he just stalked off angry and upset. A few hours later, I was sitting in my business chair, he walked up behind me and felt very anxious, he said in a low, cold voice, "so you don't love me anymore". I turned around and did not see any love in his eyes. I told him that I was terrified when he attacked me the other day, he just looked at me with a confused look, went on to say he was frustrated, i stated that does not excuse what you did, I stated he is not even truly sorry what he did, he just kept going back to I should not be so upset, this was the first time he did something like this, but it's no big deal, I should not have called the cops, I should know he would never hurt me. I told him what you did DID hurt me, and I told that now i am scared of him, he replied with throwing up his hands "Then why I am here, if you are scared". No apologies, no empathy for what i told him, I told him what he did was abusive and what he is doing now is abusive. I told him that it is never ok to take your frustrations out like he did, that he speaks to me in angry mean ways, I said real love does not act like that, he just looked at me disgusted and just walked away. Now I am hurt, confused, have startle responses at noises, trouble falling asleep afraid he is going to do something to me in my sleep. I want to believe that things are not that bad, I want to own up to my part I play, I don't know what to do from here.

Hello: I have so many things coming to play here. First, I am an adult survivor of childhood-sexual abuse, so I am always doubting myself. I married my husband after a fourteen year hiatus. I so mistrusted my judgment, that I gave up. I had two previous marriages to alcoholics. I knew that since I had never seen a real marriage, I did not know how a real marriage should look. When I met my current husband I thought I had found my perfect husband. He was a Christian, church-goer, and a widower of a fifty year marriage. I had hit the jackpot. We started to date, it was heaven. But I missed the signs. He fell in love right away, he needed to be married. My concerns were that I was fifty three and he was seventy nine. I was black and he was white. I wanted to be sure he understood what he was getting himself into. I told him first and foremost, I was into ministry and it took up a lot of my time, I was a prayer warrior. And, he would never know his friends and family until he started dating someone from another race. Especially in his age group. We discussed these things at length. He assured me he wanted to continue the relationship. I relaxed to enjoy the ride. Well, his family found out about me, disowned him, put him out of his house and has not spoken to him since. We since have been married two years. I have never met his son or grand-kids. His sister is the only person that has acted human towards me. Now, on to our relationship. Right after our marriage, he started that man as king stuff. "Me, Tarzan, You, Footstool." He would demand his meals at a special time. He said he had always eaten at 5 pm and not a minute less. Once, I was talking on the phone while I fixed dinner, he snatched the phone from my hand and yelled , "This is why you can't get my dinner on the table on time." I laughed in his face. Now there is something I neglected to tell you, since I always felt less than perfect, I have always taken the hardest jobs possible. I have been a police officer, carpenter, kitchen designer, newspaper dist. So, dealing with a hostile man was not a problem He just threw me for a loop, it was unexpected. I was not his slave. After this, we had several more run-ins. He always gets up at 5 am. I don't always get up with him. One morning, he came into our bedroom, snatched the covers off of me, pinned my arm behind me and demanded I get out of bed. That was the last straw. I jumped out of the bed, knocked everything off the dresser, and demanded he leave or I would call the police. I packed the car and sent him to his son's house. It was not two days later that he called crying that his son did not want him there and he did not have anywhere else to go. I told him I would only let him come back if we went to Christian counseling. I made the appointment, we went -- once. Since the one time of physical abuse, he has only be verbally abusive. Any time I find something I want to do; such as a new building project, he will put me down and call me stupid or list the reasons my ideas won't work. I have epilepsy and can't work, so I have been looking for something I can do from home. I like gardening, so I want to increase this idea to organic and sale-able quantities. He has listed in many ways how stupid my idea is and how it will not work. He says all people that think organic is safe are stupid, it is just a way to charge more money. I recognize he is a little boy afraid of losing his mommy's attention. But, it is hard for me to have the constant put-downs. Because of my past abuse, I constantly doubt myself, abilities and outcomes. I don't need to have my, so-called partner confirming my doubt. He is a hard worker, and I realize some of his fear is from his age and the fear of not having money. I have not been able to get disability so we live off of his retirement, even though my doctors have all said I should not be working. I do realize I am making excuses for him, the classic victim position, "I love him, I need him, he didn't mean it, he can change, damn, he did it again." I used to be a police officer for goodness sake. Thanks for listening. Blessings

I consider myself to be a fairly intelligent and professional woman. But my estranged husband began emotionally abusing me on our wedding day when he grabbed the back of my neck while we were cutting our cake and whispered that he would smash my entire face in the plate of cake I held in my hand if I smashed the small piece I held in his face. (he had smashed the cake the night before in my face putting icing in my eyes). I was not raised in an emotionally abusive home, but I was raised to trust and love people. It was that trust and love that got me into trouble. I never realized what he was doing to me because I believed and trusted him. Let me begin by describing this man in my words—He is a practiced liar and master manipulator. My estranged husband let me know almost daily how STUPID I was and that the movies I watched were actually just like real life. He even looked me directly in the eyes (which I now know to be a red flag for a “lie”) and told me that he was not in jail for a year before I met him but that the authorities had recognized his outstanding marksmanship skills, recruited him to become a mercenary and sent him to different countries. He cried real tears when he told me that he had killed people. Shortly after this, he gave me a smoothie that tasted more like vicodin than it did like the fruit that it was made with. It was shortly after this that I met my attorney, who helped me eventually leave the marital home. I believe I was being poisoned regularly with drugs as I had blurred vision, I trembled, I had difficulty sleeping (3-4 hours a night for months), I had lost approximately 40 pounds, I was extremely thirsty, although I drank and drank water and Gatorade all the time, the skin inside my mouth was peeling regularly, My nails started to curl up on the ends, food turned my stomach and often made me sick, I was unable to swallow pills. Anyway, none of the blood work I had at this time tested for the drugs so it’s too late to determine whether or not he was actually doing this. However, he had talked me into changing my $150k life insurance to $400k and canceling my other $150k insurance policy. Only I found out in September last year, he never canceled but paid the second $150k insurance policy. My estranged husband’s girlfriend is now dead and left him a million dollars. I was still living in the marital home when she was killed. I only left the marital residence after spending the prior night believing he was sleeping with an AR45 (I don’t really know guns) under his blanket. The police called me the next day to tell me that they were searching her townhouse and that it may not be safe for me to return home because he would possibly know I had talked to them. They told me I would be able to get my poodle babies from the house if I didn’t go back home because they would be doing a search of our house within 4 days and I could re-enter and get anything I wanted at that time. The police finally searched the marital residence last month (a year after they told me). He has my baby poodles along with everything we acquired together during our 25 year marriage. He is claiming abandonment and there are days when I am so confused and reeling, my attorney can’t get his attorney to cooperate, he is lying on the interrogatories and has been hiding all the income from the trucking company we had together. I don’t know how to get any of this information and it appears that I may be turning over my baby poodles, my retirement savings, all my treasures, pictures and household items to this man. It isn’t fair, that this should and can happen but it is. God has been good, I was able to finally find a job albeit a temporary position in another state that pays almost twice what I was paid before. I am renting a place that not only has furniture but linens and dishes and is fully decorated. My car is falling apart with 138k miles on it. When I married him, I had two cars fully paid for that together didn’t have as many miles as the one I’m driving now and never had one with as many problems as the one I am now driving. He now enjoys all the marital items attained in “his” home. He has purchased a second car, a Harley Davidson motorcycle, and an old RV and fixed it up. I probably need to mention that I am not entitled to any of his inheritance.
The police tell me they believe he is a person or the only person of interest, but they have told me so many lies that some days I believe he has manipulated them into believing that I may have had something to do with her murder. I am so twisted and reeling from the emotional abuse, the thought that he could have done this to a person, to not having my baby poodles, or any of my belongings. Some nights are so hard that I just sob. I have only missed one day of work which was a “vacation” day to appear in Court, where I lost the hearing for a protective order after the smoothie incident. The media wants me to talk to them. I want to help others who are in my position to bring to light what is happening to them, but I’m too afraid. If I do, I believe he will retaliate. I empathize with her family needing closure for her murder but I cannot help them with that.
How do I start to heal from this emotional abuse and roller coaster? In this new place, I have no friends, how do you make friends with the baggage I have?

it feels like i just woke up from a coma after 12 years. I used to write his words down... i knew they were bad but his words became my words. it started with our first Christmas together. i was wrapping presents and doing a terrible job. he started laughing, said i didnt do anything right. i didnt cook right, didnt dress right, didnt wear make up. after that i became the bad welfare mother he would never take parenting advice from. The night he said that, i cried all night and he sat there and watched. The next morning i was exhausted, red eyed and swollen, i took the kids to school and came back and cried some more asking him why he thought so badly of me why he was with me. he told me he never said it. it didnt make sense to me, nothing made sense. i started seeing everything through his eyes. he attacked everyone i got close to and i started seeing them as a threat too. He told me, look at the way people are looking at you and I did. They were looking at me the way he was looking at me. I was sure of it. I stopped talking to people, i stopped talking to them mostly because I couldnt explain in my words what he was doing because i had his words in my head. Every time I left him, i was drowning in the misery of his lies. it is only now that I remembered the fear he put in me, how when I started talking to a friend I had isolated myself from, my heart beat out my chest when he found out and I never understood why. At one point i even called a friend to tell him not to post on my status because it would make him mad. I remember now, all of the words other people have said to me, you put up such a fascade... how do you do it? You're in pain and you dont even act like it. You should be screaming at him, it's your life... why aren't you angry? I wasnt angry... i was confused. I was numb with grief. I was silently drowning. I could never understand how my friends could hold me while I cried but he couldn't. That's not true, he held me while I cried about the people i felt completely isolated from, asking me ,"Do you want me to beat them up for hurting you?" I literally had flashbacks about the things people would say, "What's the matter with you?" I told you that you were bad? "why don't you want to sit by me?" is there something wrong with me that you wouldn't want to sit by me? All of which confirmed everything he said about me, that there was something wrong with me. I remember all of it, all of the nasty things he ever said to me, did to me and I wonder how long it will stay with me? I also wonder after I leave him when the numbness will come and then the pain, the drowning...I remember I used to watch and wait for his lips to thin out, tried to prevent it with everything i had inside of me because I knew what it meant. It meant that those bad words were coming but would it mean that this time he would ridicule me like a child, point his finger in my face like last time, what name would he call me this time. The worst part is that my daughter will grow up and find a man just like him and he's gonna make her cry and he's gonna steal her joy and her hope and she's gonna wonder why she wants to die.
i just wish he would have just hit me, atleast then I could have found the right words to explain what was happening to me. I tried to tell people but I didnt know how... i couldnt explain it... all i ever said was he was mean or he doesnt contribute... he's bad with money...or he mistreats me financially because I was trying to make sense of it by looking at his actions but i never thought about the words. I remember when i would pray out in pain, I knew in my heart God was trying to tell me something. All I heard was, finish your book, finish it... what you are looking for are in the words.
I remember when i first move to Texas, God was stronger. i would look at signs find words, put them in my book. And I heard God again. The words are every where.. now that i know and have found the right words... i want to shout it from the roof tops... I'm not crazy.