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21 year old mom with no sex drive

By November 9, 2009 - 8:59am
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I'm 21 and the mother of a 18 month old energetic son.
My fiance and I have been together for 4 years and we used to have sex all the time. Usually once a day. Since being pregnant and having my son we've cut it down to having sex once a week, sometimes once every two, if we're lucky. I'm never in the mood for love making anymore and I just cant climax unless im manually stimulated.
I stay moist and its not painful when we do have sex, and I enjoy it most of the time, but even when we are having sex I cant stay 100% focused. How can I get back to the carefree ways when I loved to be intimate with my fiance.
I'm wonderng if anyone else has these issues.

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Susan gave you some great advice and information.

Fatigue from working a 24 hour job everyday (plus a paying job if you are not a SAHM) can certainly take its toll on you and sex may very well be the last thing on your mind. Do you and your fiance ever get a day to yourselves? If not, maybe you would consider having a date night once a week even if you just stay home and have some drinks or watch a movie together. Have a relative or someone you trust watch your little guy for a couple of hours while you and your fiance catch up, relax, and can be intimate without any stress.

It seems as though you are not able to relax and stay in the moment because there is something in the back of your mind-- whether it be home related, work related, or related to your toddler. Try to clear the mind before engaging in sex-- make sure everything is in order, the baby is being looked after or sleeping safely in bed and forget everything and everyone else-- just enjoy the sex.

Hope this helps and like Susan said, you may want to have your thyroid checked out as well as blood work because these may reveal any unwarranted remnants of having a child. Good Luck!

November 10, 2009 - 6:37am
HERWriter Guide

Dear Amanda

Thanks for your question and welcome!

Congratulations on your son! Having a baby takes a toll on sex drive for a variety of reasons. One is the hormonal shift that happens, another is that breastfeeding can decrease our sex drive (due in part to the prolactin that is produced) and also provides a lot of touch (from the baby) so we often feel like we have plenty of physical contact (sometimes too much!) and feel a little "all touched out" by the end of the day. Fatigue also plays a huge part, as does recovery from childbirth and the post partum shift.

But since your son is a toddler now, you should be able to get back on track. You need to make time for your partner and schedule time away from your son that you can devote to your fiance.

Don't worry too much about how you orgasm. Too many women think that it's nearly mandatory to orgasm during intercourse when the fact is that most women orgasm during foreplay. We're not built like men and our bodies don't work like men. It doesn't matter how or when you orgasm, as long as you do! Orgasm is certainly possible during sex but in general, clitoral stimulation is easier and more comfortable during foreplay (or afterplay). Seeing women screaming their heads off during intercourse in the movies (due to orgasm) isn't altogether realistic.

You also may want to have your hormone levels checked and your thyroid checked. Pregnancy can play havoc with a woman's thyroid levels which can in turn affect her sex drive. The same with hormones.

And a lot of woman have these issues after having a child so rest assured that it's "normal" in that sense. You can absolutely get back on track.

It sounds like you like your life, and love your son and fiance so it's not an emotional or mental issue. Make an appointment to have some blood work done to see if the problem lies within this area and by process of elimination, you'll figure it out. And if your blood work and levels all seem fine, it's ok - we're here to help you out further.

Will you update us and let us know your progress?

November 9, 2009 - 1:13pm
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