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does it make me stupid if i want to take him back?

By December 18, 2015 - 3:19am
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i had an argument with my boyfriend whom i have spent 5 years with. we've been in an emotional roller coaster recently which led to a separation of about 3 months but we kind of got back together until last week when i received a call from his other girlfriend telling me to stop texting him with a confirmation from himself! i was quite shocked yet not so suprised because i knew he was moving out with some other girl when we got separated and i suspected that he still had something going on with her even after we started talking again and him claiming that they no longer talk. so, here i am, in a dilemma, a part of me is telling me to fight for what we had and not let someone destroy it jus like that and a part of me is telling me to let go. what's really holding me back is that we have been together for a long time now and in that time we have had a number of arguments where i have been in the wrong but he would still come back to me. we know each others flaws and we've been through a lot of tests but we still found a way back to each other and we are like lovers and best friends at the same time so i feel its just another storm and i should fight for it. BUT then sometimes i feel i should just give it up and move on with my life. i really need some advise, coz i kind of feel stupid having this feeling of wanting him back after all that has happened, HELP PLIZ...

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Okay, first of all let me point out that you have been a "girlfriend" of a guy for five years who then cheated on you and is continuing to do so. He is the one cheating, but if the girlfriend was aware of it, so is she. However, from you stating that she told you to stop texting, she was completely unaware of this fact.

Personally i understand the hesitance to make things official as my husband and i have dated for three years before we tied the knot as you would say, but that wasn't from his lack of trying or proposals. If this man really loved you:

1. he would have at least asked you to marry him by now
2. He would never have even looked at another girl in a potential girlfriend
3. He would fight for you, not the other way around.

So, here is my advice to you (and it worked for me) move on. be totally and mentally prepared that it won't happen again. you will never be more than maybe friends. let it sink in, date, get your own place, ect. if he fights for you, it will be on your terms whether you want that or not. Be prepared to date someone who does think the world of you and would fight for you. and if you find this guy out there for you, don't risk him for an old toy.

now when i say it worked for me, my husband and i when we were dating hit a real ruff patch and were separated for about a month. We moved out (my baby and i) and i was six months pregnant. I found a job, an apartment, my own support system and moved on. I didn't date as the pregnancy would be a huge complication and it wouldn't be good for my kids. I knew he would be in their lives, so i gave him a private number to call and see his son. then one day he called, i met him at a local restaurant and got down on his knees and begged me for a second chance and swore to me that he would change. I took him back and never regretted that choice.

Your man though, has not fought for you but is enjoying this game of you and his other gf fighting over him. don't give him the satisfaction.

best wishes,

December 21, 2015 - 11:56pm
HERWriter Guide

Hi tanysa

Thanks for your post!

Firstly, you're not stupid for wanting him back. You love him, despite what he is doing to you. I suspect your self-esteem is on the low side, to think that he deserves you - he doesn't.

It doesn't matter if you were with him for 5 months, 5 years or 25 years. He has chosen another woman over you and is enjoying the game of texting you (along with his new woman) and making you feel awful. This isn't love, he doesn't love you and that is a hard pill to swallow.

One more thing - your issue is not with this other woman. Your issue is with him. She did not make a commitment to you, she made no promises and she isn't cheating. Your ex is.

You wrote " a part of me is telling me to fight for what we had and not let someone destroy it jus like that and a part of me is telling me to let go. " Is that someone this woman? Because she is not destroying anyone, your ex is. He destroyed your relationship. You are fighting for a man that doesn't love you and treats you badly. You are worth more than that. Don't look on these 5 years as a reason to stay. It's better than 6 years of this right? And you had lots of good times and good memories. And you learned a lot.

Relationships that are emotional rollercoasters are NOT good. They do NOT make you stronger as a couple - they end up being miserable, full of drama and nonsense. Don't feed into this. He's not your lover or your best friend anymore. Take time to work on that and then see where life leads you.

But it's over. Remain dignified - don't engage with either of them anymore. They probably love the drama. You texting and hoping to get back with this person who has moved on is beneath you. You need to know when something is done and this is done. Walk away with your head held high and don't worry about this other woman. She's going to get the same treatment sooner than she thinks.


December 18, 2015 - 7:44am
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