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By EmpowHER February 9, 2008 - 8:11am
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You are right, Kelley - there really is no 'normal' anything when it comes to sex.

A Newsweek article relates that, according to a 2002 study by the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago.
"The statistical evidence would seem to show everything is fine. Married couples say they have sex 68.5 times a year, or slightly more than once aweek, and the numbers haven't changed much over the past 10 years. And at least according to what people tell researchers, couples who could be classified as Duel Income, No Sex (DINS) are most likely an urban myth: working women appear to have sex just as often as their stay-at-home counterparts. And married people have 6.9 more sexual encounters a year than people who have never been married."

So it would appear that you are doing pretty well for yourself!

I think we all know that our sex drive ebbs and flows. Most women go from looking at our partners with passion to preferring the 'best friends who snuggle' thing at other times.

Our bodies and our hormones have a huge part in this. A woman in her first trimester may be too nauseous, exhausted and afraid of miscarriage (even if that fear is unfounded) to want to have sex. Their second trimester can see an increase in sex drive and the last month can often see a complete elimination of sexual desire.

Breastfeeding plays a major role in sexual desire. For women who nurse on demand, they may have a child at the breast for up to 12 hours in a 24 hour period. She may feel "all touched out" and want her body to herself when not nursing. She may not want her husband touching her breasts when she is breastfeeding (very common) and may be getting all her emotional needs met by the baby.

When children are young and women spend their days mothering, working at demanding jobs and generally leading incredibly busy lives, the last thing she wants when she falls into bed at midnight is to get it on! Sleep seems to take priority.

If women don't have children, they may instead work 80 hour weeks or be involved in community events that sometimes take over their lives. Menopause changes a woman's body chemistry and her desire too.

If having sex three times a week works, then it works. If having sex once a month works, then great.

What's key is that it works for BOTH partners. As long as both are feeling sexually fulfilled, then 'normal' is what makes both people happy. When one person has a much higher sex drive than the partner, it can lead to problems and they need to find a solution that works for both of them.

You can tell your partner what you like and what you don't, as long as you do it nicely and make it fun. No man wants to feel inadequate and men want to please their women. Have sex in rooms that aren't for sleep on occasion. Try the kitchen, the dining room or the basement. Don't plan it, let it happen. Say yes more, and don't think of all the reasons to say no. If men are doing the right thing, what women will say no to an orgasm? So be proactive. Take over once in a while. Try different positions. Have sex when your children are taking an afternoon nap and do it in your home office. Watch a sexy movie if that works for you both and dress in something that'll turn both of you on.

Tell him to wear the cologne you like, encourage him to keep in shape (sex burns calories, you know!). Send him a text message telling him what he has to look forward to when he comes home. He might even arrive home early - with flowers!

Do you ever read the covers of high fashion mags? "125 ways to drive your man wild!" "84 must-do things to please your man!" And "Make your man go crazy in bed - NOW!!!" Who are they kidding? Just tell him you aren't wearing underwear and he'll be breaking out the champagne while swearing his undying love for you. It's not that complicated. And who makes up those numbers anyway? You mean there aren't 83 must-do things I have to do to make my man wild for me? If I miss that one thing you added, will he run off with my best friend?

So at the risk of sounding like some editor of a glossy magazine - keep it fun, keep it different and keep it between the two of you. And as long as you both get great sex, it's all normal!

PS - about those studies and statistics - we're not all - um - honest when it comes to sex. You may want to bear that in mind!

February 10, 2008 - 1:50pm
(reply to Susan Cody)

Thanks Susanc, great advice. I will keep focusing on quality not quantity as well as work to make one of our encounters each week a gourmet night of love.



February 11, 2008 - 8:51pm

This is such an important topic and one that is typically only discussed with your closest girl friends over drinks. I have been happily married for over 17 years. That being said I feel like I get caught up in the constant back and forth where my husband wants to have sex much more than I do. I love my husband and find him very attractive but with my career, family and daily stresses of life, at the end of the day what makes me happy is curling up with a book or watching TV in bed. Don't get me wrong I love and enjoy sex very much but just find that I don't want it as often as my husband. As I talk with my other girlfriends I find they all feel the same way. I have since had my hormones checked to make sure they were not the reason for my lack of libido and have checked out to be OK. I am now working on slowing down a bit, and trying to put a little more effort and thought into this activity(my sex life).

I would like to know if there are any other women out there like me and if you have any suggestions for ways to put a little more excitement into your love life.

Additionally, my husband and I have sex about 2 to 3 times a week, I would be curious to know if that is normal or above normal. I realize that I should not worry about "normal" but I can't help but wonder if our activity is average (or below or above) If any one can help sheds some light on this, I would love to see your post.

February 10, 2008 - 11:39am
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