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His lack of interest in sex

By July 31, 2009 - 7:12am
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I have been seeing a man for a year and a half. He is 57 I am 49. I live at his house during the week, it is closer to work. We work at the same place. When we first got together we had sex once or twice a week. Now a couple of weeks will go by with nothing. He will participate if I iniciate but he seldom starts anything. He is otherwise very attentive to me. We snuggle in the evening, cuddle all night sleeping. He goes out of his way to do nice things for me. I really could not ask for someone to be more generous or show his love for me more than he does. He likes to cook and makes sure I have a good lunch everyday as well as nice dinners. The lack of sex makes me feel unattractive yet when we are together he is always touching me in passing or tickeling me or playing in some form, even when we do have sex and it is initiated by him it is in a playful manner. I have asked him why we seldom have sex and he gets kind of defensive and says usually he is tired or he really doesn't know why and it is not me. He said he finds me attractive and that he doesn't mean to hurt me in any way and that I should be patient and things will work themselves out. I have tried to tell myself that the sex part of this relationship is not all that important but after a couple of weeks the bad feelings I have start all over. I don't know what to do with this situation, I do love him and for the most part all other aspects of our relationship are good and are actually improving over time. He is not a real good communicator verbally but shows me most of what he feels. I think trust is a big factor for him as his marriage and a long term relationship both ended with cheating. I wonder if sex has always been a problem for him. I do think we have alot going for this relationship but need some guidance on how to correct or get past this hurdle. Any advice you have to offer would be greatly appreciated, any advice from the guys would be valuable.

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Thank you for your reply. The quality of sex is great. He will usually participate if I initiate it. I just start to feel less desirable when I have to do all the initiating. In his other relationships the women cheated on him. I am also alot more open with my feelings both physically and verbally. He is not. Thats part of where my frustration comes in. I know by his actions that he really cares for me. I sometimes feel like he really dosen't know what to do with me, I am very unlike his past relationships. In the past the women he was with took advantage of him, his kindness as well as his wallet and I don't believe in either. When we sleep he is the one who will always snuggle with me and will move around so that he is always touching me in some way during the night. When we relax in the evening he will lay on the couch with his head in my lap. He has so many good qualities that I don't want to abandon this relationship. I do notice that anytime we start to get intimate or evening kissing and hugging goodby gets to intense he will break the mood with tickeling me or doing something silly. He has never said I love you but his actions say it. He did not have a good relationship with his mother and I think intimacy scares him. I have never been in a relationship with someone like this and I am not sure how to handle any of it. My last relationship was with an alcoholic and I spent over a year putting my life in order before I ever even started dating. I have matured greatly and am trying new things in this relationship and am on really unfamiliar ground. I am learning to let people be who they are and love them for that but it gets really confusing. Thank you for letting me ramble. I don't have anyone to tell this stuff to. I work with this man and one of my close friends also works here and I would never compromise him to anyone so I have noone to really talk to about this issue and it is very personal and private. thanks

August 4, 2009 - 7:06am
HERWriter Guide

Dear Jean1

Thanks so much for your question and welcome!

Quite frankly, your relationship sounds really good, you are a lucky woman!

Some men (not all) do slow down sexually, with age. As he is nearing 60, this may be what is happening to him. By what you have said, I am going to assume that the quality of sex is fine - it's the quantity? In other words, a medication like Viagra isn't going to help. Will you let me know if I'm not correct in this assumption? He may be dealing with impotence and is embarrassed to tell you.

Are you having sex about every other week? Honestly, that's not too bad for a man nearing 60 but if you woould like sex more, then of course it's a bit of a problem. You can't 'make' your man want to have sex more but I do think your mentioning that sex may have always been a problem could be key here. You could try to broach the subject with him - find out if he is naturally slowing with age (men lose testosterone as they get older, it's called Andropause or "male menopause") or if he has always been less active sexually.

And bear in mind that he may only want sex every couple of weeks. This is perfectly fine and normal, but it's not fine when one partner wants it more.

What about foreplay for you? Would you be ok with a lot more 'fooling around', that didn't include penitrative sex? At least not with a penis? If he were agreable, would that work for you?

This is a very sensitive subject for people so you need a very gentle approach, especially to a guy who is otherwise a really sweet man who treats you very well.

One more question for you - his other two significant relationships that had infideltiy - was he the cheater or was he cheated on?

Jean, please update me a little more (sorry for all the questions!) as we'd love to continue to sort this out with you!

In the meantime, this topic is very hot here on Empowher! There are many women who have posed this question with us but here is one of the busiest threads - you can read it, and other women's experiences here : http://www.empowher.com/community/ask/why-doesnt-my-boyfriend-want-have-sex-me-anymore

Let me know if reading this helps you out in anyway and we look forward to hearing more from you.

August 3, 2009 - 12:30pm
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