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Husband lost sexual interest

By Anonymous September 27, 2011 - 11:56pm
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I'm 30 years old and have been married for the last 3 years. We had been dating with my husband (31 years old) for 7 years before marriage, but we did not want to get married as we were both studying. Once we got married we moved to our house and everything was perfect. My husband was very attentive, interested in me and romantic.

Once I had reached 29, I statred discussing with him about the possibility of having a child. At first he was fine, but then he did not want a child yet. I was really frustrated and had some period that I was really sad and I was questioning his love about me.

One day he left the house and went to live with his parents. He came back 2 days later, just to leave again 4 days later. This time he was living with his for 2 months. At first I was devastated, but then I managed to pull myself together. We were meeting 1-2 times per week at first, and then every day. During the last month, I was leaving him make the first move to meet, as I did not want to feel that I was pushing him.

We are now back together (for the last 1.5 week) but my concern is that he has changed completely. He doesn't want to touch or kiss me. We haven't had sex for the last 2.5 months. I feel left out and although he states that he loves me (only when I ask him), I always get the feeling that he is back because he is feeling sorry for me or because he is afraid of saying he doesn't love me. I have told him many times that I want to be with him, but it is important that HE wants this as well... Everytime I say this he tells me that he coming back should say a lot to me. But is this enough? Is coming back but be like a roomate enough? Should I give him more time? I have asked him many times to get help (couples therapists, separated sessions with different psychologists, etc.) but when I do so he gets upset and refuses. Can you please help me? I love him but I hate seeing us like this.

Thank you in advance,

P.S.: I do not believe he is having an affair as most of the time he is at home, but I am suspecting he might be having skype conferences with other girls...

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EmpowHER Guest

Once again thank you all for your replies :)

When he says he wants to live abroad he then turns to me and says that he wants me to go with him. An important step is that he planned to see a psychologist this week. When I try to talk to him he starts crying saying that if I do believe all the thinks that I am suspecting (having an affair, cyber sex, etc.) then he doesn't deserve me. Does cyber sex become an addiction, and if yes, how can I help him get through this? Does cyber sex imply some kind anomaly?

Thanks - Helen

October 5, 2011 - 12:43am
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Helen

Cyber sex can quickly become addictive for some men (or women).

He needs to discuss this with his therapist. It sounds like your husband may actually be in the midst of a pretty serious breakdown.

If it's possible for you to also talk to the therapist, I think that's a very good idea.

Keep us posted,

October 5, 2011 - 9:49am
EmpowHER Guest

My opinion is
- Do not plan for kids when he is not ready. Unnecessarily you are bringing some other innocent human into this marriage problems. If this leads to a separation then the kid will suffer from having no father. Kids needs both parental support.
- You need to take Mort Fertel Marriage Fitness Program and see the changes in your marriage life.
- If he talks to other girls it is ok but if he is talking to only one girl then he might be into an emotional affair you need to watch out.
- When he was away from you, you do not know with which female he was engaged in and not sure what is going on....However marriage fitness program helps you out.

October 4, 2011 - 7:57am

Hi Susan,

thank you very much for your prompt reply. Having a baby at this time is not in my list as my main priority now is to try and sort this out (either one way or another). When we discussed about having babies he stated that he was married because he wants to have kids, but not at this time.

Now regarding sex, before he came home we had discussed and agreed that there will be an adjusting period as it was a big shock for both of us. But I feel much pain when I see him not wanting to touch or kiss me. I asked him about the reason he does not want to have sex and he told me that he just not feel emotionally well, so he cannot do that. He says that "it is not me, it's him" to blame and that he needs some time to try and sort things out about himself. Yesterday he announced to me that he wants to go and live abroad.

During the last months he goes to the gyme 3 times / week (which was doing that anyway), but now he takes protein shakes, etc. and is much interested on his body appearance. I am suspecting he has something similar to "mid life crisis" (girls, appearance, attitude), but on the other hand isn't he a bit young for this?

Thank you in advance for your support, your help is much appreciated!


September 28, 2011 - 10:22pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to elena1981)

Hi Helen,

Sometimes, an increase interest in fitness and appearance can be a sign that he is having an affair. It's something to think about, I'm not suggesting it's true. But men who have had affairs admit to taking extra care over their appearance during the affair than forehand.

If he is making grand announcements like going to live abroad - what does he mean by this exactly? Does he have an actual plan? Are you invited, or is he just spouting off?

I do believe that he has another life that you do not know about, Helen, and you need to find out. Hire a private investigator if you have to, but something is going on.

Please keep us updated,

October 4, 2011 - 9:11am
HERWriter Guide

Hi Helen

Thank you for your post and I'm sorry your relationship is in trouble.

Your husband doesn't seem like his heart is in the relationship at the moment. If he will not have sex with you and refuses any kind of discussion or therapy, you're in a really hard place.

There is also the possibility that he has no intention of having a child. If you do have sex with him before things get sorted, don't get pregnant thinking this will make everything better; it'll probably make everything worse and you may end up a single mom with no support. Babies are not bandaids for bad marriages.

We have had many women say that there is no way their husbands could cheat because they are home so much only to come back and say they found out that there was actually another woman or several women. Additionally, if he is skyping with other women, he may be having "internet sex" with them or at least having emotional affairs. It's a pity he is having Internet sessions with other women and not communicating with you.

I think you know when you ask us if him being a room-mate is enough that it is not. You are married, not room-mates. Something is very wrong and he wants to live his life in the same house but not "with" you in any real sense. If you can put up with this, then live this way but I don't think it'll make you happy.

Right now something is going on that you are not being told about - either affairs (actual or emotional), possibly a lot of porn and no real relationship with you at all. The fact that he came back after some kind of marriage "hiatus" doesn't say much at all since he is not having any kind of relationship with you, sexual or emotional.

Have you asked him point blank why he is not having sex with you? If so, what has he said? Without open communication and therapy, this relationship will not work because it takes two people to make any marriage work.

September 28, 2011 - 11:27am
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