I AM THE ONE, BOYFRIEND NO SEX. THINGS GOT BETTER, NOW OVER NIGHT HE IS COLD AND NEEDS TIME TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HE WANTS IN LIFE. WE HAVE BEEN OVER THIS BEFORE
I LOVE TIM TO DEATH. WHEN WE ARE GETTING ALONG I AM PRODUCTIVE, HEALTHY & HAPPY. WHEN WE FIGHT AND HE DRIVES ME TO MAKE HIM LEAVE OR HE DECIDES TO MOVE BACK TO DADS HOUSE, I GO ALL TO PIECES AND I WONT DO ANYTHING. I DECIDED LAST TIME HE MOVED BACK IN 3 MO. AGO TO ACCEPT HIM FOR HIM. EX: DONT STRESS HIM ABOUT SEX LET HIM SLEEP IN, I PAY BILLS, NOW YOU THINK I AM STUPID. EVEN MY FRIENDS AGREE THAT HEIS BETTER OFF LIVING WITH ME AND I AM NOT SO DESTRUCTIVE. HIS FRIENDS MOM DIED AND I THINK HE GOT A JOB OFFER LIVING AT THERE CAMP CABIN RV PARK FOR FREE TRADING MAINTANCE WORK. MORE OR LESS HE HAS FOUND SOMETHING BETTER. HE WONT HAVE TO DEAL W/ MY SEVEN YR OLD AN HE CAN BE FREE. ALL THIS IS AN ASSUMPTION . I LOVE HIM. HE WONT TELL ME WHT IS WRONG, HE JUST GOES TO THE OTHER ROOM. I THINK HE WANTS TO LEAVE. HELP PLEASE OR CAN IBE HIS SUBSTANCE ABUSE PROBLEM. I AM NOT IN DANGER. BUT HE HAS HIS PASSION.
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You sound like you have a lot of issues going on in your life, and we would highly recommend talking with a therapist about your situation. Some of your sentences concern me:
- "...he drives me to make him leave..."
-"...I go all to pieces..."
- "...better off living with me, and I am not so destructive".
-"...he won't have to deal with my 7 year old."
-"...he can be free."
I won't even mention the substance abuse problem that you mentioned at the end, as an aside.
These phrases that you use do not make you sound "stupid" at all (as you said), but they do cause me to pause and wonder if there is some co-dependent relationship going on here. This does not sound like the stuff a healthy relationship is made of, but one of mutually pushing the other away, pulling them back, "making him" do something, "making you" do something.
I am glad that you are not in danger, but how is your 7 year old doing in this situation? Living with someone that doesn't have to "deal" with him or her? You aren't as "destructive" when your boyfriend is living with you...what does this mean, and how does it effect your 7 year old?
Please seek therapy as soon as you can, to work through these issues and learn what a healthy relationship is, for both you and your 7 year old.
Anon,
I am so sorry that your world is so difficult right now. We all have time when things seem to be out of our control, and it sounds like this is one of those times for you.
Here's the thing: The only thing you can control is you, and, to a point, your 7-year-old son. You can't control your boyfriend. If he wants to leave, he will, and if he doesn't want to be honest about his reasons, he won't. Nothing you say or change about yourself will affect him if he doesn't want it to. It's a hard lesson that I had to learn at an early age as well.
But you CAN control you, and your own responses to this. You have a son whom you love. When you think you are about to "go to pieces," focus on him. You are right -- living in a house where there is conflict and perhaps a substance abuse problem is just not good for him, now or in the way it will affect his future.
Alison gave you wonderful advice. Can you see a therapist or a counselor, even for a short while? It is so helpful for someone to listen to us and help us work through a rough time. Also, there are different styles of therapists -- you want one who talks back and offers insight -- not just one who listens. Don't be afraid to ask what someone's style is before you make a first appointment.
Is this a possibility for you, Anon?
If not, what is your boyfriend's substance abuse issue? If it is alcohol or drugs, you can find support at Al-Anon, a group for family members and friends of alcoholics. It is free, and confidential. You can find one where you live by going to this page:
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html
Please come back and let us know what's happening with you.