Facebook Pixel

I'm 19, he's 22. Our sex life was great, but then out of the blue it went south and got thrown into the trunk of a Cadillac.

By July 15, 2009 - 2:05am
Rate This

I am a 19 year old female who will be starting her fourth year as a Physics major at a local college. I plan on getting my doctorate by the time I am 23. In saying this, I hope to establish some credibility with the readers of this post. I have my head on straight, I am very goal oriented, and I normally do not let things get to me. I am very much the type to take the blow and move on. With that said, let us get into the juicy stuff.

My boyfriend (currently 22 years old) and I have been dating for over two years now. I received a promise ring 6 months into the relationship (a very nice three stone design, I might add) and that is when we decided to move in together... but therein also lies the problem. This is also around the time when my sex life started to slowly go down hill. It went from once or twice a day to three times a week. I was perfectly okay with this since it was the amount all of the other couples around me seemed to be at. Then it quickly dropped down to once a week, then once every two weeks, then once a month. I got every excuse in the book; "My head hurts." "I'm tired." "I'm hungry." "I just ate." "I don't feel good." "I'm too uncomfortable." When my feelings went from understanding to hurt and my requests turned into pleads, he would make sure he was doing something at all times until late in the night and I would finally just give into sleep. The lowest blow I got was on our one year. I took him out to the nicest restaurant in our city and I made sure the night was as magical as could be. I bought new clothes, new sexy undergarments... the works. I even whispered in his ear what was waiting for him and gave him a small peek. He seemed excited at the time... or so I thought. We got home, sat down and relaxed, watched a little Deadliest Catch, and to my excitement he stated that it was time to "go to bed". I practically jumped off of the couch, but did my best not to seem to eager. We went upstairs, he got undressed, laid down, and then proceeded to go to sleep before I even had my shirt all of the way unbuttoned. I felt worthless and rejected. Even my parents had sex on their anniversary. My mother was 60 for Pete's sake and my father wasn't too much younger!

The next day I was withdrawn and he finally managed to coax out of me what was wrong. I ended up crying, telling him that it hurt my feelings that he did not want to have sex with me anymore and I felt unwanted and unattractive. He just stared at me and told me that it worried him that sex was so important to me. Yes, at 18 sex was important to me. And at 19 it still is. In my mind it should be important to a man in his early 20's as well. I asked to sleep in different rooms that night.

After that I tried talking about it with him a few more times but I only got cold and short answers. Enough was enough for me. After about 8 months of getting sex maybe once a month, I told him that I was done. I was 19, my eyes were starting to wander, and I did not want to resort to having an affair. So I left and started dating. I dated men my age, I dated men twice my age, and I dated men whom I would have never given a second glance before. But every day got worse instead of better and I could not alleviate the sinking feeling in my gut . All that I could think was "what if". What if I was being cold hearted? Insensitive? How could I just leave him? Just because he would not talk or go to counseling does not mean that there isn't something wrong. So we ended up reuniting after a 2 month break and sex was great. For the first month or so. And again it started to taper and the trends started to show and here I am at 4 o' clock in the morning writing this because I am just so tired of it. Tired of having to lie to my female peers that I have to turn down sex all of the time because my boyfriend just can't get enough of me. I'm tired of listening to my friends in their 30's and 40's talk about how their sex life with their spouse has slowed over the past 15-20 years and they are only at twice a week now. I love my boyfriend. I really do. He is there for me when I need him, he makes me happy, and I want to eventually have a family with him and grow old with him. But if I am only getting sex once a month now, what's it going to be like when I'm 25? 30?

On another note, I do take care of my body. My measurements are 32DD-25-34. I am 5'2 and weigh 100 pounds, give or take a few. I've been told I have a pretty face and I do shower regularly. I understand that a lot of men lose interest in their significant others because their significant others lose interest in taking care of themselves. All I can think of is that it is me. I need to lose more weight, buy expensive clothes, wear more make up, less make up, and so on.

So after that novel, please tell me this empowher; why won't my boyfriend have sex with me?

Add a Comment2 Comments

Thanks for sharing your story, perhaps only you and your partner can solve these matter. You both, could have talk to each other heart to heart, I know there might be a serious reason why does your partner refuses to you and make you feel rejected and unloved. On the hand, you have mentioned dating before. A guy named Beaver Phillips released a book entitled Copy Paste and Bang which is becoming a phenomenon of sorts in the world of online dating. The book is becoming a hit, so Beaver Phillips might never need payday loans again.

July 24, 2009 - 1:03am
HERWriter Guide

Dear Anon

We are happy to answer everyone's questions, no matter if they have attended college (or high school) so please don't feel you have to let us know your credentials in order for us to help you - we're here for all!

Thanks for your question and welcome to Empowher!

I doubt your looks have anything to do with this - in fact, I doubt it has much to do with you at all, unless your boyfriend has simply decided he no longer wants to be in a relationship with you and doesn't know how to tell you. Do you think this could be the case?

What's going on with him in general? Is he healthy? Does he have a medical history or drug/alcohol history that could influence his behavior?

I'm not really clear why you went back with him after your breakup. Why would you go back to a broken relationship when nothing had been done during the relationship to repair it? When this is done, the same problems resurface, which is what happened with you.

We cannot tell you why your boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with you. There are so many scenarios. He may be dating behind your back (or using the internet for sexual purposes) or he may have a medical reason that he doesn't want to talk to you about or may be unaware of!

He could also be suffering from depression. Sex drive often lessens or completely disappear when a person is depressed. Do you think this is possible?

If he doesn't want to help himself, you need to ask yourself if staying with him is doing you any favors at all. Love simply isn't enough. It takes more than love to make a relationship work, no matter what love-songs say! You both need to be committed, honest, forthcoming, faithful and communicative. And your relationship does not have good communication.

You can work on it by yourselves (therapy doesn't work for everyone) or you can get into couples therapy. If you don't work on this as a couple, the relationship will fail.

Take sex aside - what's the rest of your relationship like? Do you cuddle, kiss, talk, go on dates? Do you make a lot of eye contact when you talk? Are you good friends? Do you do activities together?

I know that a problematic sex life can overshadow all the good stuff in a relationship but if you take sexual problems away, is the rest of the relationship good?

July 17, 2009 - 12:40pm
Enter the characters shown in the image.
By submitting this form, you agree to EmpowHER's terms of service and privacy policy
Add a Comment

All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.