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Im unhappy because i don't love him anymore or im not getting what i want?

By Anonymous October 4, 2009 - 1:51am
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I've been dating my boyfriend for about 2 years now. We started off as a one night stand, but eventually got carried on...because of great sex lives, and how we clicked mentally. We did everything together, enjoyed each other company. etc. The problem now is we started to have less and less sex..now its probably once or twice a month, which i have to initiate it first. We had many talks about this, serious and open too. So, we managed to get through till now. Though, the problem has come back again and again and i feel too tired to initiate anything. If he doesn't do it then fine im not going to do anything either. I give up dressing sexily to seduce him but his friends, as a matter of fact, i give up thinking about having sex with him at all. IF it happens, wow im so lucky. if you know what i mean.

Now i feel sad all the time. i often think about escaping away, to the seas and just be there alone. It will rejuvenate my soul. but i cant because of family and job. So i end up with a 9 - 5 office life. My boyfriend does not seem to have any problems at all. he doesnt even think we have a problem. As far as he's concerned we are fine and growing strong. he says that he doesnt really need sex anymore because he feels comfortable with our relationship very much that his love for me is entirely based on mentality level.

He doesnt cheat, he doesnt go out party (which he was like a man whore before he met me) he doesnt care about any girls. he just does men things with his colleagues i.e. play football, checking out new bicycles, etc.

I tried walked away from him a month ago but as you could guess, i had nowhere else to go, so i came back. I dont know how i can fix this problem because he doesnt even think we have problems. we are great....in his opinion, even if the passionate sex little exists. but he thinks its normal for a long relationship.

Now im sitting here feeling so bored of him. I dont know if i love him anymore, or if i ever do. Maybe i have fooled myself love with lust all the time. The whole thing about us exists based on sex....must be. Otherwise, why is it become this big of a problem for me.

Am i obsessed with sex? Do i like him for how he is or i like him because of sex?

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I would like to echo the great advice Alison gave you, and I'm also interested in this: You said you walked away from him a month ago, but had nowhere else to go, so you went back.

What was his response when you left? Did the two of you have any of this discussion then?

If it seems that the only thing keeping you there is the fact that you don't know where to go, please think about what your plan would be. You sound like a smart, thoughtful, responsible woman who wants a lot out of life. Can you save money so that you could get your own apartment? Do you have a good girlfriend who would let you stay with her for a while?

What do you want in your life, Anon, besides intimacy? Are you hoping for marriage or children, and if so, have you talked with your boyfriend about these things? Do you feel that the two of you have made a commitment to a life together? Do you want that?

The fact that the two of you clicked mentally and enjoyed each other's company for a long time tells me that there was more compatibility there than just sexually. So I don't think you just "fooled yourself with lust." There seems to have been more to it than that. But without that aspect of the relationship, you are feeling disconnected and not in sync.

Do you think he would go to counseling with you?

October 5, 2009 - 9:01am

I am so sorry that you are going through this sadness in your relationship right now. Have you considered talking with a counselor or therapist?

It does not sound like this relationship is making you happy any longer, as it has gone from a romantic relationship into a friendship...and you are looking for an intimate relationship with your boyfriend (of course!). He, it sounds like, is now fine with being friends ("his love for me is entirely based on mentality level" and "no need for sex any longer").

Ending a relationship is difficult to do, and is a process. Give yourself time. Please do not wonder what is "wrong with you" ("Am i obsessed with sex?"). How can you possibly be obsessed with sex...you are trying to get your boyfriend's attention sexually, and he is no longer interested in you sexually...for whatever reason(s). He was very clear in his communication with you about this, and you are now making the choice to stay with him; in essence you are agreeing with this new friendship-arrangement.

Please communicate with him clearly that you are looking for a boyfriend/partner that includes all-aspects of "romantic love" (versus "friendship love") and one that meets your needs and makes you happy. You deserve it! If you two are no longer on the same page as far as what you are looking for in a future boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, that really is OK. It can happen, and does not mean anything is wrong with the other person. It does not mean one person is bad or hateful; relationships can unfortunately come-and-go; feelings change for one person and not the other.

I hope you can both by authentic and "real" and choose what is best for you, and that is being a part of a relationship that meets your needs. Of course, the difficult part about being authentic and true to ourselves is acting on our truth...and this is where a therapist or counselor can help you through the steps. I wish you the best!

You may also find some of these posts by Dr. Klein (sexual health expert) helpful:
-Husband no sex drive (..."On the other hand, he may tell you the truth, and you guys may realize, “Hmm, we’ve got a problem here that’s not going to get solved,” like ”I am not attracted to you,” or like ”I am just not that into sex with anybody,” or like ”I think that sex is creepy”...)
- Am I Sexually Normal? ("The only way to escape [anxiety regarding what "normal" is], is deciding that "normal" is irrelevant. Take some control of your life: decide that you have a right to accept your sexuality on your own terms.")

October 4, 2009 - 6:44am
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