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Is it me or him? Have no clue what to do...

By September 10, 2009 - 3:30am
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First, thank you for reading my post.
I've been living with my bf for 1.5 year.We love each other and planning to make a family in the near future. I must say, we have a very active sexual life.
But recently it goes off limits for me. He asks me for more stuff, which makes me feel uncomfortable and insecure. We talked it over, but he thinks I' m just too young and inexperienced in sex( he's 30, I'm 24). So, even now he asks me for more, he goes beyond what I can accept.

First,my bf asked me to excite him by dirty talk, which I consider normal, we both enjoyed it so much, but now the dirty talk borders on obscene, he wants to bring it to life. Like having sex in the balcony at night, where we can be still watched. The other day he asked me to play with a dildo in the balcony in the noon where I can be seen by hundreds of neighbors ( we live in a big compound, where dozens of building face our balcony)! I could not accept it and he was so pissed off that he left home. Moreover, he asked me to go to the sex shop and excite the salesman,then call him and let him listen to my talk with him. I told him I cant accept it, he just said he'll never share with me his dirties fantazies and desires. He thinks, I behave like a little inexperienced girl in sexlife.
There are more things that we do in bed, which I consider ok in sex: like role play and sex toys.
I know there are some couples who go to swingers, have 3somes and its ok with them. I have totally point of you, I will never bear it in my life!
Please, let me know what I shall do? Any ideas? Maybe, it`s my fault and I'm just making it? I really don't know what to do. Do these things make the relationship healthy?

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I'm glad you decided to have a chat with him. At least now he understands your feelings and is validating them instead of ignoring them and making you feel like you are wrong.

Wishing you the best!

September 11, 2009 - 5:25am

Dear girls!
Can't stop thanking you for your help!
We talked today and my bf agreed it was a bit over the top. He was so depressed after our conversation and even said that he hates himself and considers himself sexually sick. As pain gives him pleasure, I mean when he sees me with another man, for example. I hope, it will be only in his mind and he differentiate where imagination and reality are.
I told him its just a bit too much to ask for it, its OK if its gonna happen only between us and that`s it. It was too wild and dangerous for me, though he doesn't agree till now, it was so safe from his point of view. He came up with not telling me his wild thoughts and keep them for himself. It hurt me a bit, as I don't want him to have any sexual secrets from me, but then I realized it's the best agreement we could reach together. Now I will just see how it will go and what he's eager to change for me to make me more comfortable and confident in our relationship.

September 11, 2009 - 4:40am

Dear preciousgift1,

I must completely agree with Rosa and Susanc. First of all, there is not one man in this world that don't have sexual fantasies. It is so normal. I think you really need to take a stand and tell him that you can't have sexual intimacy on your balcony! Maybe you have told him no but he needs to know that it is so wrong and so disrespectful not only to other people but to himself! I think Rosa and Susanc pretty much covered everything up but honestly im here to tell you never ever think it is your fault. If you feel uncomfortable with the odd things he asks you to do so he can be satisfied then you have every right to say no! It is your body and you have a say in it...if he really truely loves you, he will accept that and not storm out of the house because you won't do something he is basically forcing you to do! It really is affecting your self esteem and it shouldn't! Never let a man put you down no matter what it is he says or does! Take Care of yourself and stick up for yourself. Remember you are doing nothing wrong!

September 10, 2009 - 5:58pm


It sounds like he has been manipulating you with sex for a while. No, not everyone can satisfy EVERY fantasy that their partners have. We all have different opinions and feelings on what feels good, what doesn't, and what our limits are.

Just as it is important to be open about your sexual fantasies to your partner, it is important to respect the others decisions about them. And the manipulation continues when he says "Cheating is inevitable". No, cheating is cheating no matter what the reason and there is no justification for it.

Try to talk to him, don't fall for the manipulation which is obviously now affecting your self esteem. If there is no way through to him, I think you know what to do.

September 10, 2009 - 12:28pm

Dear Rosa Cabrera and Susanc!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your quick replies!
I need your help indeed. I'm really at my wit's end how to act with him now.
I feel so bewildered, can't understand why he gets excited by asking me to do these kind of things. Last year our problem was, that he was talking in bed all the time how he sees me with another guy having sex.
It was fun in the beginning, but some weeks later I felt hurt. I asked him to have a change for a bit in sex life and just make love, I was totally against that fantasy cause it hurt my feelings. At that time we just started living together and it was a bit over the top for me. He agreed it was sick and since then he stopped talking about that in bed and now it came out with a worse scenario.
He says what he asked for is so normal for a guy in his 30s and I cant blame him for his sexuality. I feel so bad, as I don't want to lose intimacy with him, he warned me he will stop sharing his wild thoughts with me. I'm sure there is something broken between us now, and it will cost a lot of efforts to coma back to the normal state of things. My bf always says that the most important thing is to be able to open your sexual secrets to your partner. Otherwise, cheating is inevitable in the family.
I am afraid I will pull him away from me and he will always miss those things and one day he will want to try it again and he will find someone who will accept it in bed. Thus, I am insecure, as I know I cant make all his sexual desires come true.
I want him to be so close to me and keep true intimate relationship with him,but at the same time to show without hurting him what I can't bear in private life.
Thank you, everyone, in advance!

September 10, 2009 - 9:53am
HERWriter Guide

Dear precious gift

I agree with Rosa's advice to you. Sexuality is very subjective and what's right for others may be wrong for us and vice versa.

And as Rosa said, calling you inexperienced and a little girl is a way to manipulate you and pressure you into doing what he asks in order to prove to him you are a real woman. Please don't take the bait - if it feels wrong for you, then it's wrong. And no-one should call you names or use dubious words or descriptions against you in order to pressure you into doing things that make you feel uncomfortable.

I don't know what his plans are, of course, since I don't know him. But reading your story makes me suspect he may ultimately going to ask you to perform sex acts with other man as he watches. His actions now are a lead up to this and he is testing the waters.

Please don't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. If your boyfriend loves you, he will stop making these requests of you. And please remember that performing a sex act in public (the balcony) can have you arrested - it's against the law. If you can be seen by hundreds of neighbors, many of them will be children and you could get yourself in real legal trouble. Calling up the salesman of a sex store can also get you into trouble - how do you know the man may not want to take things further, against your will or mistake your "dirty calls" for a request for sex? Just be very careful where you are going with your boyfriend's requests - you could get very hurt by this, legally, physically and emotionally.

I wish you the best and remember that the various kinds of sexual activity that we enjoy is only healthy if both of you are enjoying it and there are no dangerous consequences.

September 10, 2009 - 6:40am

Dear preciousgift1,

Thank you for your question, I am so sorry you are torn on what to do about your boyfriend. I won't give you advice, because thinking things over and weighing your options is best for you to do but I will give you my two cents...

First of all, I think it is absolutely, 100% normal to have sexual fantasies, fetishes, and desires that some people would consider "weird". HOWEVER, putting you in an awkward situation to fulfill them and then belittling you when you don't is not acceptable. I can tell you that unless you live in a porno, I don't think most women (whether 24, 30, or 60) have masturbated on their balconies for others to watch or attempted to seduce their dildo salesman.

Calling you things such as "little girl" or "inexperienced" is likely to be his way of not being able to handle hearing "no" from you. There is nothing wrong with saying no to something you feel uncomfortable doing, but there IS something wrong with the starting of name calling, temper tantrums, and leaving the house.

You asked if these kinds of things he asks for make relationships healthy.
They can...but only if BOTH of you have these desires and enjoy them together. It is not healthy if only he desires you to do this and only he enjoys it.

Good Luck with whatever you decide, I am sure that it will be what's best for you.

September 10, 2009 - 5:38am
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