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Cary Cook BSN RN

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ask: my boyfriend is 15 years older than me

By kapeleaper
 
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hes a really good christian guy and hes the sweetes thing. but im 19 and he is 34. my best friend is not suporting me at all. my parents love him and think hes great but most of my 7 siblings dont like the idea. how do i get them to see him as i see him? sure there are frustrations but that comes with any relationship. the thing is we are planing on getting married (not engaged yet) some time next year and i dont know how to tell my family and friends nor do i kno how the will react

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EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Wow i am going through much the same thing except for my parents don't agree with it and i am 18, i really don't see what the problem is, my family was friends with him before but know all of a sudden it has been deemed innappropriate for us to have a relationship.

April 4, 2011 - 4:35pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

My boyfriend is 15 years older then me as well. I am 25 and he is 39. I honestly don't like that we are so far apart in age. I wish I could make us closer together because I hate telling people how old he is. I get looks and comments sometimes. My Grandma told me to find someone my own age, lol. But other then me wishing he was closer to my age, I am very happy with him and have been for four years. I am learning that age is nothing. You're both human and able to love so why not love each other? I am happier then most of my friends are with their same age boyfriends. I have found a good honest loving man who loves me and would do anything for me. I trust him 100 percent and i know he would never do anything to hurt me. So forget about age...people will see after 10 years of you guys being together that age is of no importance.

September 19, 2010 - 8:11pm
kapeleaper

Susan,
Yes i have had a lot to deal with and that is why i am talking to you.
My boyfriend and i hang out about 3 to 4 times a week and talk on the phone and text. i usually hang out with my best friend about 2 to 3 times a week. but also its hard to want to hang out when im feeling sick, but i do want to be with them.
yes im still going for allergy treatments and they a slowly helping. progress with everything is very slow.

Caitlyn

August 16, 2010 - 10:31am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to kapeleaper)

Hi again!

It does seem like everyone is getting pretty equal time with you! I also hope you have some alone time too, I think that's important for everyone.

I think time, and standing your ground is what will get you past this. And please remember that you are only 19. Your boyfriend is in his 30s and is at a totally different phase of life. Do what you, as a 19 year old, feel comfortable with. There is no need to get married anytime soon, nor rush into anything else. Think about taking some classes and getting more independence in your life before finding yourself married with children and no career or education to back on. All women, no matter what kind of lifestyle they live, deserve a good education. Then they will also have career prospects, to make sure they are able to live a great life without depending on someone else.

I'm glad your treatments are working, albeit slowly (a bit like your family problems, really).

Hang in there, maintain your stance and live your life as you want to live with, and then the only one your sister can be ill-mannered to is herself.

Keep me posted as to how things go.
Best,
~Susan

August 16, 2010 - 11:44am
kapeleaper (reply to Susan Cody)

Yes ill be starting some classes at our univercity this fall which is actally next week. im only taking 2 because im already pretty stressed as it is and i'll still be working.
Another thing that worries be is that i dont want to end up waisting an education wether or not i get married and start a family, the economy dosnt look good and it seems to be getting slowly worse lucky for me i live in Alaska so things take longer to hit up here.
but i do agree that "me" time is imprtant and im not in any rush to get married we're not engaged yet and i have no idea when that will happen. at this point with everything goin on i jus take it one day at a time because thats the only way im makin it right now.

thanks so much for takin to me and giving me your advice it has been very helpful and its felt good to get some stuff off my chest and not have to jus hold it in.

Caitlyn

August 16, 2010 - 12:19pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to kapeleaper)

That's what I'm here for Caitlyn :)

An education is NEVER wasted - no matter what you do in life! I know many moms who work part-time or are stay at home moms who have degrees, master degrees, even law degrees. An educated mom is a wonderful asset to her children, especially if she stays home and spends so much time with them/educating them!

Then for other women (incl working moms or stay at home moms who return to the workplace) , it afford them more opportunities in work to get ahead, get promotions and provide for their families.

Stay in school, take one or two classes at a time (there is no rush) and you'll get there, I promise! You can take away a lot from a person, but never their degree/education!

Stay in touch with us! Things will settle down for you with time, I promise :)
~Susan

August 16, 2010 - 12:38pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide

Hi Kapeleaper

Thanks for your question!

There is not a lot you can do to convince others of how great your boyfriend is but I think time will be a good thing. Eventually your siblings will realize that it's futile to dislike a man who is a decent human being, treats you well, and has plans to marry you - simply because of his age.

In fact, if they are Christian (I suspect they are, since you mentioned it?) then it goes against the teachings of Jesus Christ to behave that way. That's all I can say about the religious aspect of things; I'm not an expert on any religion!

While there is a rather large age gap between you, you both love each other, treat each other well and plan to spend your life together. Of course, it'd be another thing if he was abusive or otherwise unkind but since he is not, the age difference seems to be the only problem and that is the one thing you cannot change!

It's very hard when some family and a best friend don't support you but as you prove your commitment to each other, they may eventually come around! You are a grown woman and don't have to 'prove' anything to anyone but I agree that it's so much better when people get along and are supportive. A positive attitude and a united front between you and your boyfriend is the best way forward. Because then what is there to object to?

I'm so glad you parents are supportive, I think they will be key in helping others to accept your relationship. Just remember that you and your boyfriend need to stay united and don't allow the opinions of others to break you up. If you are meant to be, you are meant to be.

So stay calm and live your life like you usually do. Their acceptance of you as a couple is ultimately up to them. I hope they see past an age gap to see the bigger picture. Ask your parents to be supportive when you are around family and when you are not. Since they are probably seen as wise figures in your family - it will help you two a lot.

What do you think?
~Susan

August 13, 2010 - 11:16am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)

it says nothing in the bible against being with older people !

April 3, 2011 - 1:31pm
kapeleaper (reply to Susan Cody)

thank you very much for your advice this is quit helpful. my oldest sister is causing most of the strife and she jus can't stop thinking me as her litte sister, and im too young and immature to get married.this frustrates me alot because my other older sister got married when she was 19 and my mom was only 17 when she got married and both my mom's sisters were 16 and 18 on their wedding day. so its sort of jus expected. also im not your avrage 19 year old looking after my 5 younger siblings at a young age, for the past two years i have had severe stomach problems and been to 5 doctors none of which can explain what is wrong with me (my previous boyfriend left me becaus he could not handle this becaus the stomach pain is almost constant and my weight is all over the chart, i have hardly any energy i have to take a nap every day and its hard for me to go out and have fun, this was dentremental when he left because it made me lose tust of thoes i love thinking they could jus walk away) because of my stomach problems i missed a ton of school and was told that would not be able to graduate because i was so far behind. long story short i worked my butt off and graduated with my class and the was a miricle. so for my sister to tell me that im too immture and havnt lived enough life is a slap in the face because at a 17 i woke up to reality that life hurts and its not all fun and games. while my friends were laughing and having fun and going on road trips i was in extreme pain and at the doct everyonther day.

sorry im not meaning to go on a rant. my stomach has improve some but i have to have pain medication on hand at all times because my stommach is unpredictable and i never kno when i will hit me life a frate train. but my boyfriend knows of all theys problems and has stood by my side and is very suportive. im always worring and stressing about what i could say or do to open my brothers and sisters eyes to how great he is but he says there is no need.hes really chill and couldn't care less what they thing as long as im happy and dont have a preoblem then we are good, but to me family is inportant and my best friend almost more so becacuse she has been my best friend since 2nd grade and we have always been ther for echother... until now. what do i do?

August 13, 2010 - 12:21pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to kapeleaper)

Hi kapeleaper

Vent away, that's what we're here for!

On a physical note - what is your diagnosis? Do you have a kind of gastrointestinal issue? You'll need to take good care of yourself and remember that stress can absolutely have a part in triggering flares.

You do sound like you have been through a heck of a lot in your life and these kinds of circumstances can really make someone have a different, more mature attitude to life. Congrats on graduating, that is something to be VERY proud of!

With regard to your best friend; what's probably going on is that she sees you are moving on into an adult life probably a lot faster than she, and she is either resentful or scared she'll lose you or both. Probably both. It's probably hard for her to see you with a 30-something man, while she is hanging out with other teens (as she should be and so should you - you may be an old soul but you are still a teen and enjoy this time of your life!) I also hope you know that you have options with marriage. You don't have to follow your family with being a teen bride. You can take your time and live a little before making a lifetime commitment. What was right for your mother/sisters/aunts etc, may not be right for you.

We sometimes lose commonality with our childhood friends as we enter adulthood. This is what maybe happening here with your best friend although I hope not. It should not be a "it's him or us" scenario. Ultimatums like that end very badly.

If your older sister was good friends with him before you became a couple and is now being downright rude to him; she has some growing up to do! I know she may want what's best for you but....does she really? Or does she want you to remain the baby of the family because it suits her? You are an adult now. You can own a home, serve in the military, work full time. Keeping you in babyhood is a bit self-serving for her and is useless anyway - you cannot stop time. You are all grown and she just has to accept that.

I appreciate that your family is so important to you and this is the way it should be. But this works both ways and they should be there to support you. It's not like you are committing some kind of crime!

You have a couple of choices:

Ask both your family members who do not support you and your best friend this question:

"Aside from the age difference, what are your objections? " They are not allowed to bring up age at all - just list out their other "objections". I'd be interested to hear what they are. And I wonder if they feel foolish listing out their criticisms of a man who only treats you well? Give it a try.

Your other option:
Your boyfriend has the right idea. He's chill and taking it day by day. I'd advise you to do the same. Joining in your big sister's drama is not going to help you at all. In fact, by ignoring it, you'll show even more how mature you are. Bending over backwards to keep "proving" yourself is a bit silly and you're under no obligation to do so. The problem lies within them, not you. So they need to change, not you. Join your boyfriend: be polite, smile and show 'em how it's done!

What do you think?

~Susan

August 13, 2010 - 12:52pm
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