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ask: My boyfriend continues to save pictures of naked women on his computer after I've asked him to stop! Then masturbates while I am sleeping in the same room!

By Karma
 
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Hey guys. I have been holding this story in for so long that I had to get it out to someone, as I have been too embarrassed to ask friends. I have many questions, and was excited to see there was a site that I could vent to. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now, and have had plenty of ups and downs, but the biggest fight that ever comes between us is his appearing to be addicted to looking at women on the internet. We have lived together most of the time that we have been seeing each other, which has been difficult for us, as we rushed into it way too soon, but because of this, I know many things I wish I didn't. First problem we had was he had hundreds of pictures of naked women saved on his computer, which personally I found disgusting, and hurtful!! The numbers continued to grow, even after I told him that I understood if he needed to look at them online to "get off" but I strongly insisted that I was not okay with him saving the pictures. After refusing to do it, I finally had a massive break-down about it, and his response was that he was so sorry and then the next day he showed me that his pictures file was empty, and that he did it because he loves me so much and knew how much it meant to me. Of course I was ecstatic, only to find out that a week or so later, he had just moved them into a folder of a folder of a folder so that I would never find them again! He flat out lied to my face! I felt cheated, disgraced, mortified, and betrayed, it was horrible! Since then there have been many discussions about how I am not comfortable with him saving the pictures, and have asked a million times for him to stop, in which he gets extremely angry with me, and says I can't tell him what to do, or he will agree to stop...but continues! I can't control my anger about it sometimes, and end up going in and deleting all of them out of rage, yet he just continues to save them! And to top all of that off, he will look at them, as well as a million other sites and masturbate while I am sleeping in bed beside him! Waking up to this, I have told him so many times how disgusting and disrespectful I think it is, but I cannot get him to stop! It feels like every morning I wake up to see there is a towel beside his computer to clean up his "mess" and it is actually starting to make me completely not attracted to him, because I am just so grossed out by it! Why can't he just go to another room? Or do it when I am not around? In-turn I feel like it is extremely affecting our sex life, because he just doesn't seem to ever want it enough, especially for a 21 year old! Please help...I don't know what to do anymore about either situation! He refuses to respect my wishes or even appear to care about my feelings. Am I being unfair and overreacting about this?

Add a Comment74 Comments

EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Im having a similar problem. I have been with my partner for over 4 years and he has constantly looked at naked pictures of women. I found out in the past he has contacted ex girlfriends, he has even met one for a walk. He has promised he has stopped texting them and I do believe him however he still downloads photos of naked women and he admits he masturbates over them at work. I never ever turn him for sex, infact im a highly sexed person myself. We have a brilliant sex life and he always comments on it. I am 8 years younger than him and really try to look after myself, I run, mountain bike and try to keep healthy. I get comments from others about my looks and figure. I dont understand why he is doing this, it has really knocked my confidence and I keep asking "what is wrong with me?"

December 1, 2014 - 6:01am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

There is nothing wrong with you at all. You could be a supermodel and your boyfriend will still obsess over porn. He sounds like he may have an addiction going on. 

He loves porn and that's who he is.  Unless he wants to stop, it doesn't sound like he will.  Masturbating to porn at work is a bit disturbing, if he gets caught he'll lose his job. 

You can tell him again that this bothers you and see if you can work it out together.  But if he won't you have to accept him for who he is - people don't change if they don't want to.  

Best,

Susan

December 1, 2014 - 6:15am
lou234 (reply to Susan Cody)

Im asuming he is doing this while showering in cubicle after work as he is a mechanic. I have to admit I have insecurity issues and do search through his phone to find things then confront him, he then looses it and flips out. I have offered on many occasions to watch porn with him but he doesn't want to watch it with me nor does he want to watch the film, he said watching it with me, makes him uncomfortable as there are other men on it. He just seems to want to look at naked women.

December 1, 2014 - 8:24am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to lou234)

Hi lou234

Your relationship isn't healthy at all.  There is no trust, thus no real friendship. He doesn't want you to get off on seeing naked men but he's completely obsessed with naked women getting it from naked men. 

You really ought to aim higher.  Seriously - your boyfriend sounds like an ass and he has no respect for you. 

Give yourself the gift of getting rid of him. He will never change. 

Best,

Susan

December 1, 2014 - 5:45pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

this forum is sad... seems like a place girls that held an unrealistic view of men go to comfert and bash men... this is a plague of society...

November 25, 2014 - 7:25pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I've been going through the same for over 5 years. Men have the ability to be faithful physically but not mentally ( or as we see it - emotionally). Mine claims he loves me but will not stop trying to chat to meet up for encounters with low self esteemed tramps. Every time he gets caught he denies until the end of the world until evidence in his face then he breaks down talking about all of his past & present problems & states he needs me.

I tried many different ways to address it... Confronting, threatening to leave, showing him what it does to my self esteem, even tried acting like a tramp - he liked it but it didn't stop him from looking &. Chatting more. So I stopped since he didn't appreciate the nothingness this has made me become.

Since we have a child together I feel I can't do anything to stop it & can't leave... I've given up. He thinks everything is ok but I know about everything he is still doing I just expect it now k don't care to bring it up. It may not b the best thing for me but it works for everyone else in my life & that's what matters.

My views on love have changed forever, love is mere fairy tale idea. There is always going to be another woman with better assets than you & he will notice & fantasize & wish.

Just decide for yourself if you accept this to be with him. If yes, decision is made, if no you'll have to go find some other guy that will do the same or hide it very well.

To be a fool with eyes closed, that is the question. Fidelity doesn't exist.

November 25, 2014 - 1:17pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I'm sorry to hear about all of this, but there s real love out there, I'm afraid you settled down an had a baby with the wrong man. Being a man doesn't mean byyou can talk to Other women, it's different to hear"check thm out" this is harmless, but what your man is doing is trying to cheat. You need to Either leave him, or do the same thing he is until you can leave with baby. Please don't let him cheat on you..

December 16, 2014 - 4:46pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

Obviously you may need to move on from your relationship but love isn't lost - that's doing our men and our sons a great disservice if we think this way. This relationship didn't work out of you but you will probably find love again! 

Susan

November 25, 2014 - 4:23pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

No honey your not over-reacting. I am having the same problem with my fiance...it hurts. It makes one feel as though they somehow arent good enough. My guy just got a new phone and his pics are not of our daughter or jobsites... its women in "comprimising" positions...disgusting. i feel urpain sister.

November 22, 2014 - 2:46pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I have the same issue with my boyfriend. I used to never care about this sort of thing because I understand that it is normal to need to get off, but lately its been disappointing. It started with him liking and following porn stars on social media. That was just not okay with me for the sole reason that all of our friends can see what he likes. He respected my wishes of unfollowing and posting about hot porn stars/models. Then I found thousands of saved naked photos of random chicks on the computer and saved on his phone. I don't know how to make myself feel better about this. I know it's probably a confidence issue and he will never change...just makes me feel like shit.

November 15, 2014 - 11:19pm
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