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ask: My boyfriend continues to save pictures of naked women on his computer after I've asked him to stop! Then masturbates while I am sleeping in the same room!

Hey guys. I have been holding this story in for so long that I had to get it out to someone, as I have been too embarrassed to ask friends. I have many questions, and was excited to see there was a site that I could vent to. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now, and have had plenty of ups and downs, but the biggest fight that ever comes between us is his appearing to be addicted to looking at women on the internet. We have lived together most of the time that we have been seeing each other, which has been difficult for us, as we rushed into it way too soon, but because of this, I know many things I wish I didn't. First problem we had was he had hundreds of pictures of naked women saved on his computer, which personally I found disgusting, and hurtful!! The numbers continued to grow, even after I told him that I understood if he needed to look at them online to "get off" but I strongly insisted that I was not okay with him saving the pictures. After refusing to do it, I finally had a massive break-down about it, and his response was that he was so sorry and then the next day he showed me that his pictures file was empty, and that he did it because he loves me so much and knew how much it meant to me. Of course I was ecstatic, only to find out that a week or so later, he had just moved them into a folder of a folder of a folder so that I would never find them again! He flat out lied to my face! I felt cheated, disgraced, mortified, and betrayed, it was horrible! Since then there have been many discussions about how I am not comfortable with him saving the pictures, and have asked a million times for him to stop, in which he gets extremely angry with me, and says I can't tell him what to do, or he will agree to stop...but continues! I can't control my anger about it sometimes, and end up going in and deleting all of them out of rage, yet he just continues to save them! And to top all of that off, he will look at them, as well as a million other sites and masturbate while I am sleeping in bed beside him! Waking up to this, I have told him so many times how disgusting and disrespectful I think it is, but I cannot get him to stop! It feels like every morning I wake up to see there is a towel beside his computer to clean up his "mess" and it is actually starting to make me completely not attracted to him, because I am just so grossed out by it! Why can't he just go to another room? Or do it when I am not around? In-turn I feel like it is extremely affecting our sex life, because he just doesn't seem to ever want it enough, especially for a 21 year old! Please help...I don't know what to do anymore about either situation! He refuses to respect my wishes or even appear to care about my feelings. Am I being unfair and overreacting about this?

Add a Comment54 Comments

Tattooed_N_Twisted

Since my last post, my husband tried to be intimate with me this morning, I told him no and he stomped off like a child. I said "Really? How old are we?" And he remarked, "Don't even start with me!" Then said he didn't understand why I wouldn't have sex with him, I finally told him I had need more photos on his phone and that he still had not gotten rid of all the girls on his instagram that should not be on there. He said he didn't know what I was talking about....I couldn't believe him. I still don't believe him. I know full well he is lying to me, I'm not even hurt anymore...I'm just angry. He knows what I'm talking about but he seems to think if he says he doesn't, I will just continue to drop it and move on. This time, I don't think I can. I could have forgiven if he had told me the truth, but I can't when he lies to my face. I mean, I can't even find out the reasoning for it if he won't even admit he is doing it. He deleted the photos I found most recently, but I know from his history this will only last for so long and in a couple weeks or months, there will be new ones on there and the cycle will continue. He obviously is never going to stop, or stop lying. On top of everything else, he took out a title loan on his truck a couple months ago (his truck is the only vehicle we have and the only thing of value we have left after trying to barter with our landlord to keep from getting evicted)...and he didn't discuss it with me beforehand or tell me about it. Well, because he still has not gotten a job (due to him acting as if he is too good to work most places), they repossessed his truck yesterday afternoon and we are officially stuck with no car. Although it is "his truck," I feel I should have had a say in whether or not we took out a loan on it like that, especially when it was PAID FOR. Am I overreacting that he didn't discuss it with me or even tell me about it?

April 30, 2013 - 5:38pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Tattooed_N_Twisted)

If it hurts you, tell him. If he cares, he will stop it. If he is a selfish dolt, he won't. I have looked at many sites re this subject. What really cracks me up? Chances are the wife/girlfriend is not satisfied sexually by him. Why? He is too rough? Doesn't take the time to arouse her? Dismisses her needs? Doesn't think women enjoy sex? Whatever the case, it is selfish and he is clueless. Neanderthal mentality, you know. " A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." The problem is, we love them. When we discover what they are doing, the dynamics of the relationship change. What we perceived to be true, wasn't. We gave them devotion and exclusivity. We thought it was mutual. It wasn't. They dismiss us; just fantasy, just pics, doesn't mean nothing, I love you baby. Whatever! So selfish n lazy! Why don't you please ME the way you want to be pleased? If men pleased their mates as they should, then women would reciprocate because they would desire your touch. Do you guys think we women don't appreciate male eye candy? Most cases eye candy is hotter than you. But, we make commitments, we hold respect, and we trust. We freaking trust you guys to not go wanking off to images of some other random vagina just because??? Hello, get a clue! How would you like it if your wife waited for you to go to sleep and then she surfed for hot, muscular, well-endowed men and masturbated to their images while leaving you-high & dry baby! And then dismissed your feelings? If you don't respect and cherish the love your wife/girlfriend has for you then you don't deserve her love. The best you can hope for is to keep wanking your willie to nothingness. The more you wank to porn, the more she is repulsed by you, and the more she is repulsed by you, the more you wank. You guys are soooo lucky to even find a woman willing to love and accept you as you are! Wake up! You won't know a good thing til it's gone! Wank on dudes! Losers!

March 27, 2014 - 3:44am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I have had the same issue with my husband. He not only continues to save these photos on his phone, he lies about them or when confronted tells me he doesn't know how they got there, there aren't any there (like I'm making it up) or someone sent it in an email and he hasn't had a chance to delete them yet (which is b.s. because things do not automatically save the way he is claiming they do/are). He all of the sudden deleted them a couple months ago and I thought he finally realized how wrong it was, especially as a Christian married man. Well, the last couple weeks or so, they are back and there are more than ever. I was so angry when I saw them on there again I nearly left in the middle of the night. It's to the point I don't think I can stay with him anymore. To make matters worse, he had the gall a couple nights ago to use his parents internet when I was sitting in the same room as him, look up and save pictures and stuff on his phone, lie to me when I asked what he was doing (he said he was playing a game), and then when we got home, he wanted to have sex and I wasn't really in the mood (haven't been since I found the photos again) but he still kept trying and I finally just gave up saying no. It was not good sex for me because I felt like he wouldn't listen when I said I wasn't in the mood and also because all I could think about were his phone photos and all the lies that went with them. Afterwards, I discovered the new photos and knew what he had done, looked at them with me sitting right there (knowing I would be upset about it) and then basically used me to get off. Again, if I had a vehicle, I would have left in the middle of the night. I don't even know what to do anymore, talking doesn't do anything cause I have talked the subject to death I feel and he never changes. I'm glad I'm not the only one with this kind of issue, but not glad because I know how much it hurts, is frustrating, etc. Some of the other photos my husband has on his phone are naked pregnant women, which he has admitted to thinking were hot. This is weird to me and would be weird even if they were clothed, but it's also disrespectful in my opinion because we found out last August I can't carry children because of a health problem I have. When I found out I was crushed, he knows that, and he won't leave that stuff alone either.

April 13, 2013 - 10:22pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

I'm sorry to read about your distress. Porn only works if both parties are into it and your husband should respect your wishes. To be honest, it sounds like he's never going to stop because he may have a kind of addiction to porn and this can wreck havoc with his sex life with his willing wife. His vision of sex is probably greatly distorted now - bodies full of plastic surgery and fake orgasms etc.

I think unless he gets some help for this, not much will change. If he is refusing to stop, knowing how much it hurts you and knowing it's causing your marriage to crumble, then you have some very serious decisions to make.

What do you see, when you think about your future?

Susan

April 15, 2013 - 12:21pm
Tattooed_N_Twisted (reply to Susan Cody)

Honestly, I'm looking for a way out right now. He doesn't seem to want to work things out (this is not our only big issue), and I don't feel I should waste my life with someone who is just going to continually treat me like crap. Honestly, my biggest concern is that divorce, between 2 saved people, is a big no-no in God's eyes. The fact that my husband claims to be Christian and throws the Bible in my face every time he thinks it's necessary, and then turns around and does this kind of thing with photos of other women makes it even worse for me. It states in the Bible that looking at other women like this when you are married is not right. It's almost as if he thinks he does no wrong and then he has the gall to basically let someone call me an abomination for being Bisexual and then not only standing up for me as his wife, but pretty much agree with this person with me sitting there.

April 15, 2013 - 6:19pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Tattooed_N_Twisted)

Hi TattooedNTwisted

There is nothing worse than a religious person using so-called rules to advocate their terrible behavior. That goes against everything Jesus taught (and I say this as a non-religious person).

If you are being abused and if you are being cheated on (whether it be a real person, an emotional affair, substituting porn for you, whatever your belief system says) then there is nothing in the bible that states you must stay in an abusive marriage. Your husband abandoned his marriage vows a long time ago.

Don't let religious hypocrites dictate your life . Jesus had no time for them and you shouldn't either.

Best,

Susan

April 16, 2013 - 1:31pm
Tattooed_N_Twisted (reply to Susan Cody)

Thank you for the advice. I think the same thing as you but I wanted someone else's views on it before I made a big decision. I'm just fed up. He ever pretty much forced me to have sex a week and a half or so ago. I said I wan't in the mood, repeatedly, and he wouldn't leave me alone. He tried it again the other morning, before I needed to get up and go to class, and I finally got him to leave me alone...but it took a lot more times of me telling him to stop than I think it should have taken.

Now we are on the verge of being evicted and he is doing nothing. I am a full time college student, and I am looking harder for a job than he is. If we get evicted, I don't know if I will stay where he stays because I kind of am holding him responsible. He has been laid off since September of 2012 and has done hardly anything for looking in comparison to what someone that needs a job should be doing in a 6+ month period of time.

April 25, 2013 - 5:32pm
CLJ

Wow, viewing this & now understanding I'm not the only one who feels inferior is such a relief. I have been with my partner (fiance now) almost 2 years and well since we started seeing each other this material has been creeping up through the cracks since our 3rd month of dating..I have found porn dvd's - porn sites-chatting sites - booklets-images and now a week ago I went on to his internet, simply searching on google bookmark and "hot boobs" porn sites came on the history that had been removed on history but not on google history when you click in the block.. I think it doesn't hurt as much as it used to but has rather disappointed me after I have asked him to stop looking at things like this because it makes me feel uncomfortable. I have been told that I am insecure, a jealous freak and that I create things in my own head. I have accepted this because he says "all men do it"...Till I told him why...I have even considered surgery.. let me explain-you see I have a problem with both breasts and well it's not a major thing, but its embarrassing enough to know I'm not perfectly normal. I have inverted nipples. He knows this as its not easy to hide although sometimes I wish I didn't even have breasts. I know that if I have my breast surgically corrected I'd probably not feel uncomfortable or inferior..He thinks my breasts are perfectly shaped - perky but I think the opposite. So I'm still thinking its me.

March 22, 2013 - 5:44am
mr87

I am having this same issue w. my fiancé. We just had a baby together and last month I found videos of him and a few of his ex's having sex saved in his new email that he forwarded from his old mail. He also had tons of naked photos of girls of all ages and skin tones. And we argued and I wanted to break up but he deleted them and promised to never do it again BUT.. last night he went out w. friends and ignored 38 of my calls within 2 hours. Then he finally picked up and said he was in the car downstairs w. his friend. 30 min passed so I walk downstairs to see him in the car looking at naked pix of women. Then I go thru his phone and find new picx of his Bffs gf naked!!! He's so persevered that he saves pix of anybody's as long aS they're naked!! And his stupid friend had the nerves to send naked pix of his own gf to him. Disrespectful. Idk what to do. I feel like I am not good enough and that he wants to sex other women instead. I am 5'1 and weigh 117 lbs. I don't even look like I have kids. I know my apperance isn't the issue and neither is sex so why can't he stop!!!!????? HELP ME PLEASE SOMEBODY!

February 11, 2013 - 12:31am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I so feel you. My marriage is on the verge of being ended because of thhis issue. My husband saves the pictures on his phone. He said he had deleres them and he lied. He lied to my face even about how the pics got there and tried to tell me he didn't put them there and all this stuff. I found even more new pictures recently. I am to the point i dont want him to even come near me anymore. It hurts i know. Just know you are not alone

February 5, 2013 - 1:40am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

For the sake of a bit of balance ... I guess I'm just a lucky man, never had hassle from my wife over my looking at porn, masturbating when she's not in the mood or whatever. Aside from checking out what I'm looking at once or twice out of curiosity, she's not that interested in pictures, has been known to watch movies with me though (average of a couple of times a year I guess). For me looking at porn is part sensual and part sexual, I know I'm sometimes turned on by it but the feeling is sometimes more akin to when I'm looking at a favourite view or seeing a great work of art. Don't know that that's the case for other men, but one or two comments I've seen elsewhere makes me think that it's particularly the case for those of us treating it as a hobby.

We've been together since 1984. I've never been so much as tempted by another woman. Oh, and she works whilst I look after house and child - so I'm not exactly pulling some kind of macho act! Why is this ok and why does it work? First, the porn never replaces the real relationship, it is dangerous when it gets to the point of addiction but I'm not sure all the men accused of porn addiction are addicted - some are, but I suspect some just like it. Secondly, I've always shown her a pile of respect and given her tons of support for things she wants to do and achieve, she is the most important thing in my life. Third, she hasn't asked me to 'give it up' - which really is just asking me to go against my nature, so either I'd end up not having porn but having fantasies about (say) a neighbour (dangerous) - or simply hiding it, feeling guilty even if she didn't find out.

Two final thoughts, this first can apply to a lot of things not just this. You could say 'if he loves me enough, he'll give it up'. So ok, but you know he likes it, so if you love him enough, then you'll let him look at porn when he wants to. And around we go, on a circular argument.

And finally - best solution - judge him on how he treats you and other women. If you like what you see, the porn doesn't matter, stick with him. And if you don't like what you see, whether he stops looking at porn or not - ditch him.

October 11, 2012 - 4:25am
SimoneA43 (reply to Anonymous)

I must say I understand and respect your honest feedback. This is very true. Even though I have some problems with mine which initially brought me to this forum you do have some valid points. My issue is not so much that he watches the porn but his non interest in being intimate with me. He seems so fascinated by the virtual world yet if I wear something sexy or want sex regularly he thinks something is wrong with me or complains how we can't get through a show without me reaching for him or that I have a one track mind and then does not compliment me when i do look great yet compliments friends and neighbours' wives or seems very interested in bb convos with complete strangers, women who by the way talk about sex and their toys all the time. To me this is sad seems wrong.

February 5, 2013 - 5:34am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Karma,

If you have not already, leave him. He is intentionally pushing you to make you back down on the issue. That is not healthy for you, or for a relationship, for someone to be constantly challenging for top dog position. I'd say he has emotional issues relating to women that have not been properly addressed and that he should see a psychologist about it. The masturbating in bed with you next to him is again, him trying to show you he is the boss and that he is sexually frustrated. It's another power play, and quite frankly is disrespectful!

I know this because I am male and stumbled on this looking for something completely different but felt compelled to comment.

Now, regarding the viewing of pornography and saving pictures. In the mind of a male this is not a disrespectiful action. Males gain the great majority of sexual stimulation from visual, touch and auditory senses. I have had to show my fiance actual academic proof before she would believe me about that, and it is a fundemental difference between the sexes. We have been together for two years.

I pose this question to all of the commentors, how many of you have read the 50 Shades series? In many mens minds, that represents the same difficult situation that porn does for women.

There is a mindset here that can be changed regarding pornography for both sexes, and that is that it does not represent a lack of interest in your partner, rather that it is a tool we use to excite ourselves. Our brains are addicted to the feeling of being excited sexually, and that is something that developed to ensure we reproduce.

Just a comment for everyones reference. If you see your partner looking at pornography, don't lose it and stomp off. Get involved and draw him away from it. If getting physical won't draw him away from the porn then there really is a problem that needs to be addressed. And if there is a reason that you don't want to get involved, again that may be a problem that needs to be addressed.

I sincerely hope that you are able to find peace with this issue Karma. He sounds like a POS, but I'm judging a person here based on too little.

September 12, 2012 - 11:42pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Karma, maybe you didn't read my post because there are soo many of us with this problem. I am still married to my porn/sex addict. I never feel really truly secure in my marriage. And I still find out he looks at stuff. Now he's smarter...uses his iPad because you can delete the history and it's untraceable. (Ladies watch out for that trick... flaw in the product. Many kids are using it for the same purpose and parents can't do anything unless they set a password. Anyway, we've done it all, private counseling, sex therapy, leaving each other, etc... Before we were married we split up for 2 months. And we did just like you...occasional dinner, he was always calling and saying nice things, but I found out he was sleeping around too. Nevertheless, when he proposed I said yes under many conditions, one being that the internet was out of the picture. Karma, here I am 2 years later still struggling with the same thing!!! If you can't deal with it or accept it...LEAVE AND DON'T LOOK BACK!!! I gave him a second, third, fourth chance only for me to be "stuck on stupid". I love him, but this is crazy. That men can't or don't want to try to understand or care about how it hurts their partner is absolutely insane.

Be good to yourself! Feel strength in yourself! Choose your men wisely, and recognize that 99% of men at one time or another look at porn. Some like it more than other's. Some are addicted. Know your potential mate, take your time to find out what is really behind those closed doors.

A wise friend told me that you truly know how a man will treat you after 6 months and she has yet to be proven wrong. At my 6 month mark, I found out he was dating another woman even after I asked if he was, because I didn't want to get entangled in a mess. After 6 months of marriage, I again found the porn and Craigslist issue. And of course all the times between...promises broken, trust destroyed. Now I'm married to a wonderful man and a monster addiction that hurts me daily.
Don't do that to yourself!
My therapist says it's like an alcohol addiction. Unless he goes through tremendous amounts of therapy and makes a commitment to a group/therapist it's inevitable that he will fall off the wagon. Like a drink to an alcoholic, it is an addiction that makes them feel good. Why would they totally give it up, and hiding it increases the rush of adrenaline - making it even better.
Don't give him the greatness in you... think of it this way... if he can't change then he needs to move on because this is your world... he's just taking up your space and breathing your air!!

June 4, 2012 - 2:34pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

long story buy highlights!!! I know first hand, I met someone on line after my husband died,it was just for talk and to help with the loneliness , well friended several other men and I had made it clear would not meet anyone untill the 1 yr, out of respect and love for my husband. well 2 of the frinds were to be in my city after talking for 2 months, (my husband had been gone 8 months before I got online,) so I agreed to meet them ,and since I was interested in the guy who lived and worked in same city as me wanted to meet him first, so I did , we hit it off, we have mostly been togeter since, , it had been 10 months since my husband had passed away, 11 months before making love with new man. now a yr laterwith him (2 yrs since husband passed), he has told me I am the love of his life, he wants needs and loves me, well you get the picture, he does so many things to back up his words, but he has flirted on line behind my back, I always find out and not by snooping , anyway I had told him how much that hurt me, I also said he could do whatevr he wanted I was not trying to control him but MY man, I would not tolerate that,and if he wanted more he should be honest cuase I could have more too, so he had a choice , he wanted to me my man or he didn't, he was sorry made promises wanted me ! things were so good and I truley thought I had the fairytale only to find out he was talking sex online and exchanging naked crotch shots with her,and lying to my face, I was done with him, but I loved him so much, he begged promised , gave me access to all put one e-mail acct, ??? and his actions all say he loves me and realizes he made a big mistake, but I have this little voice that keeps saying yes he loves you cares and wants you but he will never change and he most likely has things hidden so you can't find and most likely in the acct he won;t let you see, (he says legal reasons, but he also says he trust me with his very life!!!??) So what do I do???? trust him or cut him loose???

June 1, 2012 - 8:19am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

CUT HIM LOOSE CAUSE IT WILL BE A LIE ANOTHE
ANOTHER OVER AND OVER YOU CANT TRUST HIM THERES NO TELLING ON WHAT ELSE HES KEEPING FROM YOU.

February 5, 2013 - 12:46am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

I'm sorry you lost your husband, that must have been very difficult for you.

I do think that you must be "snooping" somewhat to find all this information out. I think you don't want to admit it because having to snoop on a partner is degrading and shouldn't be necessary.

Any relationship where each needs access to each others emails etc - all but one in his case, which is very telling, shows that there is no trust. He could have a hundred email accounts you don't know about - you'd be amazed what people can hide, and right under your nose.

Where there is no trust, there is no relationship. Sex-talk and swapping crotch shots with another woman shows he's clearly not committed to you, no matter what he says or how nicely he treats you. It's unlikely he's going to stop. You have to accept this or move on without him. A mistake is throwing something out accidently or having a fender bender in a parking lot. Secret email accounts and secret relationships with others are not mistakes, they are well thought out choices that he wouldn't have stopped but has (for now) only because he got caught.

Ask yourself what you would tell a girlfriend in the same situation?

Best,

~Susan

June 1, 2012 - 11:40am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)

Thank you, and yes it was hard to lose my husband, I got it right with him, he was my best friend, my lover , he was true and loyal to me, and I know that for a fact cause I had to clean evrything out and go through all his files (he owned a bussiness)and he was a second husband and he did have locked files,LOL I wondered but did not snopp or lose sleep and choise to trust him, there was not one tiny little peice of his past or anything to suggest he was ever unfaithful, I know he had a past , he said when he met me I was the one he had waited his life for!! and the past just prepared him to be the best for me!!and he had left the past behind and I was his future Never gonna find another like him!!!and just so you know the woman he was exchangeing the e-mails and chats and pic's sent them to me!!!?? not sure who did it he said one of my friends set him up?? if so they have not said so!!but someone wanted to out him!!! and the flirting stuff was on a site we are both on and from his"friends" I am old fashion, I believe if in a commented relationship there are certain things you should not do or say even if out in the open out of respect for the other!! yes I would tell a girldfriend, cut him loose , learn from it , and you are right if you can't trust someone , there is no relationship, and you only make yourself sick worring all the time!! He makes a much better friend than love/boyfriend!!

June 3, 2012 - 10:40am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I too have had the same problem he delees the stuff for me to turn around and find that its bookmarked in his phone I too have expressed my feelings of disrespect and hurt but weve been together for almost four years and have an amzing lil boy I find myself stuck bc I cant bare to think of my lil boy hatinf me for breaking up his family. Thats why I stay. Our love life sucks. He wont touch me! I dont know what to.do.

February 19, 2012 - 1:51pm
RKelly

I've been in somewhat that situation. I knew about my husbands struggle with porn before we married, but I don't think it bothered me as much then because we were having sex consistently. Days after we were married though, I would get home to a completely locked house, and I found out he was downloading porn and masturbating to it, yet we weren't having sex. He blamed it on the fact that I was upset, which I don't believe because he's attempted to initiate sex on other occasions when Ive been upset. He said he would stop. On one occasion I walked onto the balcony and noticed he was hidinghiding his phone so I asked him what's up and he said he was just texting his friend. Minutes later it came out he was looking up sex real dolls. After this lie, my trust was extremely broken and I was constantly suspicious. I checked his computer and constantly brought porn up when I was upset. The hardest thing for me now is that on the day before my birthday, he decided to get drunk, which is another addiction that he struggles with. We got into a loud argument, which is consistent when alcohol is involved. The porn issue came up, I stomped off to bed. I awoke the next day (my birthday) got on the computer, and was heartbroken and horrified to find that during the night, he had downloaded numerous rape porn videos. I asked him about it and first he denied it and said he didn't know, then that he didn't remember, then he said that he did it because he actually wanted to get off (he has issues getting and maintaining an erection and reaching orgasm) and this really cut me because I have felt inadequate to please him when these things happen and I get angry that I've found socks with sperm), and he also partially blamed it on me staying that since I was always accusing him if doing it (I don't think I was accusing him, checking his computer is holding him accountable to his promise and me being suspicious about it constantly as part if the territory that comes with him lying to me about it more than once, even after interventions), he might as well do it. This hurt me so much that even on my birthday I wasn't good enough :'( I feel like he did it intentionally but he says no. I'm not sure though because we've had that same argument numerous times, yet on my birthday is when he decided to leave that porn there for me to find. I feel that every birthday from now on us ruined because I will always remember that one which us the first of mine we shared together. I'm at the point where I feel like I'll never please him or satisfy him sexually. He says porn both comforts and excites him and it makes me feel like my body and sex don't do either for him :( He tells me that I'm beautiful and sexy but its hard to believe that he really thinks that. I used to love my body, I loved walking around the house naked, now I hardly do that and when I do, it has to be when he's not there. I've lost some weight and am trying to lose more, and I'm saving up money to get breast implants. I don't know what else I can do to please him and I've asked him what I can do but he ignores that question. I'm so sad and lost :(

February 19, 2012 - 11:37am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

It's totally sad that these men carry on like there innocent. My husband of 11 years has just for the past 6month been saving nude porn images of chicks, going on wacked ass porn site's. He knows I'm furious, agreed to earse them. But yes only to see that in his phone browser there are bookmarks of porn site after porn site. I never use to mind us looking at them together, but when it became a him thing and not a we thing I was hurt. Now I'm struggling with just holding on. What for let him have the porn site. After all he won't stop

February 19, 2012 - 5:17am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Hi guys, this is truly an interesting forum. I have been seeing my boyfriend now for over 2 years and living together almost as long. IN the beginning things were great. Soon after though (just 2 months) he no longer wanted me in a sexual manner. Sex soon went from everyday to once a week, then once every 2 weeks, then once every 3 weeks now a month will pass and he does not ever come onto me. If I initiate things he would go through with it but many a time as soon as he reaches orgasm I am left on my own to finish by myself as he falls to sleep. He is constantly on fb, twitter, bbm and tubmlr and is always sending message to women telling them how awesome their pics are etc. I have even caught him watching porn on television while I slept even though he does not seem to be aroused while doing so. He is also into photography and loves taking pics of women and sharing with the guys. He is always looking at pornographic pics of women and when I ask him about it he says he is an artist and just enjoys looking at them but is not aroused by them, I told him I find it strange since I love sex so much and want it all the time but it seems he is never into it and would never make the first move for it unless I do. I also asked him if he was not attracted to me anymore and he said he loves me and finds me very sexy. I am so fed up and emotionally drained right now it is driving me crazy.

October 14, 2011 - 1:24pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I have just broken up with my partner of six years because I cannot accept his need to masturbate over porn and images of other women. I have just had a baby, she is now 4 months old, I have been extremely ill with mental health problems and cannot take the stress of living with a partner that does this. I actually find the porn less upsetting than the masturbation over other women, when it was the porn his excuse was he enjoyed watching the act of sex, but I am unable to understand why he has to go on the adult channels on sky and get off on watching scantily clad women just laying there, I find this soul destroying. He has watched it online, on telly, and when I was in the psychiatric ward 8 months pregnant with his baby he even watched it on his phone round his mothers house. He says he averages masturbating over this smut about 3 times a week and sometimes he does it in his lunch hour too when I am not home. He has lied about his use of it over and over again. Porn is not harmless, for the first time in my life I have become ashamed of my body, I also cannot give myself sexually to a man who can come over practically any woman, it does not make me feel special. It has destroyed our relationship.

August 25, 2011 - 12:49am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

The idea that he can get off from any woman is exactly how I feel. My fiance and I have been together for 2 years. At first I thought it was just the occasional saved picture but recently I found out that he has video of himself and his ex (of 6 years) having sex. to me, that is crossing a line. I love him and he treats me really well, our sex life is great, but why would he keeled saved video of his ex and hundreds of pictures of other women naked? I just don't feel special anymore, I feel like just another woman, nothing of real value. :-(

October 11, 2011 - 12:22pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

A video of his ex and him having sex, no question, that is DEFINITELY crossing the line!! You must feel like absolute s**t. *hugs* Here for a chat if you want some support xx

October 12, 2011 - 12:46am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

Thanks for your post and I'm sorry he has chosen his wants over your needs. Porn does not destroy the lives of all who watch it but I agree that when it becomes an addiction (like any addiction, really) that is can and does. It's a shame you'll have to be connected to him for life due to your baby together (and congrats on your new baby, I hope you are feeling much better now) but you are doing the right thing for you and your child so he/she does not grow up with that kind of destruction in his/her life.

Please know that we are always here for support!
Best,
~Susan

August 25, 2011 - 8:27am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I can understand why you feel the way you do. The issue though is with him and what he feels are his needs. As hard as it is to understand, it really has nothing to do with you, the frequency that you have sex with him, or your availability for him. It is an additional outlet over and above the frequency of sex. Masturbation has been a pleasurable activity for him ever since he was a young boy. It's not cheating. It's not that he has any preference for any other woman than you. It's just a way to round out his sexual needs without cheating with another woman. Most men don't admit how often they do it due to embarassment. They are embarassed at having pictures of other women around. They may get mad when they get caught masturbating, or reprimanded more out of shame and embarassment than true anger. Inside, they do feel some shame about it. Understand it for what it is and don't ruin an otherwise good relationship because of it.

February 10, 2011 - 2:44pm
ennairb

Maybe you should try spicing things up? Try something new.. I know my boyfriend and I have tried having sex while watching porn.. It give them the best of both worlds in a way haha. I dont mind it kinda gets me in the mood too.

February 2, 2011 - 3:20pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

me and my fiance af a year and a half have actually been together for five years. my problem is similiar. i wake up in the middle of the night to catch him jerking off to internet porn. most of the time i tell him i dont like it and he gets angry with me. he says, "well atleast im not cheating." this is true. im glad he ismt cheating. but when he has the sexdrive to jerk off more then once a week and even at work i become frustrated due to the fact that he wont have sex with me for five or six days. i actually cought him last night and he had the nerve to tell me that, "all men like a veriety." how in the world is that supposed to make me feel? disgusted by the answer my future husband of "forever" says to me i cry. alone. no comfort. no apology. the next morning, like everytime, he acts like it didnt happen. i have the feeling i should leave him for this has happened several times. what shoul i do???

February 2, 2011 - 2:59pm
Dyhann

Karma, just my opinion as I am going through kind of the same thing except with my husband it is not just pictures of women, it is chatting sites, video cams and in one instance a hookup which he says is completely innocent, but do what your heart tells you to do. Some people can and will change,others will not and trust me, if you decide to stay it will take you a very very long time to trust him again, everytime he is not around you, you will be wondering and worrying about what he is up to. Good luck in whatever you choose and take care

February 2, 2011 - 2:54am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I hope things have improved in these 8 months(since the first time you commented)..take care and God Bless!

February 1, 2011 - 4:09pm
ennairb

Even after all that your still with him? that is a huge red flag hun... I would not wait a second to leave..

February 1, 2011 - 11:57am
mandapanda0713

My boyfriend has this same issue and yes sometimes it is miserable. He has been addicted to everything you can think of and it has gotten him into some major trouble. He's working on it and i can see a difference in him as well as our relationship. He's getting his priorities straight, but its not an overnight fix. And it never completely goes away.

Each of you need to put in as much as the other in your relationship. You both have to realize that it isnt easy on either one of you. Talk to eachother about how you feel. Dont hold it in because you will find yourself having the same arguments over and over getting worse everytime. Tell him you're still hurting and ask what he plans on doing to make sure this time around it doesnt end the same and hold him accountable to it.

Addictive personalities are inherited. Chances are his dad was addicted to something, whether it be porn, drugs, alcohol, food or whatever. See if you can find out how his dad may have coped from his addiction. Find something positive he can get involved with or addicted to, maybe excersize or church or a hobby of some sort.

Hope this helps! Take care and God bless!

January 23, 2011 - 9:56pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Hi Karma,

As the wife of a recovering Porn/love/sex addict there are a few things I recognised in your experience that mirror my own journey. Let me begin with the important fact that it is a very real addiction and that help IS available both for yourself and (if he chooses help) for him. Most people with this addiction use it in much the same way as alcoholics and drug addicts and gambling and food addicts behave to avoid reality and manage their emotions. He was like this before you ever met him. It is NOTHING to do with you. You cannot CONTROL it. You cannot CHANGE it. You cannot CURE it. It is not yours to do these things with. It is not YOUR problem. Its his problem.

Firstly ask yourself why you are not choosing someone who loves and adores and cherishes you for the wonderful partner that you are. Dont you deserve better? As other posters have said, you are young. You have only invested one year in it and you have no children. I was 17 when I met my husband and 25 before I became aware of this problem, he hid it incredibly well at first until the disease progressed and he started getting sloppy with the evidence and I started getting suspicious and snooping. I suffered hell thinking (as you do) that "he mustn't love me, if he did he wouldn't do this." I put on weight as a defense mechanism to make him less sexually attracted to me because I was disgusted by what I saw as his choice of these porn women over me. He would act out. I would discover evidence. He would be defensive. I would argue him into submission. He would cry and say he couldn't help it. I would feel sorry for him. He would make promises not to do it again. He would break these promises by acting out again. And on and on the cycle went for years. I was miserable.

Eventually I got the message through to him that his behaviour was following the pattern of an addiction and he got help in SLAA. (Google it and you can buy a copy of their book!) He was one of the very few genuine and lucky guys out there. I do disagree though that 99.9% of men are like this. Most guys masturbate as do most women, but not to the extent that it damages their relationships and lives and bodies. That is addiction at work. Any man that tells you that all men do it to that extent is an addict trying to worm his way into a quiet life with you.
Finally I cannot tell you what to do in your own situation. But I can tell you that I am 38 now, we have sexual sobriety in the house with about 6 years. I only married him 4 years ago and we now have 2 gorgeous children whom he adores. I am blissfully happy. Having a daughter has radically changed his views on the supposed "harmlessness" of the choices of women in the porn industry. He would not want his daughter involved in it. and yet for all my happiness, if I were 21 again... and knew then what I know now I would run like hell and find myself a man that would roll in ecstasy at my feet and worship me for the fantastic woman I am. Dont get me wrong.... my husband does worship me now, but the journey to here was hellishly long and difficult and I could not recommend it. I have had recovery friends along the way whose husbands didnt make it. I had one friend who committed suicide over this. It is not something for the faint hearted. The vast majority of people with this addiction either never seek recovery, or pretend to seek recovery, or seek it with only the aim of getting you off of their back and limiting the damage. My husband knows plenty of people who relapse because they are really not ready to let this behaviour go from their lives and learn how to cope like a normal functioning adult.

I will suggest some things. for your safety and that of your emotional wellbeing. 1. Set boundaries and stick to them. If you are uncomfortable with him acting out while you sleep nearby, tell him so. Decide on a consequence and enforce it if he breaches your trust. 2. Both go get tested for STDs. You do not know and cannot trust his word as to the extent of this addiction in him. 3.Tell yourself that this is his stuff, not yours and get on with your life regardless of whether you choose to stay or go.
If you decide to stay be sure to seek help for yourself to cope. We are out there, it's just that we are afraid and ashamed of people not understanding so we do not broadcast our presence. But we are there. Where I live everyone automatically assumes that if your husband is a sex addict that he is a child abuser. (He is not, he is a good man, who formed an association between stress relief and sexual relief to sexual imagery during adolescence which he took to extremes to manage his unmanageble life. Your man is probably a good man too. But he is in the control of an addiction and does not know how to get out.)
I wish you well in your journey whatever you choose. xxx
J.

January 17, 2011 - 3:32pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

J

You have given some of the best advice we've had regarding this topic. Thank you for helping our members in such a practical but compassionate way. I'm glad your life is now the one you always wanted even though it was hard road to get there.

Our best to you,
Susan

January 19, 2011 - 12:34pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I feel for all of you in that situation. I've been in that situation to and recently have found my self in it again. I've been with my fiance for 5 years now, and ive always known he liked porn, cause all guys do. But, a year or two ago he started wanting me to do things to him while he watched it, and on a couple occassions wanted to have sex while he watched it, but covered my face. I was not ok with this and made sure he knew about it. For a while he was just like "well i like porn, so deal with it"! I considered ending it, but he apologized for doing all of that stuff, so i didnt. I bought a brand new laptop a few months ago, and told him not to look up anything dirty on my laptop because it was strictly for school, expensive, and i wanted to keep it clean. Well, recently I was searching for something on google, and a girls name popped up in my search history. After checking my "deleted temp file" I found that he has been looking up naked girls, and dirty movies on my laptop. When I confronted him about it, he denied it, and said i was trying to act like his mother. Is it wrong for me to want the people who may use my laptop to respect what i ask them to not do on it?? Especially when I'm the one that paid for it??

January 17, 2011 - 2:43pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I should also add that he is the only person besides me that has any access to my laptop at all, and i obviously didnt look it up.

January 17, 2011 - 2:45pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

my ex-boyfriend was very similar. it makes me sad and i stopped loving him because of it. it makes me sadder knowing most, if not all, guys are like this. i think i'd be happier just single.
the hypocritical thing is that when i was in a swimsuit photoshoot, he blew up on me about it... i'd stopped loving him by then after being hurt and crying too much from that sort of thing. happening again and again despite me telling him (or that he should know without having to be told) how much it just DOWNRIGHT HURT.
i hope you are okay, girl. i hope you are happy.

October 23, 2010 - 1:38am
rala

Karma, it's Rala from a previous post a while ago. I too have decided to stay with my boyfriend and we've gone through a period of intense change and he is porn free and still in therapy for it. While he was learning how to abstain and have a healthier, happier life I was right with him - for a while. Then a wall started slowly building in my mind that was made of his betrayal and lies from the past. I've never experienced anger like this before in my life and have always considered myself a calm, loving, compassionate person. At times my anger has erupted into something that makes me feel uncontrollable, and completely unrecognizable as the loving, happy person I'm used to being.

I'm not in the position to pay for therapy right now so I've had to do a lot of research on my own. Sadly, there's not a lot of education available for partners of people who have sexually compulsive (or addictive, whichever term you want to use) behaviors that damage relationships. What I've found most helpful is books by counselors and psychologists who are starting to realize that partners are suffering from trauma as a result of sexual betrayal. If you've looked around for help I'm betting you found the same thing I did: leading psychologists and counselors who jump quickly to label partners as "coaddicts," which tends to place more blame on people like you and me, claiming that we subconsciously made choices to be with the men we're with because of our family histories or adult patterns of abusive relationships. Personally, I found that offensive and far from any point of therapy that I need to be involved in right now. So I dug a little deeper. That's when I found books and discussions on post traumatic stress disorder and psychologists who compare treating partners of addicts to victims of intense psychological trauma. That explained my inability to keep imaged from popping into my head at any moment, my intense withdrawal from anything that reminded me of his betrayal (these are defined as "triggers"), my nightmares in which i relive his betrayals, and my seemingly uncontrollable anger.

Unfortunately, the idea of treating people who have been betrayed sexually as sufferers of PTSD is a relatively new concept. I do encourage you to do some research though, because information is out there, and it has been invaluable for me to know that I am not alone in this suffering. I would list specific books in this post that I suggest but I think they will be deleted by the server. I'm not saying that just because I can read about professionals opinions that I'm miraculously better now, because I'm not. I'm only a little closer to the state of recovery I'd like to find myself in one day. What I have gained, though, are tools to guide me there, and professional opinions to cite to my boyfriend to help him understand that this isn't just me going crazy and that he has a lot to work through because of what he's done. It has also helped me remain steadfast in my respect for my self, MY needs, and MY desires for this relationships.

Things like this don't just disappear, and as much as I've loved being a forgiving person in the past, the more I'm learning how hard it really is to forgive when someone close to you wrongs you so deeply. If you can't handle him looking at pornography at all, don't be ashamed of your need to have complete and total commitment. Don't sacrifice your needs anymore for someone who has blatantly ignored your needs in the past. If he loves you, if he really wants you, he'll abstain.

I really wish you the best, and hope this helps you. Take care of yourself and don't betray yourself by sacrificing any of your needs, especially at such a pivotal time.

October 2, 2010 - 10:09am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to rala)

Hello,
how amazing it was to read your story. I would love to talk to you. I went through a six year relationship with a porn addict and am working on healing. It sounds like you could point me in the right direction.

January 30, 2013 - 1:08am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Hey Karma,first of all-it feels great to be of be of help to you and you are most welcome=).

Karma,id first like to tell you that Life HAS to be full of ups and downs. Think bout it like ups wudnt really be ‘ups’ if there weren’t those downs before. It is only when u have terrible horrible times(downs) that you have the crazily happy moments(ups) later,when u sort out ur issues. You cant always be happy,if u were then it wudnt be a very special feeling because it wud be like any other normal thing in ur life tht happens everyday. Its in a very minute way related to delay of gratification. You feel SOO very special today,but this wud be a normal feeling if u felt like tht 4 the hole past year. So definitely there are gonna be more downs in ur relationship and be ready 4 them but more than that,look forward to the ups you’ll have after u sort those issues out=). So dunt regret the past and live in the moment and look forward to the future=). Give it sometime and talk to him about it,there is no point in just ‘pretending’ to forget it when its actually always at the back of ur head. If u say tht u both r different people and thts y ur loving it then tht shows tht he has made the move and changed,its now ur turn. And your probably scared that you may be hurt again cause it surely cant be tht u are ‘maybe’ seeing signs of him repeating it because signs r specific,u r either seeing signs or ur not..it cant be a maybe. And make ur time so special with him that you don’t have to regret it later,make it a relationship tht later u feel “damn its over,but im glad it happened,cuz the times I spent with him are way mor precious than this sadness now cuz anything with him is better than nothing”.

He cares bout u and thts y he got back to you,so toking to him wunt really be like talking to a brick wall..tell him how u feel and tell him that even though u want to get over the past just as much as he does,its going to take a while- and tell him in a way tht he feels tht he was so very terrible to u so even if u talking bout it now hurts him a little bit its okay. As I said before,dunt pretend to forget it..but tok 2 him about it and tell him again how much it really hurt u and definitely try making him feel a little more guilty,cuz tht way he’ll actually feel tht wat he did was unacceptable and hed never wanna hurt u again. Tell him ull definitely forget it once u both have spoken about it enough and sorted the issues but again remember tht its the past and theres not much to really ‘sort’ other than his guilt 4 it,and assurance of never doing it again.

More than It all just pray,meditate,have faith and relax. It aint all tht bad u noe,if u stay with him,love him to the fullest but don’t be dependant on him cuz thts when it hurts,ur a good person and gud things will happen to you-just as your name suggests=)

Hope I helped again,and hope it wasn’t a pain to read such a loooong message=)=P..take care and good luck=)

P.S- I know it feels like it was all his fault before ur break up cuz he apologised and all of tht but think over it again. Does it really matter if he watches porn?as long as he watches it in a limit and doesn’t masturbate next to you in bed? If so then let him know about it,he’ll feel more loved and know that you never had a problem with him,but with his habits..He’ll hopefully respect you for who YOU are..and not care about such silly things when it comes to you=)..Good Luck again Karma=)

August 30, 2010 - 8:24am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Not sure why this one and the last one came up as anonymous..but it was me..Karma..

August 29, 2010 - 9:21pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Hey guys!
Thank you so much for your input... I have really been thinking about the part where you both said about the scars remaining for the passed couple days, and your right. To be honest, we have been really great ever since the initial "break up." I really think that both of us have changed a lot, which has bettered the relationship in sooo many ways. I feel like we have become different people together, and that's what makes us so happy. However, I am really starting to realize how much bad memories can creep up on you. Ever since we decided to try again, I somehow managed to push all of that in the back of my mind so that we could start over, with a fresh clean slate so that fights couldn't be started from previous events, but I am now finding that harder and harder. I find myself all the time now laying in bed thinking about certain things that he did in the past that literally tore me to pieces, and honestly I think it hurts me more now to think about them. I really do want to block all of it out, because I know bringing up the past is going to ruin what we have built now, but I can't help but want to talk about it. He on the other hand strongly wants to forget about all of the bad times that we had, and enjoy our new bond that we've created, so trying to tell him how I feel about those events is like talking to a brick wall. I don't know why it is all creeping up on me now tho? Is it because I am becoming terrified that I'll be heart broken again? or maybe that I am starting to notice signs again? I have no idea.. but it is starting to turn me back into the hurt, unhappy girl that I used to be in our "old relationship" and I really don't want to be that girl again. I feel like I am seeing it all worse now because I am comparing it to what we have now, and it is making me angry that I went through an entire year of pretty much hell...when all along, it could have been more like what we have now. I just seriously don't know if these scars will ever fade, and I don't know what to do about it! I really wish I could forgive and forget..but the thought of it right now seems impossible, but I also really don't want to lose what we have now.. what do I do?

August 29, 2010 - 9:18pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

To the Anonymous post on July 12th, I am a guy and i completely agree with the previos post however,as said above,if the scars will remain then please have the courage to let go,i understand you love him and all of that but love yourself girl! i mean,i noe its so very difficult but im sure if u talk he'd understand.

To you,Karma and Rala its just that they might be a little immature (atleast karma's guy) and sometimes people like doing things when they are restricted to just like kids,so maybe you'll talking to them about it will surely help and things aren't all tht bad,wht matters is the want to change,if they dunt want to then try understanding them if u cant i think u shud break up,but if they want to change but just too addicted to help it then talk bout it and tell him ur okay with him watching once in a while but if u gonna go on his laptop and delete everything then thts not kewl cuz even thu hes not gonna ending up watching it hes always going to 'want to' and the trust in ur relationship will just be messed up..so if he wants to talk!! or go 2 hypnotherapists(this stuff really helps) Good luck again and take care,really hope i helped=)

August 16, 2010 - 9:53am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Hey Karma,
I'm a guy and personally im not addicted to porn at all but a lot of my friends are. However,id suggest you talk things out with him,think of it like this,yea agreed he was pathetic to you and all of that but he more like took advantage of you always being with you,the second you broke up..he realised your importance and got back to you,if he can do so much try doing a little from your side,ask urself if you'll be okay with him watching porn but not letting it affect ur sex life,if he can watch porn only when he wants to and can control his desire and not be controlled himself by such stuff. Maybe he really wants you cuz u mean much more to him than all of tht,and honestly speaking even people who watch a lot of porn tend to have a lot of sex and more than usual normally because fantasizing isn't the end,they like trying such stuff for in real. So i dunt noe,i aint too experienced myself but i guess u CAN give him the benefit of the doubt.

However,if you can stay without him and if you think tht the scars will always remain and u can never 4get it ALL then let go of it and try being there for each other until ur over each other. Gud luck=)

August 16, 2010 - 9:44am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Internet Porn Addiction is an addiction. I may be the only guy here, but it is not a world conducive to not being sexually aroused by women, The advertising industry has created images of sexy women that we men are constantly drawn to, and the more drawn we are the more money they make and the further we drift from seeing women in non-sexual ways...Guess what ladies, when you aspire to be drooled after and dress the same way as these ads, we are also getting your tacit approval that the imagery of women as sexual objects or at least that which is of a sexualized nature is good and healthy. We get embossed with these relationships and sooner of later our constant attraction to women based only on their looks takes hold. Internet imagery is just taking that to the extreme.

July 19, 2010 - 10:32pm
Hope F. Me (reply to Anonymous)

Your response really hit hard with me. This is what I think the internet is doing. It's ruining relationships and giving men the idea that all women should be looked at in the same way. It makes men think that women behave the way these women on the porn sites behave... but in reality - it's a lie. These women/girls are being PAID to act this way. Once they are done with the shoot they just want to take their money and run to the next shoot, the shower, or their man. I don't know of any women that really want to be treated like they are a "dirty little ...." in bed, and if they do say that then either more power to her or she's got some things to deal with herself.
My marriage is in destruction mode right now because I first caught him contacting people on Craigslist and setting up meetings. I got him to stop that with a lot of talking, arguing, and counseling. Now, when ever he's home alone he spends anywhere from 2-4 hours surfing instead of working harder on his job, then takes off for lunch, and finally Happy Hours. (He has a home based sales job, but leaves for appointments.)
I know how long he does it because we had an agreement where I could check his computer to make sure he wasn't contacting other women, but when I saw all the porn - it was just as bad! Now he won't let me anywhere near the computer and says I'm just nosey, it's his privacy, and he wants his anonimity and that he won't be my eunich. The porn really is a turn off and I love to have sex with my husband... of couse when I'm not tired after working 40+ hours week, cleaning the house, and making dinner - but by then he's given up hope.
On Friday we had a major blow up... somehow he broke his finger, and I am bruised from trying to keep him from leaving the house (he had 4 margaritas at dinner and I didn't want him to drive drunk). He left the house yesterday, only to return very late and I slept on the couch. Today he left at 8am and didn't tell me where he's going. I know he has some underlying issues but he never continued therapy because he was too sensitive to being called a "Sex Addict".
What am I supposed to do? Luckily we have no children together but my 11 yo has come to accept him and his children me. I moved miles away from home to be a part of his family and have left my friends and family behind. Where I live now, I really have no friends to socialize with and I'm almost scared to because I feel like it would conflict with spending time with my "needy" (as his mother calls him) husband.
Other than this we have a really wonderful life - like I mean 97% perfect. Same dreams, hopes, aspirations, and we really elevate each other to be positive when we're down. However, when this comes up we are complete opposites.
I look around the house and think this is not the way a marriage should be. Isn't he supposed to respect how I feel about this and curb his "appetite" for porn? Does every man feel this strongly about porn that they would be willing to leave their wives for it? Am I supposed to stop caring about what I feel so strongly against to have a happy marriage? I thought there was supposed to be compromise - not all his way or now way?

January 29, 2012 - 10:56am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

You have given him so many chances already my dear, just now he just having fun without all the commitment and you agree to it. Stop while you are at it and don't fall for it, you will end up hurting yourself at the end. Trust he will be good like that for about two months and fall back to his old habits, you will however do good for both of you by walking away knowing that deep within you deserved something better. He needs to learn his lesson and by losing you maybe that is the only way he might learn it. Who cares..you need to do you right now and go with your gut..many times you have told him and many times he did nothing but lies.

I am in a situation right now, and went online to search..and guess what I came across your post. My is the worse, he saved over 30 copies of naked pictures of his coworker, the slut that he has been chatting with. I don't know how to confronted him anymore, i am tire as I have confronted him in many other wrong doing. I confronted him 16 times for having a myspace and chatting with other women and just found out he has a new one. Its dragging on for more than three years now..I still grieve...I feel sad that I can't walk away..i hope you have the courage to let go.

July 12, 2010 - 10:46pm
Karma

Hey guys!
So sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your comments. Thank you so much for everything that you said, I took them into huge consideration, and in-turn it has left me with a very difficult passed month. Literally the following day after my post, we broke up. I guess I had just simply had enough. Your comments made me want to be strong and walk completely away from it, which I did. It has been the most difficult last few weeks I have ever encountered in my life though...and I'd like to see what your thoughts are on my current situation. After breaking up, we were both quite content with the situation because we both realized how unhappy we had both been for so long, and how we should have broke it off months ago. The break up was really rough, but actually ended in an all nighter, about 6 hour conversation between the two of us. We got to talking about everything that had happened to us and began to say things that we never would before, actually TALKED to each other for once in our relationship, and started to really see who each of us really are. It was an extremely emotional night, as we started to realize that if we had just been honest with each other, and said all those words before, that we probably could have created something amazing.. So here is my current situation: we have to live together until the end of July, as he has paid his rent, and has no where else to go until August 1st, and has a steady good paying job. After breaking up, I went to my parents for over a week to just get away from it all. The time apart however, made things get interesting. Now I know that everyone will say that men don't change, but this is what happened. He began calling me, saying that he missed me and just wanted to talk, which I had wished for our entire relationship whenever I was away - never happened before. Then he asked if he could take me out on a date, start over, as if it was our first date, which we continued to discuss that neither of us wanted to get back together, but just maybe see what happens. I did so, in wanting to keep peace while we are stuck living together. Ever since... he has been amazing!! He does everything I ever asked for before and more. I feel like he is a different person, and that we are so different together in a good way. The porn has completely stopped, he offers to cook me dinner, he rubs my back, etc.. We are not back together, as I did not want to fall back into the downward spiral that we were once in...but now I am stuck :( We have decided that things will officially break off as off July 31st when he moves out, and we will say good-bye for good, but now I don't know what to do if either A- that day comes and I want more and he doesn't, or if I should even want more in the first place, or B- He wants to get back together. I am afraid of every situation and every outcome because I don't know what to do with whatever way the table turns. I feel like right now we are so happy together because there is no pressure of "boyfriend/girlfriend". Every day things seem to get better and better between us, and I am just falling for him over and over again. I have always loved him, more than I ever thought possible, but I just don't know what to do now. Any thoughts or comments on this mess would be greatly appreciated, as everything you all said before really described my life to a "T" and made me feel so much better. I realize that I have gotten myself into this mess, but should I give him a second chance if he wants it? or should I even risk getting my heart broken again?....

July 2, 2010 - 4:23pm
misvives HERWriter Guide

I know your feeling, Rala! I know the pain, the ignorance of the male counterpart and how it feels to be left to the way side for something virtual. The sex industry is the largest moneymaker! Men are CONSUMED by sex, imagery and many probably have no idea what all this causes us (as the woman).

I have had three long term relationships (one being a marriage). Two of the long term(ers) were addicted to pornography and the third was addicted to prescription medication. My sweet friend, I am not picking up men off the corner street, these are all men of importance in the world. I know many people can change and even pornography is an addiction, but stop and think.....if he never stopped this, would you be happy in the relationship?

I have noticed in many relationships, if you think he will change, he won't. He will only hide it better. I am not saying this for all situations or for all men but in honesty, it may never change. I want you to make a decision for you. What are you willing to deal with? No one is perfect but is this something that you can live with? If your answer is no, move on....it is not his addiction that should consume you. This is about you, about Rala! Remember, you are the only person who can make you happy. Wishing you the best of luck from the bottom of my heart! Just from my point of view, I walked away from all three. I knew what I couldn't deal with their chosen addictions for a long period of time. If you look up information about addiction, it is not about how much he loves you, it's all about him.

June 12, 2010 - 10:56am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to misvives)

Hi Karma, Just to give you a man's point of view I'd say you should dump that loser. Good luck.

June 17, 2010 - 7:41am
rala

I have recently run into the same situation with my boyfriend of 8 months. I found out that he looked at porn early on in our relationship and was extremely upset by it, and I let him know. We had a long discussion about it and I thought he understood me. Ends up, after months and months of our relationship he was still looking at it even though he knew how much it hurt me and inhibited me from being intimate with him. He was lying to my face about it. When I found scant evidence of it on his browser's history I was livid. I told him to leave and insisted that he admit that he was leaving for porn. That he was choosing PORN over me. He didn't want to admit it and we had a rough few weeks before he agreed that what we could have together is worth so much more. He proposed the idea to let me have the password to his computer, to set up filtering software, and to delete anything and everything that might be saved.

Honestly, even with all of these protective measures and his assurance that he doesn't want it in his life anymore, I'm still hesitant. The hurt I feel from being lied to about this, over and over again goes so deep. If this were a problem I thought was concentrated on one guy, I would have left him to drift away in his imaginary, lonely sex life. What I'm afraid is the reality though, is that that this is a problem with 99.9% of males over the age of 12.

Does anyone, ANYONE, have any stories of males who abstain from porn and realize it's damaging effects on an intimate sex life? PLEASE share them for the good of every woman who's had to share a bedroom with any naked woman who makes her way in front of a video camera.

June 12, 2010 - 10:41am
Diane Porter

Karma,

I am astonished that you think the problem may lie with YOU. Just astonished. Let's review:

-- You say you moved in together too soon, before you knew about some habits that you totally object to.
-- On repeated occasions he has lied to you.
-- On repeated occasions he has promised something he has not followed through on.
-- Despite the fact that something hurts you, he refuses to truly consider stopping it.
-- He gets angry when you point any of this out.
-- Not only does he continue to view the pictures that he has promised not to, he masturbates NEXT TO YOU in bed while viewing them.

Karma, these are the actions of a man who is emotionally abusing you. He may be addicted to internet porn or not, but either way, it's more important to him than you are. And no wonder he doesn't want sex with you -- he's having fantasy sex with whatever image he wants on the internet. That's much easier than dealing with a real live human being that has feelings, hopes and vulnerabilities.

I've got to tell you that I don't see a lot of hope here for this behavior to stop. This isn't love, Karma. Be strong, stand up for yourself, and leave. I know that's harsh, and horrible to hear. But I think you know inside yourself that this is NOT your fault; and that YOU are not the one who can change it.

You are a thoughtful, smart woman with feelings that matter. He has made it clear by his actions that he is not going to change. That is sad, mostly because he's missing out on a real relationship.

The only thing you can do is decide that you don't want to share a bed with him and his laptop. You are young and are worth so much more.

June 11, 2010 - 9:22am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Diane Porter)

I have to second Diane here, Karma.

Your relationship consists of you, him and several hundred woman. That's a little too crowded for my taste.

Your boyfriend prefers porn and vague, nameless women to you. You need to walk away from this because not only does he lie, but when he's not lying, he is shoving his actions in your face - almost literally.

If you have only been together a year and already have had many ups and downs (even regardless of the porn issue) then you two are simply not a good match. Don't try to spend your time (and life) fixing something that's not fixable. Regardless of who is right or wrong, you two are simply a bad match and need to separate; not every couple is meant to stay together and sometimes it takes a few months or a year to realize it.

Now that it has been a year and it's still not working (in, fact, it's getting worse), it's time to face the truth that you two are simply not meant to be. Please don't spend more years trying to fix something that probably isn't right to begin with.

I'm sorry you have been ill-treated like this but now is the time to be good to yourself and stop waiting for him to change. He won't. Pick up your life and start again. It has only been a year and you have no kids together...no history as such.

Begin again and choose a man who loves and respects you. I wish you the very best and I'm glad you found us to talk to, I know how hard it is sometimes to talk to people you know.

June 11, 2010 - 11:22am
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