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My boyfriend is 43 and tells me that he never feels horny, it's always me who initiates sex between us. We've only been seeing each other for nearly a year, so as the relationship is fairly new, I wouldn't have expected so much lack of intimacy between us! He seems to blame a variety of things for not wanting sex, performance anxiety, previous relationship breakdown, etc. I have a normal sex drive and would like to have sex every now and then, but I don't want to be the one initiating it all the time. He looks at celebrity bodies on the internet, even when I'm sleeping in the same room, so I find it hard to believe he doesn't get horny. It hurts me that he looks at other women, when I feel that he never notices me. He makes it quite obvious at times that he's looking at women, often saying 'boobies'. Are all men like this? I've never experienced a relationship like it, we get on fairly well in other areas of our relationship, and seem to want the same things. I even found out that he had been searching online for his previous girlfriend who cheated on him, this hurt a lot, as my past relationships are just that in my past. He's not the easiest of guys to talk to when something is bothering me, as he often gets moody and won't talk to me. He's had treatment for his anxiety, seeing a counsellor for a few years, a lot of his anxiety was caused after his brother died, but then he had a normal relationship with his last girlfriend, so I can't see why he blames his lack of motivation on the death of his brother and breakdown of his last relationship. I don't know all the details of his split with his ex, maybe he wasn't very intimate with her and that's why she cheated, he did tell me he used to be very tactile with her, which he isn't with me. His Mum thinks he's afraid of getting too close to someone in case he gets hurt again - but we've all had bad relationships, we just need to move on and get over it. His last girlfriend has moved on and is happy living with her new boyfriend. I don't want kissy kissy all the time, but some love and affection would be really nice. His younger brother is the complete opposite to him, very touchy feely, lovey dovey with his girlfriend, and I find it uncomfortable sometimes being in their presence as I would like a relationship with more intimacy. I have no one to talk to about this, so everything just stays inside, which is not good for me to keep things bottled up. Any help or advice would be appreciated - thanks.
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Add a Comment13 Comments
Dear Mystic,
I am sorry that you are feeling this way regarding your boyfriend. I was going to suggest him going to his doctor to get his thyroid checked--in case that might be the reason for his low sex drive. But then you mentioned that his mom thinks he may have a fear of being hurt again which may very well be the case. I know you say that it hurts you that he watches celebrities online and talks about boobies and your feelings are completely valid--most, if not all, women would feel the same. But is it possible that maybe he IS afraid of being hurt and can gaze at these Hollywood women all day because they cannot possibly hurt him?
I think when his family makes comments like "he doesn't want to get hurt" there is sometimes some credibility to it because they have witnessed things that we haven't and sometimes have a little more insight into our significant others that can help us in our relationships.
Have a good talk with him, expose your feelings, and let him know that it is affecting you in many ways. He may or may not open up-- this is the difficult thing about some men. If he does, perhaps suggesting couples therapy can save your relationship and make BOTH of you fall into place into where your relationship as a whole is going.
Good Luck!
July 17, 2009 - 6:01amThis Comment
I know how you feel I'm in the same situation pretty much, I keep asking him "why" and he says there is no reasons, well I may be lucky to have sexe once every 10 days and it doesn't last very long, I'm sick of this feeling and I don't know what to do....
October 24, 2010 - 6:48pmThis Comment
Hi Rosa,
Thanks for your reply, I found it very reassuring and you mentioned things I hadn't considered. My boyfriend has suggested previously about getting herbal remedies to increase his sex drive, so maybe he does want to sort it out. I try not to pressurise him as I feel that only makes the condition worse. A lot of his friends said that he went through a bad time when his ex left, but it wasn't so much her leaving as to the way she did it, taking everything with her and he felt he'd lost all his dreams too about travelling etc.
What you said about him looking at celebrity bodies made a lot of sense too, I hadn't thought of it that way.
Thanks again for you help and advice, I've found it very useful and it's been great to talk to someone on the outside so to speak with another perspective.
July 18, 2009 - 1:51amThis Comment