I'm 26 years old, and my bf's 24. We're on our 4th year together. For the past, almost 2 years, he hasn't wanted to have sex. We yoused to have a GREAT sex life, it's how we got together, and now, it's diminished. I've asked him about it, I've yelled, I've cried, and nothing. He just tells me he doesn't know. He denies me constantly. I've layed naked beside him, offered him blowjobs, I've even touched myself infront of him, and he still denies me. I know he's not cheating. He's never worked a day in his life so it's not that. He's in school, but only so he can play on their Hockey Team, so it's not school. He's not gay. He won't even kiss me! More than a peck that is. He gambles, A LOT. Poker, and sports betting. I thought it might even be that, since he's consumed with it, but even an addict would want a naked girl lying there ready and wanting, wouldn't they??? I'm not an unattractive girl either. Not trying to be conceited, but just to explain. This is such a problem now. I moved with him for the 3rd "school year" (Sept-April), in a row, 2 Provinces away from where I'm from, with no family, and barely any friends. I just don't know if it's worth it anymore. I don't even know if I should or can be mad at him. I try to get serious about it, and he just tells me, he is attracted to me, that I'm beautiful, and he loves me a lot, but he doesn't know why he doesn't want to. He even told me tonight, after yet another denial, that he loves me too much to do it?. And he can get it up, so it's also not that. I actually think he doesn't know. It's been way too long, and I've gotten so upset over it, so many times. I don't think he wouldn't tell me if he actually knew.
I just really don't know what to do... Is a relationship even anything without sex? And, can I keep being in this relationship without ever being desired???
Can this relationship be saved? Is there anything left to do, or are we pretty much done?
I seriously need help:(
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It's not weird that it bugs you when he looks at porn and masturbates to it. That would bug me too! Especially if he won't have sex with you! Ask him to stop witht the porno and be with you instead.
October 28, 2009 - 4:00pmIt really seems to be true that the more men look at internet porn, the less they want to have sex with their partners.
Ask him how he'd feel if you got a huge dildo and played with that instead of having sex with him? Taht might get his attention!
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Some of that definitly sounds like him! I've told him before that he has a problem! He doesn't think so, obviously. He says that Pokers not gambling. And he wins more than he loses. He says it's his "Job". He can't justify going to work 5 days a week, working for someone making crappy money, when he can go to the Casino, do what he loves, and make a ton of money. Which, in a way makes sense.
He'll never quit.
And, I could be less of a Nat about it, if it didn't consume him, and put a strain on our relationship.
What I meant by laying beside him naked, was just that.... I actually layed there beside him last night, trying to start something up, and he would just hug me, and avoid kissing me. That's when he told me he loves me too much.
It's funny you mention the Porn thing, I know whenever he does masturbate, it's to porn. And the weird thing is, that it actually bugs me. I know guys do that, but when he won't even touch me when I'm right there, but he'll touch himself to some hookers!!! Grrrrr. That hurts.
I honestly don't think he puts love and lust together. If that makes any sense. Like, when we first got together, we were doing it all the time, everywhere! Cuz he didn't care as much about me. Now, I know he loves me, but, it's like he's not sexually attracted anymore.
I DO love him yes. I just am at my limit. I've given him sooo many chances to change, and to get serious about us and this, and nothing.
I feel like the only way he'll get it is if I leave him. And, if I leave him, what am I supposed to do, sit around and wait/HOPE he comes around?!
He doesn't treat me terribly. We're like best friends. Literally.
But your right, he doesn't listen. Or he doesn't get it? Either way, it frustrates me.
Like I said, I'm at my breaking point. He doesn't communicate very well either. He's not a very serious person, so he doesn't get serious when he needs to.
And like I said before, he plays hockey for school. That's what he wants to do with his life. So, if I stayed with him, I would be following him around for years. I don't mind, I enjoy travelling. But, It doesn't seem worth it huh?
I never feel older than him, but lately I do. I haven' t got all my stuff figured out, but I know what life is. I feel like he honestly lives in a Bubble. He has his 3 friends (they gamble too. Usually with his money), me, poker, hockey, and his parents (who still do everything for him). Other than that, he doesn't care about anything.
I think maybe he's the one that needs help...
October 28, 2009 - 3:00pmThis Comment
I agree with Diane that this doesn't sound like a great relationship. Do you even love him? My thought is that he is also using porn on line. Many internet porn addicts aren't interested in sex with real, willing women as they actually often get more out of masturbation to the idea of hundreds of women at a time; there is endless variety on the net. Ask him about this.
October 28, 2009 - 11:26amThis Comment
Courtney,
Welcome to EmpowHer. Thank you so much for your question.
Let's back off the sex question for a moment. You are saying that you're with someone who doesn't work, is only in school to play sports, has a gambling problem and doesn't treat you well even though you moved to be with him. This is not a good relationship, Courtney.
And when you add on top of that that he isn't interested in you, I'm not sure why it's worth staying in the relationship. Two people can handle any problem -- sexually or otherwise -- only if BOTH people want to work on it. If only one person wants the behavior to change, it's not going to change. You have told your boyfriend that you are sad, mad, hurt and feeling rejected, and he hasn't responded to you with anything but less interaction and more gambling. That's not what a man does when he values his girlfriend.
You say that "even an addict would want a naked girl lying next to him." Well, not necessarily. Addiction is so strong sometimes that it takes away a person's pleasure or attention to ANYTHING else. People can lose their loved ones, their homes, their jobs and all their money through an addiction. It can be drugs, alchohol, gambling or other things -- but the addiction runs their lives.
Here's just one page about signs of a gambling addiction:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/gambling_addiction.htm
And here's a link to Gamblers Anonymous, which is an organization like Alcoholics Anonymous:
http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/
This is a page of their frequently asked questions:
http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/qna.html
And here's their set of 20 questions to help people find out whether they are compulsive gamblers:
http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/20questions.html
Courtney, do any of these sound like your boyfriend?
If so, would you be willing to show him the sites to see if he might learn that he has a problem, and to get help for it?
October 28, 2009 - 9:37amThis Comment