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My fiance & I have differant sexual desires??

By February 8, 2010 - 10:17am
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My fiance is into more of the harder sexual stuff. I'm just into the basic love-making. It's because of that, we never have sex. In the whole 4 years we've been together, we've only had sex about 15 times or less. He doesn't want to alter his desires for one time just to satisfy me..yet I feel I'm always expected to alter my desires to satisy him. Why am I always doing the altering? I want to please him or he'll turn to other resources to get that 'satisfaction'..I want him to want ME! But I can't be into something I'm not. This has been bothering me for sometime now. Any thoughts??

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Xdaring dreams>,

Susan asked you wonderful questions and gave you great advice. I'm so glad you'd come back and update us with more information.

I have to agree with Susan 100% - sexually, you two are very incompatible. You're going to need some help to work through this. Since there are many other good things about your relationship, it sounds like it's worth the work.

If it's like this and you're just engaged, I for sure wouldn't be planning a wedding or getting married until this issue is smoother between the two of you. Your desire is that he be satisfied with just you, without bondage. His desire is that you participate with him in bondage. It turns him on, but it doesn't turn you on. In order to get to a compromise or to a place you both can live with, I think you're going to need a third party -- someone who is completely objective -- to help you.

If you go with the flow now, that may work for a while, but only a while. Often, sexual desires such as porn escalate, and you may find yourself in a relationship where you are not having sex at all. (I also agree with Susan; since you are having sex just 4 times a year now, I wonder whether he fines sexual satisfaction elsewhere now? Perhaps through porn and masturbation?)

Daring dreams, please talk to your boyfriend about whether he would go to counseling with you about this issue. Not to change him or change you so much as to figure out how to make sexuality something pleasurable between the two of you instead of something filled with conflict.

February 10, 2010 - 10:41am

Thank you for your thoughts, they are greatly appriciated. :)
1- yes, we are fine in other ways. actually couldn't find anyone more perfect. it's just sexually that we have the problem with.
2- I truthfully don't think he'll ever cheat on me. I think he'll turn to porn (which is what guys do i guess) but I dont want him to want porn, I want him to be fully satisfied with ME!
3- He is into bondage type of hardcore. I never heard of it before him.
4- About the 'outsourcing', I have caught him especially lately going into websites I asked him not to do on my computer. Some would like to believe that EVERYONE looks at porn..when in fact that's NOT true. I don't like it nor do I support it. I feel bad but I'm thinking of trying to put a parental lock on it so he can't do it any longer.
5- If we did counseling, we would need someone that can reach him on his level of thinking and then me..I'm pretty simple.

I just don't know. I love him so much, he's sacrificed so much for me. And I've been through SOOO much with him..things people our age shouldn't NORMALLY go through at this stage in life. All I can think to do is go with the flow...which could be hard!!

February 8, 2010 - 11:15pm
HERWriter Guide

Hi xdaring-

Thanks for your question and welcome!

I'm sorry you're not finding the kind of contentment in your relationship - when sex if fine, everything's fine - when sex is bad (or non existent, which is close to where you are now) then the entire relationship suffers unless both parties are content this way (which happens more than we think and is perfectly fine).

Not a lot in life is black and white but you have never, ever been a good match. If you have had sex 15 times in 4 years, that's averaging less than 4 times per year. It seems you have been sexually incompatible from the beginning.

He won't change and you are right not to change. You are both are on an entirely different wavelength. If you are both just built that way - no harm, no foul. You are better to end the relationship now while you can both go on to form other relationships that actually work instead of both of you fighting to have "your way" be the right way. His way is right for him, not you. Your way is right for you, not him. That's ok and no-one is right and no-one is wrong. You simply aren't compatible and you may be wasting precious years trying to "fix" each other when neither of you is broken - you're just not compatible!

However, sexual incompatibility can be helped if both want it and you love, support and enjoy each other in other ways (socially, going out, talking together, hugging, kissing). Is this the case? Are things good in other ways?

Sex therapy might be a good idea for you both, but both of you have to be very willing to make some compensations and not resent the other for it.

I have some questions for you - when you say he's into the harder stuff, can you explain that a little? For some people, "hard core" could mean rough sex to bondage to sado-masochism. For others, it could mean soft porn and pretty harmless sex toys. Is what he likes way out of your comfort range?

When you say you want to satisfy him or he'll turn to other resources, what do you mean? Other women? Hard core porn? Swing clubs?

This is very worrying because if he has always felt this way and only has sex with you four times per year on average, I fear he may be "outsourcing" already. Do you have any evidence of this?

Sometimes our differences are too much to overcome. As I said, it's not a wrong/right or good/bad issue. It's just the way you are, and he is.

However - this relationship does not have to end if both of you are willing to work together. Do you think that can happen, through counseling or therapy?

Please update us with some answers to my questions (I asked a lot, I know!) and we'd love to help you further. Don't give up hope, there is a solution out there and we'll help guide you to it.

February 8, 2010 - 2:33pm
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