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Sex in a new relationship

By Anonymous November 21, 2011 - 11:48am
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I am having a problem with my new boyfriend. I am 28 years old and just started dating one of my friends that I have known for nearly a year now. We have only been a dating couple for about two weeks. In that two weeks, we have only had sex three times. I lost my virginity the first time we had sex, but the night it happened, something that had never happened to him before happened, he lost his erection. So we postponed my first time til the next morning. Things were better then. Then the second time, it happened again and he started to get frustrated because this has only happened with me. I have noticed that he makes joking comments on my body, like how small my breasts are and how I need to gain weight. I just spent three months dropping my weight from 300 pounds to 140 pounds...why would I ever put the weight back on? It's because I look like a deflated balloon and have a lot of lose skin that isn't very attractive. Could it be that he isn't physically attracted to me and doesn't want to have sex because of it? He is also getting frustrated because the three times we have done it, I still bleed a little. It is clearing up, but because we do it so little, I am thinking it is just taking a while for the bleeding to stop. And when we first start it still hurts a little, but goes away. I need some help on this because it is making me upset thinking he doesn't want sex with me because I'm not attractive enough for him. What should I do?

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EmpowHER Guest

You were right about everything Susan. We stayed together just four months, but that four months was the worst experience of my life. The sex never improved, but got more aggressive and in that four months, never had an orgasm....he knew I was a virgin the first time, but I soon found out...he had zero respect for women. The belittling got worse until I felt like nothing. Then I found out later he had been cheating on me. He is the type of man that every woman fears getting involved with and he turned out to be my first boyfriend. First man I had slept with...and the one I forever have to remember. it was a traumatizing experience, but I'm out of it now. I feel i've become bitter since then...I trust no man and haven't been in a relationship since. I don't even know where to go from here...nearly a year later, I still can't seem to stop feeingl hate and anger at the things he had done and said to me. Many people told me something was wrong in the relationship...but having never dated anyone in 28 years, I think I was just vying for any attention I could get. But it cost...it cost a lot. I've learned my lesson in the worst possible way. I'll be heading into my 30th year soon and I sometimes wonder if maybe not every woman is meant to receive love from a man.

December 22, 2012 - 6:17pm
HERWriter Guide

Hi Anon

Thanks for your question and congratulations on such a huge weight loss - you more than halved your weight; that's an incredible accomplishment!

Your bleeding, as well as being from losing your virginity, may be a sign that you need more foreplay or lubricant. Does your boyfriend know you were a virgin before you had sex with him? If not, let him know. If he knows, then I hope he is going to be a little more considerate.Make sure there is lots of foreplay and lubricant.

He may be embarrassed that he cannot maintain an erection. This may be why he is focusing rather negatively on your body; to make you feel bad about you to take the emphasis off him. Or maybe he likes to belittle women in general. I think if you had more confidence and had more experience with men, you would not be putting up with this at all. If he tells you your breasts are too small, how about telling him you feel the same way about his penis? Let him feel how you feel.

Make sure that everything in your relationship is positive. You have only been dating for two weeks and he's already poking fun at your body. That's a huge red flag.You should be in a total honeymoon period for at least the next year (assuming this works out) and to have problems already is a bad sign. He should be doting on you, not making negative comments. You absolutely have to tell him to stop with the commentary. Don't beg or plead; tell him to knock it off, it's not acceptable. Have high standards for yourself and the man you are with because if you're with a man who isn't good for you and you have low standards for yourself - he will meet those low standards and never bother trying otherwise.

Good luck to you!


November 21, 2011 - 12:38pm
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