Facebook Pixel

What if my husband said he was done jerking off?

By October 6, 2010 - 4:05pm
Rate This

It has entirely ruined our sex life. he lied about jerking off for along while, and id see cum on the toilet and he'd lie about it. It's not that he jerked off, its just the worst feeling in the world to be lied to right in my face. Every women i know thinks of it in either two ways, natural, or wrong. My husband would turn me down, and say hes not in the mood for both night and morning, then would jerk off that morning. I was getting tired of all the lies and how things were going, i therefore told him i cant deal with it anymore, me and the kids dont deserve it, lies that is. so i kinda told him how it was, and told him he needs to figure out his priorities, and that he needs to stop lying and treating our sex life like some joke. and he finally addmitted he was doing it. and said he was done. BUT, is he really done? Or is he starting off at the beginning with the lies.... I told him, that he can jerked off, it just better not be a horrible sex life and no loving. and that he needs to be fully honest with me. maybe me telling him that i was about done with everything made him realize what had happen. he said he couldnt live without me and the kids. but if he says hes done and he knows that if he keeps lying to me, and sneaking around and not wanting sex and it goes right back to where it was before, then what? should i actually leave him? cuz ive never once lied about something sooo serious and made that lie continue. im very open with anything, and he was too till this came. he knows i cant handle that crap, and if he knows and still does it, its his loss right?

Add a Comment8 Comments

EmpowHER Guest

Feminists up in this donkey show pfff.

Every man needs release, it's instinctive and is a bodily urge. There is no stopping it and it requires an extreme amount of self control not to masturbate. I'd say most males will succumb after a few days, there is no controlling this behavior short of a chastity device.

As the prostate hardens, the testicles and vessels fill up and the Cowper gland becomes fuller it becomes increasingly hard to not masturbate. Once a male reaches 75~ ish days of none release the body itself will begins to slowly excrete semen en fluids through urination, even wet dreams with ejaculation are common.

Masturbation is completely normal. If your against it because of religious beliefs, tough luck. Human anatomy will always win. I cringe when i hear religious mothers scolding their sons for something so natural.

Personally i feel that a healthy sex life at age 40~ should be around 2 to 7 times a week but not a day less, this can vary if there are kids involved or during times of extreme stress but the general rule would be at least twice a week. You both have to create time and space for such a matter and it should not always be instigated by the same person. If you do more then two times a week, it could involve some quickies or just hands/oral.

If your husband only sits in front of his computer to jerk off every day and completely ignores his wife then there's a big problem. It may be because he has a sexual fetish and does not wish to tell his wife. It may be because he's addicted to watching porn and getting off or that it simply just became a habbit. There could be a variety of issues that caused this.

I'm not married, i'm 29 and i have sex every day with my GF. We have had some dry spells of a few weeks during some stressful events but nothing major. Were in a 4 year committed relationship. I put effort into our sex life, that includes toys such as a hitachi, clit tickler, some light bondage gear as handcuffs, blindfold. Also buy lingerie/costumes and we play some role playing games.

Even if i had sex that day, i still masturbate once in a while during the morning, day or evening when i feel this overwhelming urge. I could have had sex during the night and still feel the need to masturbate in the morning. My GF knows and it happens, she has caught me doing it and usuals sticks around and watches, encourages me on, helps, joins me to watch each other masturbate and often it could lead to sex. Yes that does mean i watch porn where 19 year olds are getting rammed, but i could just as easily watch a mature 40 year old getting plowed. Honestly i doesn't really matter to me i just have an extreme urge to get to the finish line. I told my GF upfront i sometimes masturbate even on days when we have sex. When i was younger and girl friendless i would often do it at least once a day, most times it was several times a day. Wake up with boner -> release, get turned on for whatever reason(sometimes no reason at all) during the day -> release, come home/lay in bed -> release. I have a high libido and i don't always wish to bother my GF, in fact i often have to force her to help me out if she isn't feeling fresh down there and wants to skip a day. Sometimes i often feel guilty with constantly trying to have sex with her, but she loves it - or so she tells me but i still have doubts, and i admit i have skipped having sex wit her because i felt it would be to many times. I instigate more but my GF does as well, i never say no, she sometimes does say no but that's usually due to that time of the month related issue, but honestly i don't mind - she does.

Everything falls back onto communication, if you can't have an open and honest conversation with you SO without making someone out to be the bad person, playing the blame game your doomed and the relationship itself will eventually fail. Men are different then woman, we do not take hints, or can understand what your thinking/implying. Just tell us in a simple laid out way what the problem is and what and we'll understand and then both of you will be able to work out a solution to the problem.

If you immidiatly say to your husband: your gonna stop this filthy behavior or I'm leaving you, he's better off without you. You can't force someone to stop masturbating and then all of a sudden have sex with you again, it does not work.

If you say that you feel neglected, hurt and feel ugly because he's watching those younger woman and doesn't spend enough time with you in bed that's a whole different ballpark.

You can grab the male libido for a daily release and have sex everyday if you play your cards right! Or you can continue to make him feel guilty, telling him what he is allowed to do and forbidden to do and see where that leads you, it won't be happiness i can guarantee it.

August 12, 2014 - 1:08am
EmpowHER Guest

I agree with you , men are too involved with their own desires and we women always put ours on the back burner . My boyfriend wants me to give him hand job , i dont see the point of that . i get nothing out of it , he would never just wanna go down on me .

July 22, 2014 - 5:49pm
EmpowHER Guest

I agree. I am dealing with the same thing. My husband won't touch me. He says he just doesn't get "in the mood anymore." I have caught him many times or am in the next room and can tell he's finished doing it. It hurts me and infuriates me. I beg for physical attention from him and can never get it but he masturbates at least once a day. We probably go a month or two between having sex. I am almost y months pregnant, now but it's been this way for about a year or so. How is that fair to me? It's just natural and we should get over it? Bullshit! What about my urges?! what about my wanting to make love and be special and not feel like every internet whore is more attractive to him than me. I told him it makes me feel so ugly and worthless, like he just can't get aroused by me. And he says that he'll try harder, but it never changes. And he won't talk!!! Believe me, I've approached it at every anglr and he won't talk. So, what about that? I should. Just get used to it and br miserable? Suck it up? Shame on you who don"t ubderstand the differences between the normal urges of men and what other people may be going through

May 10, 2014 - 12:14am

As a guy, I would have to agree with Kelly I think she said her name was. I admit to you all that I was just like Mindys husband. I masturbated a lot. I found out it belongs was because I was feeling insecure about sexual urges and things I wanted to do to my wife and was afraid to talk to her about it. I am 42 and she is about to turn 60. I do was afraid I do would hurt her physically and turn her off and away. I can assure you that is not the case. We take longer times to have sex but the sex is more intense and worth while. If all else fails, ask to watch him and when he is about to finish start talking dirty to him and get really turned on. He just may start paying more attention to you and start asking you to watch more and may even ask you to jerk him off m

March 11, 2014 - 1:23pm
HERWriter Guide

Hi Mindy

I know that this is a recurring problem for you and that you are very against masturbation when you are available for sex, but let me explain a little about this topic to you.

Masturbation is not all about self-serve when there is no other option. Men and women who have frequent sex still masturbate. There can be many reasons for this: stress relief, pleasure or just because it's a quick and uncomplicated way to get off. It IS normal, no matter what anyone thinks. The only context in which this is wrong is from a religious view point so if you are against this due to religion, that is your right. However, it doesn't mean it's actually right (in the sense of 'correct').

Mindy, your husband masturbates - accept it; it's not going to change and it should not have to. You tend to want to "catch him out" doing this and are likely making him feel weird/dirty/wrong for engaging in this behavior when there is absolutely nothing weird/dirty/wrong about it, regardless as to whether you are around for sex or not. In fact, your obsession with this is likely going to drive him away more, and he may choose masturbation over sex with you even more, because he probably feels you are judging him quite harshly.

Another thing to think about, Mindy, is that you really don't have the right to tell him what to do with his own body. It's really not your business and I know that sounds harsh but if he wants to masturbate everyday, then that's his right. Going on and on about it to him is only going to increase his secretive demeanor.

My suggestion to you is that you do not bring this up anymore. Just don't ask him, don't check toilets or sheets for "evidence" and just give him some privacy in this matter. You may then find that he begins to feel more comfortable around you and less watched and judged - and will be more open and receptive to sex with you. But you cannot keep bringing this up with him. You say it's not the masturbation, it's the lying but I think you know that's not true. It's both that bother you. But in all honestly, I don't really blame him for lying because you are forcing him into a corner about something both natural and his own private business. If our male readers told their female partners what to do(or not to do) with this own bodies, we would say the same thing to them. I think your husband is lying to you because you make him feel terrible for masturbating in general.

I do not think it's right for him to lie to you but in this context, I do understand where he is coming from. Giving him "permission" to masturbate when you are not around is not ok - he has the right no matter what, Mindy. And to consider leaving him due to this is worrisome. Please give it at least a month (with not mentioning it in any way) and see how things go.

You have the right to a great sex life but you have to earn it too. Monitoring him like this is not a good way to sort out your intimacy issues. Give him a chance to feel safe in his own home and with his own body. You are also instrumental is this sex issue with your husband.

Be there for him for sex (and I know this is your intention, which is great) but do not ask or mention anything about his private behavior and see how it goes.

I really do hope you can work things out Mindy, but just be aware that you are possibly pushing him away by such a strong focus on this issue. If there are religious or societal issues you have to work out regarding masturbation, then perhaps some individual counseling may be of great help to you and within a few months you may see your love life being one that is fulfilling and wonderful and will bring your husband and you closer.

I wish you the best,

October 8, 2010 - 11:42am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)

I think she is wrong u should ask him my husband lied to me for four years while he was jerking off til I bought an alarm clock he thought was an alarm clock which was a camrea when I told him I caught him he knew I was not going to be lied to anymore. I told him he needed to leave and that's when it hit him what he's done. I still can't trust him because of the past four years and I told him it is going to be hard and I was going to be asking him a lot if he was or if he is lieing. He said ok so u do what u need to and follow ur heart don't listen to people telling u ur wrong ur not.no one should have to live or accept a liar. I hope this helps and ur not alone.

July 2, 2011 - 12:15am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)

I couldn't agree with you more I think that a men get selfish and put their needs above all and he is your husband so he should be taking care of you. And if he cares more about masturbating then satisfying his wife then he doesn't deserve you. It's not like you told him no more masturbating you just told him he needs to take care of things in the bedroom and if he needs more he can do his thing. Sex is big in a marriage you can only be with that one person and if that person isn't taken care of those needs you can only go so long before it affects you in an unhealthy way. I say if your needs are not being meet that is a very good reason to walk away. And if he is not honest with you in this situation I bet he is lying to you in other situations as well.

Best of Luck!

February 23, 2011 - 9:16pm
Enter the characters shown in the image.
By submitting this form, you agree to EmpowHER's terms of service and privacy policy
Add a Comment

All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.


Can't Find Something?


Have a question? We're here to help. Ask the Community.

ASK Moderation Guidelines

Health Newsletter

Receive the latest and greatest in women's health and wellness from EmpowHER - for free!