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What should I do when she seems to slip away?

By Anonymous November 1, 2010 - 1:39am
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Hi I don't usually do this but I came across this website and read some of the stories on here and thought maybe i could get some help too...

I'm a guy (19) in college, and my gf is also in college (we have dated for over a year now), we met early fall semester, and I have not been so sure about anyone in my life. [but we were shaky over the summer, she sometimes "forgets" about me when she has other things in her face (i.e. sometimes she goes out and doesnt come back till the next day {oh, but i trust her! :-) })]

before i digress completely. Recently she's kinda been toying me around... like today, calls me over for dinner at 6, and when i get there she's actually at the computer lab, but she doesnt reply until 6 30, then she tells me to come down 2 the lab where she's with her hall mates and then she goes on to ignore me. I leave in 20 mins saying I've got a lot of things 2 do etc. she rushes out and tells me 'sorry', but there's only so much you can take aye... so i get kinda angry and just say 'see ya', brush her off as she tries to kiss me and head off home without giving her the usual "sappy stuff". its 4 am now, and i've still not got a sorry text or aim from her : - [

also, we used to get intimate v often, 50/50 me/her initiation(2-4 times a week), but she's not wanted sex for a while (a month now) + brushes me off n tells me shes tired when I kiss her in rapid successions on her cheeks (which is where I start [which is also what my friends laugh at me about]) but it makes her giggle! and it kinda flutters my heart when i see her lips curl up to a smile and her eyes twinkle; and then we move on to make passionate love - or perhaps I should take this opportunity to ask for better techniques...

on the side, there's this friend who's told me that she loves me (Which is V. weird since I've never made an advance on her), and thats been bothering me a hellovalot (she is one of my best friends) .. so I told my gf about that; since I tell her everything about everything (but also assured her that I love her only and that I'll deal with things because she kinda lost it (her head [started acting all funny]) over dinner).. (that was around when all of this started :S - are they linked?)

also, we used to date a lot... like a fancy dinner date every 2 weeks (this was last year) or a surprise this or that.. now its been 2 months since the last fancy restaurant date... we do little things like movie night or cooking dinner for each other or ice cream or stargazing and talking about anything and whatnot.. I enjoy these a lot! but she complains "I cant remember the last time we went on an actual date" - I have a fraction of the budget I had last year

The whole of October just felt like she's been slipping away..
some tell me she's probably moving on..
and she complains we don't talk enough (but i'm kinda scared she'll break the news)
I want to hold on to her if at all possible..
Also advice about not changing yourself? I've come to believe that when you love someone enough you start mending yourself to fit around her (and vice versa) and we even start imitating the (once-considered) stupid things that our lovers do (i.e. I've recently started becoming a vegetarian)

any help is much appreciated :-)

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HERWriter Guide

Hi Anon

Thanks for your post and welcome!

I have no idea what could be going on with your girlfriend - she may indeed be moving on or she could be angry with you for some reason that you don't know about/she will not tell you.

You are both in college - meaning these years will see immense changes for you. You will make friends and lose them, start courses and give them up - and have lovers and leave them. This is how we learn as we grown into adulthood.

You becoming a vegetarian would have nothing to do with her feelings for you but I think you made a mistake by telling her some girl has professed her love for you. Why would you do this? It could have been some mindless, silly thing a girl blurted out and now it has become a big deal that need not have been. Contrary to the whole "honesty is the best policy" thing, I don't think we need to tell our partners every single thing that happens to us, especially when it WAS inconsequential and then becomes potential drama. Do you think you may have done it to show her that you are interesting to other women?

It honestly sounds to me that you are too immature for a serious relationship just yet (waiting up for an "I'm sorry" text at 4am) and she also may be (playing games with you - calling you over to her and then ignoring you in front of friends) and may be better off dating casually. I say "immature" not in a "childish" way but you are a bit young to know she's "the one" already. At 19, you should be dating girls, having fun and studying hard! I'm not sure she really "forgets" about you when she goes out all night - she's just not including you.

I understand what you mean about being too afraid to talk to her in case she ends it with you. I think that's pretty normal, but it's better to do it now and know where you stand than all this waiting and wondering. That's a horrible feeling, isn't it?

My advice is to go on a date (it doesn't have to be fancy, you guys are college kids, not executives!) and really talk it out. Be honest with her and ask her to do the same. Be level with her and don't be too desperate or needy - just tell her how you feel but that you have concerns. And whatever her response is - you'll have to accept.

You may be able to work through things and it may turn out really well - there is hope in any relationship with both partners want it to work! But it sounds like you're in no-mans-land now and need to know where you stand.

Have a good talk with her and put your cards on the table. Let us know how it goes and I wish you the very best,

November 1, 2010 - 11:38am
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