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Why am I unable to achieve an orgasm with my partner?

By Anonymous March 22, 2009 - 3:10pm
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I am very new to a sexual relationship with a partner. I am 33 an have only been with him for a few months now and just recently begun having intercourse. I am inexperienced and we have only had sex a few times(6 times so far). Foreplay is great and seems to be most pleasurable so far. I am trying not to over analyze everything. I very concerned I am frigid, and unable to experience an orgasm with him. I have achieved a few on my own. Like one of your previous posters find water and the "happy shower hose" very pleasurable. What can I try besides the obvious things that have already been suggested like taking time and becoming mentally ready and open to the experience. My partner is not worried, he seems to think it will happen when its time for it to happen and I am aware I cannot force this type of things but I am very frustrated. Any advice you can give will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

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Susan gave you wonderful advice, and I'd like to add a few more thoughts: some, if not most, women are not able to have an orgasm with intercourse alone. There is nothing frigid or wrong about that...it's just our anatomy! As Susan suggested, practice, practice, practice (alone and with your boyfriend) and experiment with different sensations and positions. The practice is not meant to suggest that you are bad at this and need to improve; the practice is to learn from your body and "hear" its cues on what will result in the big "O".

Also, as you learn more and more what creates that highest amount of physical arousal for you...you can re-create this with your boyfriend...then stop right before you may reach orgasm. It sounds difficult to do, but the "teasing" aspect can really produce some great climaxes (orgasm) and higher sense of arousal.

There are many books out there on this subject; another indicator that many, many women are after this ever-elusive orgasm. Don't call yourself any more names or label yourself anymore...enjoy what you have, enjoy every step of the arousal process, and practice intimacy in every way possible with your boyfriend.

Let us know if you would like some book recommendations; there have been many suggested in other areas of the Q&A sections regarding sexual well-being and orgasms.

March 22, 2009 - 4:51pm
HERWriter Guide

Hi Anon

Thanks for your post and your question.

Anxiety regarding orgasm is pretty common and a topic that is asked on Empowher fairly often. I can see you have read several other question-and-answer areas on our website regarding this so I won't link them to you and I'll try not to repeat opinions or advice (although most of it is pretty good!).

Since you know that you can achieve orgasm, you can at least have assurance that you probably don't have a physical problem in that area.

And since you are in a new relationship, it may not happen immediately. Orgasm takes a certain kind of trust - and trust takes patience and time. I know you are looking for other ideas, other than the usual "give it time" so let's take a look at other options.

You know what gives you the big 'O' so ask him to do it with you instead of doing it alone. Whatever it is - in the shower, using a vibrator, oral sex - whatever it is that turns you on. I can guarantee you, most men will be more than happy to oblige!

Since you say you are inexperienced, I'm afraid that time and practice is exactly what you need. Some women like sex toys or movies, others like oral sex, still others get turned on by sex in places other than the traditional bedroom. Others still prefer a traditional night-time, bedroom scene.

Your partner isn't worried which is wonderful - so try not to feel stress - you are putting pressure on yourself because you are focusing on wondering if you are frigid - how can you relax enough if these thoughts are going through your mind?

So based on what you said you like, and what has worked for you: have a glass of wine, and try sex in the shower or bath tub (be careful with condoms, that they remain secure) - and see how it works. Got a private swimming pool? Try it there, too.

Use what you know you like and what works when you are alone, and simply have your boyfriend join you there. If it works for you alone, it can work with someone else too. You just need to trust the other person enough.

And I'll say it again (!) - give yourself time. Being in a new relationship is scary- women worry about "performance" too - that's not just a man's concern. Expecting soap-opera type fireworks right at the beginning is like your first time baking a cake and expecting a 10-tier gourmet wedding-type masterpiece. Probably isn't going to happen!

March 22, 2009 - 3:48pm
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