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Why cant I bring myself to do it?

By Anonymous November 1, 2010 - 4:47am
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Okay so this is quite embarrassing. I have been going out with my partner for 10 years. We are getting married next year (I am 26 yrs).

We dont have sex ever, but its my fault because everytime he tries to initiate then I back away. I think its because I feel that we dont spend that much time together and when we are together we are either watching tv or sleeping. He does lifesaving on the weekends and I am trying to study part time so I attend school on Saturdays and study.

I dont think sex is that great either, its the same old over and over and I feel like he always want to hurry up and get to the end, he doesnt do foreplay anymore. He used to be romantic, but our relationship is "bla" and I feel like its my fault and we are busy with our own lives as well.

I am a tad nervouse because I am going to marry him next year and I dont want him looking for sex elsewhere.

Can you give any advice?

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Hi Anonymous,
I'm so sorry you are having to go through this, but I have to say I agree with Susan. After ten years, and probably never having a relationship with another man, it's no wonder why you're getting cold feet about sex and marriage. This all should be fun and exciting for you. If you're not excited about being with him, or your pending marriage, then it's time to really evaluate if this is the right fit for you. I know how hard it is to realize that, and consider moving on in a different direction when he's the only man you've known for so long. But believe me, as someone who has been in your shoes, you will be glad you didn't go through with your wedding knowing that it didn't feel right. Wait until it does, and you will be rest assured you are doing it for the right reasons and with the right man. It's monumentally harder to divorce a man after paying for a big expensive wedding than it is to just break up amicably and see what happens.
Please let us know how you're doing. I know it's not easy either way, but you owe it to yourself to make sure you are happy and excited about sex and your future with any man.
Good luck!

November 1, 2010 - 12:42pm
HERWriter Guide

Hi Anon

Thanks for your post and welcome!

I don't think it's a good idea for you to plan your wedding right now. You are both sexually incompatible (you don't find it important or exciting and he does (or did) ), you don't spend much time together and have lives that are pretty separate. It sounds like you both would be better off as friends because you're clearly not a good match in terms of a marriage. He may feel the exact same way but does not know how to tell you. Your different personalities are not compatible for a marriage.

Having an honest, sit down, eye-to-eye conversations with him will clear things up. The "fault" does not have to lie with either of you but after ten years, it sounds like your relationship has come to a natural ending. This is why we date and have relationships - to sort out what we want and can offer to someone else. It's good to know this before marriage.

Let me know how your chat goes and make sure there's a lot of honesty involved - from both of you. You may even be surprised and find that some couples therapy can benefit you and your relationship can be resurrected! But for now, there does not seem to be any love or passion anymore in your relationship. Be realistic and if so, end it now and leave as friends.

November 1, 2010 - 11:19am
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