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Why does a Man not want to have sex?

By March 18, 2011 - 5:15pm
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My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years now. Although we do have sex it's not very frequent and to be honest not very good. He is a real sweetheart and I love him to death. In every other aspect of our relationship he is perfect; considerate, sweet, very lotal, etc. but I feel like our sex life is a real drag on our relationship as a whole. When I talk to him about it, he talks openly about it but says that he doesn't really feel that drive. I feel really disconnected from him because I am such an emotional person and he isn't. It just doesn't feel like he is "all there". And there is no initiation on his part. He'll tell me its not me but I feel like I've run out of options. I'm positive he is not cheating because he doesn't even look at other girls the same way most guys do (I have a lot of guy friends) What do I do? Is there anything I can do to make this better?

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We talked it over some more and he feels like if he knows I want to have sex then its no longer a surprise and no longer appealing. I enjoy sex to be spontaneous but sometimes I just want to have sex. He also talked about it being a control thing. But I'm not sure how to go about dealing with a control issue in bed. I don't think It's a power struggle, because I like being the less dominating in sex. I'm just not really sure what to think about it.

April 1, 2011 - 12:33pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to MusicGirl)

Hi MusicGirl

This doesn't bode well for a good and healthy relationship. Saying "if he knows I want to have sex then its no longer a surprise and no longer appealing" is troubling on his part. It sounds like head games and "control" as you say and doesn't even make any sense! It also sounds a bit juvenile. Is he immature in general?

You can't live your life trying to read his mind and pretend that everything is a surprise when it comes to sex. It's not a normal way of life and it'll be an unnatural way to communicate with your partner.

It's up to you if you want to go along with this, but it's more important to be true to yourself. He doesn't have the right to dictate your sexual desires to you and how you are supposed to behave in this regard.


April 1, 2011 - 12:58pm

Thanks for the suggestions. They sound great and I will try them out. To be honest though I have tried a lot of this already. And I did forget to add we are both in our very young twenties. I have also tried reading books and learning more about our situation and how to make it better but nothing has helped. We have even read things together so that we are on the same page. We've discussed reasons that he may not feel into it, such as being stressed out etc. but He doesn't really feel like any of those apply. I'm really confused about what else I can do.

March 20, 2011 - 5:27pm
(reply to MusicGirl)

It sounds like he is very open to communicating about these issues, which is great! Sex can ebb-and-flow in a relationship, and that is normal.

I am curious, however, if he has said that "none of those apply" to his situation, what does he think DOES apply?

March 20, 2011 - 7:20pm
EmpowHER Guest

Hi Music Girl,
Thank you for your question and welcome to Empowher.

If you are certain that he is not cheating on you, there could be many reasons why men do not want to have sex. I know this seems strange but even the male libido can be changed by stress, possible struggles with their own sexuality, pain etc. Here is a link to a men's libido site that may be helpful http://www.sexhealthinplainenglish.com/men_articles/aging_and_male_sex_drive/male_sex_drive_1.htm.
I hope this helps.

March 20, 2011 - 9:44am
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