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why does my boyfriend tend to be more and more distant and confusing? I know that it is long but I have done a lot for the man I love. Please help?

By October 9, 2009 - 6:02am
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Even now as we live to gether, it does not mean that we have ever spend to much time together. when we first meet we only spent the weekend together on account that we lived in diferrent towns. at first he was all about getting to me and spending time. we fell in love after only spending time over the phone for the first 3 weeks of our relationship.
he really confuses me a times.at first it was the fact that we called each other all the time and this was fine, then suddenly when I called him the same amount of time that he called me in the past, even though his time slowed down, he became angry with me and accused me of being controlling and untrusting. it couldn't be further from the truth.

It did make me wonder however.
I did try to talk to him as I had agreed with him that we would always communicate. It was his initial statement early on as well, ot saying is idea, but he was the first to say it.
funny huh?
later in to things, we were planing on moving in together. he had said that he would move in with me and get a job in town where I lived because he wanted to be with me and he wanted to get away from the town he was living in.
I was so happy about this because it ment that I was not forced to give up my apartment , like i had not wanted to as well as get some help because I was in financial trouble.
The place I was working at on and off for a few years had run into a business snag and the owner of the company had gone, for lack of a better word, insain.That is the only plausible explanation for the fact that when a co-worker was stealing from me, I was the one to get fired. go figure?
I was also dealing with the fact that my mother was going to die and my car had broken down. I had been handed a eally bad hand. I was still trying to find work in the bad economy and most places were turning me down because the huge influx of likely candidates.
any way. that is just some info for you to get a better understanding. after what he told me, he decided to get a job with a friend of his one town over from where he was swearing he had to get away from. I was shocked at the fact that hae said that he would get a job in my own town. he said that he really didn't look and that fact that his friend needed someone there ment a lot to him and he thought he should help. I was trying to understand even thought he said, that he would move in with me and help both of us out seeing the fact that he really didn't have his own place because of a nasty divorce he went through.
I just thought that it might be nice to get away, trying to be understanding, and thought that I could move anywhere he was because I loved him, as well as the fact that I was at his mercy. before we moved he spent several months while i was morning my mothers death traveling back and forth from cities. meaning that, from what he told me he was spending all week working in his friends motorcycle shop and sleeping in his car and then driving up on the weekends to spend with me.
but he never really spent those wekends with me, he slept the whole time. I tried to be understanding of the fact of how heavy a burden he had taken, but at the same time, I never asked him to take it. he chose it for himself. I spent most of my time mourning on my own and was constantly asking him for time that he could not give me, he was always working over time and long hours and ect and ect. not to mention the fact that his sex drive went out the window and not to mention his affection. to the point where I had almost cheated for the fact that I was not getting the attention at him. I stoped it right on the brink of it and told the other guy that it was simply not something I can go through with because of morals and told him that he really respected me he would never contact me. there has never been another episode ever again, but things have sertianly goten worse. I would then give hime his space to the point where I would not hear from him at days at a time.
at one point he called a phone sex hot line and lied about it when I asked hime about it. I had carried his cell phone bill onto mine because of credit issues, now I nolonger have my cell phone because he could not pay for his bill.
he started working all the time and hardly having any money to show for it, not that I am after him for his money!
but, something must be said about the guy who devoted all his time to work and has nothing in his pockets after the week is thrue!
I started to become suspicious that he was cheating. I started the horrible act of snooping. I never found anything that circumstantial, but enought to question. I didn't feel that I could go on my gut alone. I wanted to protect my self even thought I knew that the act was wronge. we have had a few arguements about this, but have worked through them. I don't feel exactly ok about them because he could never own up to the fact of why I did this and could only focus on the fact that I did. we eventually did move and his so called friend that he worked for and said that he would help flaked at the last minute and caused me to spend the last of my savings plus borrow money from family in order to make it happen.
Once we moved I asked him that things would change, he would spend more time at home and with me and that he would show more intersted with sex and affection, because he was saying that the reason was all the time working.
It never changed, if anything it got worse. this friend of his decided that he didn't have to pay him what he was owed at the the end of the week. my boyfriend was workig even more long hours and even going to work for over night as well as the next day with out sleep. How many people would do that when they weren't getting payed especially by a freind? any wonder I became even more suspicious? The effection was even more out the window as well as the sex. The sex life would only get better if i made strong efort to make it better and communicate. when i tried to communicate he would get all defensive and act as if i was attacking him, even though I was approching it as sweetly and unconflicting as i could.
I mean, how unconfruntational ca you get from saying. " hey, sweet heart, I really miss you and your touch. I know you are tired and stressed alot, but, I can help with that I just need to know that you want me."
Things got so bad that we were going to be evicted from the apartment we shared and I asked my step father, my mother's widower, to take us in. we have been now living here on my step fathers land for nearly a year. part of the reason we are here is the fact that my boyfriend could not pay the rent on account of his friend never paying him and the fact that no matter how hard I tryied I could not get work. Did I mention the fact that my boyfriend can easly get work on account that he has colledge degrees and the fact that he is a high educated englishman. no seriously from england!
I am an art major that no one wants because I have no degree in sales.
He had been wanting to start his own business and I gave him that opportunity as well as saving us from his mistake. and, yes i tryed to discuss this with him as well.
like I said it has nearly been a year and his bussiness is barely off the ground. the affection and time together, is almost non exist. expect if i bring it to attention. he is a work a holic. the sex is the same. only if I initiate it.
he does have a hernea wich does complicate thing but i wil tell you a hort story about why that makes no sense.
he is almost always in pain and he does use that as an excuse I am sorry to say. how can a guy decided to clean house and vacuum everything in the house, want to go to the market fro food, ( when he usually askes me to do it) and many other things like moving furnature around. he will say that he wants me but he will never acy on it. I tell him that I want him to want me and come to me on his own accord. I don't think that that is too much to ask.
he tells me that he wants too but the fact that I am always busy. either ( according to him) i am anywhere between watching a movie to doing word on art to sell online. I ask him quite frankly, what does he expext that i wait around doing nothing?
he seems to always have some excusse and the fact that I try to communicate with nim has him turn into a sarcastic, mean ,hurtful and immature boy from the carrismatic, charmng, intelligent, wondeful, and mature man that he normally is.
I was so sour of the excuses that I kept tryingt to work things out with him. I thought maybe i was doing something wronge. he would always tell me that nothing was. I said maybe it was te fact that I was too available. not that I was always after him, nothing like that, just that it seems like, the more he denied me the more i wanted him and the horneir I was and the more sexually frustrated I became.
I felt like I ws not good enough, not sexy/attractive enough.
I know this to be false, I am not ugly or fat or anything like that and i have men hit on me and stare at me all the time. but, I don't want then I want him!
He tells me that that seems true and that I should be more coy with him, let him chase me and play hard to get so to speak.
I toke it on board and decided to give it a try, even though it felt strange to me.
I never had to do that. I was always a more outspoken and liberated woman.
I was not affraid to approach a man and ask him out. because i always thought that if you relied on a man to approach you you were as good as faking an orgasm. ( you know, the only person that is really let down and cheated is you!)
so I researched this online and found that most of that what he was saying he wanted was a lot of manipulation and game playing. the very thing he said ( as well as me) that he hated. So I went about it ina very non threatening way. I became just a tad more distant but not overly so. I kept myslef busy and not as available. I did not look to him for sex but for a few times( and those were the only times we did !) and a few times turned down sex with him when I was not in the mood, no games there!
even thought he did not aprroach me but maybe 2 times in the whole 2 MONTHS that I tryied it!
So , torturously, I waited. I had even joined a gym, more for me than him. I wanted to work out and feel sexy and confident.
after almost 3 weeks without having sex, I kind of broke down a little. I was on my way to the gym that day and on my way out I gave him a hug and told him that I missed him and his intimacy. he told me quote , unquote " I just have not been able to be sexy at all recently because of this hernea, I could not even wack off if I wanted to."
So I beleived him and went about my day.
2 days later, his computer in his office( which happens to be opposite our bed room) was making loud noises, as from my experience that PC's tend to do, I went half a sleep to his office to turn off the noise. I did not want to dirrectly turn off the computer because of his work. I looked all over his desk top to see if the control was there. then I looked at his internet because a lot of controls are there too. I ended up lookng at his web history because he had recenly changed this special sound on hi computer. ( I know I said before that I have snooped, but believe it or not the only times that I found anything were the times when I was not trying to find anything of that nature.)
what i did find was that he was looking up porn sites on all the days that I was out at the gym, not just porn, but special pictures and erotic MP3's like one in particulaer is the sort of thing that I would say to him.
" oh, honey, I need your cock tonight, why dod you have to work so much? why are you always tired? I was waiting soooo looooong for that big haaarrd cooock!)
You can imagin my outrage and disgust . I mean, what the fuck!? he just told me a few days ago that he could not feel sexy, that he could not even masterbate if he wanted too? why am I fed all these excuses. I keep telling him that if he does not want me , to just tell me and we can figure out anything we need to.
he always swears he does and that he loves me. then why I ask you?
Since i caught him, at first he tried to lye about it and deny it, untill I told him about hard eveidence. then he told me was that he was bored and just randonly looked up the sites. then I asked him, " the same sites ,the same type of material and the same time that I am gone all day? you cannot expect me to believ that you are looking and listening and not getting aroused by it?'"
at that then he simply told me that he did but, he had no idea why he did and that he would never do it again.
we have discussed and agreed that porn be only viewed when the two of us are together. I have no real idea if he has kept ot the agreement, because I will not check up on him even thou the temptation is stronge.
We have also agreed that if i really needed to speak to him for any reasn regardless of what was going ojn that he would listen with love and understanding. we even had a safety word for the beginning. the 2 times times that I tried to talk to him about something and used tha safety word I was met with animosity, nastyness and cruelty. One of the time I told him that I was worried that while I was out of town that he might watch porn. he got really mean and nasty with me, said that he might and that he had not decided yet. I told him and asked him that he realised that this was out of bounds with what we agreed together and he said what would happen if he got really horny while I was away and needed to jack off? I told him just as nasty as he told me, well, then you can use your imagination then, couldn't you? the countless times that I have to wait weeks for you and the few times that I masterbate I imagine things as well as tell you about it!"
he always seems secretive about things and yet things that that is how things should be in order to be healthy.
yet, I made a friend online that i started talking to. It was all innocent and i told my boyfrind about the whole thing. he became very jelous and suspicious, even thought he could no admit it and had a problem with the fact that it was male and the fact i met them online.
well, he has a friend that on HER end isn't so innocent. in from of me she flirted shamlessly with him and even though I brought it to his attention he was unconcerned by it as well as my feelings. she sent him flirty emails for over ayears even thought I kept asking him to limit contact with her. he refused because he said that she was just a friend. i emailed her and asked her to stop flirting with my boyfriend. big mistake I know and I ended up paying for it!
please, please, help me advice any one. AM I being commited and trying to be understanding to an lder man, or ai my love falling on infertal soil?

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HERWriter Guide

Dear Nicole

Thanks for your share and welcome!

Well, you've definitely given us plenty to work with but I'd like to start by telling you one thing. I've known two men who worked constant overtime with no money to show for it and both men were having affairs. I want to put that out there. I have a really hard time believing your boyfriend's endless stories about work and fatigue and moving towns to support a "friend" instead of moving to your town like he promised he would. This makes absolutely no sense at all. This man is not being truthful.

I am so sorry that your mom died - this must have been an incredibly difficult time for you. Your boyfriend wasn't there for you at this time, nor is he ever there for you unless it suits him. Nicole - think about things rationally, rather than emotionally, even though I know it's hard. Nothing in the relationship is working; and none of it makes sense - unless he is cheating, not really divorced from his wife (have you seen divorce papers, I would check into that) or up to some kind of criminal activity. Then it makes perfect sense. He's spending all his time working during the week, but has no money - and then sleeps in his car at night? Let's be real - that's not happening.

His insistence that you change your personality (you are outgoing and assertive, he wants you to be shy and coy) means he is manipulating you. You are the puppet, he is the puppet master. To tell you not to approach him sexually, as he wants to do the chasing, and then never chase you is a mind-game at it's finest and he has no right to do this to you. When you do approach him, he says he's not in the mood and then criticizes your approach. This is a very damaged relationship, Nicole. I know you said he is "charismatic, wonderful and mature" except when he's mean, sarcastic, hurtful and immature." Well, we're all nice unless we're being horrible, right? But being "wonderful" on rare occasions doesn't allow us a free pass to be manipulative and cruel at all other times. Life doesn't work like that - if you believe that you deserve better. Do you believe that you deserve better, Nicole? I think you do but your actions say differently. You're playing into the manipulation by following his 'rules', joining the gym to be more physically pleasing to him and not questioning his phone sex and internet porn because he has agreed to stop doing it. But he hasn't. And he probably won't.

Nicole, obviously we only have your side so it's hard to give advice since we don't have his opinion. He may feel very differently about the whole thing. But if what you say is happening, I can tell you that he is not being a good boyfriend to you and unless you both get into intensive couple's counseling, he never will be. I'm not telling you to end the relationship, because we all have different levels of tolerance. But I need you to think as objectively and rationally as possible. Instead of you in this position, imagine it all happening to your daughter. What would you tell her?

We have but one life to live, Nicole and there are many, many wonderful men out there who love and cherish their women. They are not as rare as women make out. Good men are everywhere! If your boyfriend won't change, continues his ill-treatment of you and refuses to talk things through, then free yourself up for one of those good men. I would hate for you to stay with this man for years and years, hoping he'll change, only to get out of it too late and wish you had left far sooner. Don't set yourself up for a life of regretful memories. Everything you do today is a memory tomorrow. Make them good ones - you owe it to yourself.

I want to leave you by quoting the end of your share. You said "AM I being commited and trying to be understanding to an lder man, or ai my love falling on infertal soil?"

Instead of a question, make it a statement. "I am committed and trying to be understanding but my love is falling on infertile soil."

And I think within this statement lies your answer.

My best to you, Nicole. Will you stay in touch with us?

October 10, 2009 - 6:13am
(reply to Susan Cody)

First of all, Thank you so very much for the input and the kind words. I have taken what you say to heart and am thinking deeply on it.
It does need to be said that I didn't join the gym for him, I did it for myself. I looked at it as a place of healing , not just for my body, but for my mind and soul and heart.
The helping to support a friend was him helping out a man that was failing in his business and addicted to drugs. This man would spend the money on drugs rather than paying my boyfriend. I have seen this first hand as I have been to that work place often enough. the friend ship ended badly when they had a very confusing argumment that i caught wind of bit and peices that didn't make sense. and we were going to be kicked out of our apartment because of no money. I have actually gotten in touch with this ex friend of his after a year and aked him what his side of the story was. I am waiting to hear his reply. As far as his sleeping in the car, I am only 50 percent on that with having evidence as well as arguements that can pleade either way.
Since we have moved we are around each other alot more as we both work from home. but the strange ness does continue. he is so wraped up in himself and worried about his life and his success and his anything, that I dare call him selfish. And he is not happy with it his life. 1 day he will be fine and be the self I know and love and happy and positive. then 2 days after he is sullen and aloof, with drawn cold and cruel. he is having trouble bringing in clients for his bussiness to the money part suffers. I do understand that it takes a great deal of hard work to get a bussiness going, but how long is long enough? and am I expected to wait on the back burner forever untill he figures it out? I don't think so!
To the point that I am wondering if he is bi-polar. I will need to do more research on this as I do not know enough about the ill-ness to have a stronge hypothosis.
the morning before and last night we had 2 very terrible fights. he used my vonerabilitys against me and said and did things that he knew would hurt me.
he had been angry with me because he found me on that morning where I had drank all night, and in the morning I was drunk and laying in the living room of our home listening to music. He can be such a hippocrate because he will spend all day, everyday smoking and being high on pot. That is his choice is he chooses to do that and I have never been ugly with him over his choice of leasure activities. ( of course as long as they do not involve hurting me or anyone else!) I have asked him to slow down on his use because I felt that all day everyday is too much and that it will effect his mind. he lets it roll off him and does what he wants anyway!
So hypocritical and such a double standard. I am well above legal age to drink and when I decide to I do it in the safety of my own home, I do not drive and I do not disturb anyone .besides, AT LEAST WHAT I DO IS LEGAL!
the second round last night, he became so hurtful and he had me in emotional hysterics, I finally got him to leave the house even though he kept refusing. He would ask me why and I would tell him because I do not want someone in the same house with me, that would treat me that way! I am a very strong woman, but, I do have my limites!
I finally ot him out by taking his laptop computer he had in the living room and put it on the table outside along with its power supply and his breifcase leaning up against the table. when he went outside to retreive it I quickly closed the from door behind me and locked it! he was not very happy about that.
The old friend of my family, a man that has been like a god father to me came up to see if I was alright. we talked for the better half of 2 hours before he went back to my step fathers house, that happens to be next door. my boy friend spent the night there. he came back early in the afternoon and i saw him in the living room after I woke up. the weirdest thing is that he didn't not bring it up at all yet he acted as if nothing happened and was especially sweet to me and even made me dinner.
I am so perplexed by this behaviour. he is a sleep even now as I write this. I have decided that I did not want to bring anything up because I am not sure how to do so without giving him the upper hand. I am not the one that needs to appologise here. he needs to see what he is doing and account for his actions.
As far as the affairs. While he was doing so much work and sleeping in his car, there have been a few times that I have beleived that he had done so, but what woman would this man pick up if he was ragged and came home smelling to high heavan? obvious that he had not showered for a week.
As far as the phone sex and the porn I did question him on both things very much. I found on my cell phone bill some weird 800 numbers that I know i didn't call. they were made at about 1:30-1:45 in the morning from his phone and it was all of 4 calls that lasted anywhere from a minute to 5 minutes. he swears that someone else had used his phone to make the calls, but i cannot really prove that they didn't even though all signs point to it. besides who is going to have access to his phone at that time in the morning. I figured out that they were phone sex because i called the number. they required you to have a credit card. how could he make those calls if he doesn't even own a credit card?
the porn we had a long talk about and i greatly expressed to have everything that bothered me about it.
I did see the divorce papers as I had to look them up online and it is legitimate. he has told me some aweful stories about that relationship and since all this has been going on between the both of us i have even been tempted to contact her and ask her her side of things, though i don't really beleive that it would be a wise thing to do, I could be opening a big can of worms with that.
I have said before that yes i looked thrue papers and emails and computer files and phone bills ect ect ect, you name it. my boyfriend gets very angry when he finds out that I have done that. saying that it is an invasion of privacy and that I don't trust him. I realy am aware of these facts and have two minds about the whole thing. i didn't start snooping untill he was giving me reason and shacking my confidence.
especially after the porn incident and I told him thatthat it would take me a while to trust him again. he said he understaood that. so when I was worried i would look. after the porn thing he caught me looking in his email and he became so furious with me for almost a week. he threatnd to leave me which i just said go then! he didn't leave though. he asked me why I did it and I told him because of the porn how was I to be sure that he was telling me the the truth? he said all i needed to do was to ask him. I said why so you can just make something up?
thank you for your help and patients, i understand that this is a lot of information and I will definitly stay in touch.
thank you susanc

October 11, 2009 - 3:35am
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