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Why is he sexually dissatisfied?

By November 21, 2009 - 11:03am
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My boyfriend and I dated for 6 months last year. We broke up, and it was horrible. We didn't speak for 5 months. We came back to college, and he ended up realizing that it was a mistake for us to have broken up. We are back together now, and everything is going better than it ever has except our sex lives. We are so in love and we talk about being married all the time, but he is not sexually satisfied. I enjoy our sex, but the last few times he has not been able to orgasm. The first time that this happened, he said it was because I was not playing an active enough role. Now I have certainly stepped it up, and I am getting even less response from him. We have talked about it, and he really doesn't have any physical suggestions for things I can do. I really want to fix this part of the relationship because everything else is so great. He said that the problem with sexual chemistry was part of why we broke up last year, but now he thinks it is worth fixing. Is it possible to fix? He says he is attracted to me and the idea of sex with me is great, but the actual thing is disappointing. I feel like it should be easy for a guy to orgasm -- especially if we are so in love. What should I do to help the situation?

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I think that your advice is good. However, I do not think he is being graded on his performance at all. He has said many times how great he is at sex, and implied that this can't be his fault. I think his attitude of blame is another issue. He says it's not his fault, but implies that it is somewhat my fault. It is not his fault that he does not enjoy sex with me that much, but it is not my fault either because I am trying any suggestion that he gives me. Part of the problem may be that he has had a lot more experience than I have. He is the only person I have had sex with, and I am admittedly not very confident sexually. The only way I will become more confident is through positive reinforcement, which I am not getting at the moment. It makes sense that I would be less desirable because I am not a take charge, sex goddess. However, it should be desirable that he is the only person I have been intimate with, and he can teach me what he likes. We will try not having sex for awhile and see how it goes when we do have sex again. I think we both need to forget the past and start fresh, but I don't know exactly how to put all the old thoughts out of our heads.

November 21, 2009 - 1:25pm
HERWriter Guide

Dear Seahorse,

In addition to Melissa's great advice to you, and adding to your own thoughts about lessening the pressure, I would suggest to you that you stop having sex for at least two weeks. When I say "sex" I mean intercourse. You can do anything else you want but no penetration. This will allow you both to get more in tuned to what you both like and to relieve you both of any worries about "performance". Just have tons of kissing and foreplay - nothing else, for two weeks. Then, without picking a time or date (because that's way too much stress on anyone!) have time together again and allow intercourse to happen naturally (if it doesn't lead to that, it's ok, don't push it).

I think your boyfriend may be having performance anxiety and feeling like he is being graded on his performance. I don't think you are consciously doing this at all! But I think this may be his inference.

Try it out and see what happens; it certainly can't hurt.

We wish you the best and do keep us updated!

November 21, 2009 - 12:50pm

Thank you so much. It is reassuring to hear that things can get better. Yes, I am willing to do anything to satisfy him. It is frustrating because I have tried to do the things he has asked for, but they still haven't worked. Now he doesn't really have any suggestions. He says we should both just think about it. One thing is that it has only happened 3 times that he has been unable to ejaculate. The first time I was not trying very hard and he was exhausted. I think this may have created a mental block for us. We are both putting a lot of pressure on the situation, and even if it is better we may not notice because we are so worried that he may not orgasm again. I am going to suggest that we both take some pressure off the situation and try to make sex a more fun and loving act again.

November 21, 2009 - 12:13pm
EmpowHER Guest

Hi Seahorse,

Thank you for your question and I am certainly sorry to hear about your difficulties because I know this causes insecurities about yourself. I am very familiar with the situation that you are in as I was also in a similar situation. Let me explain my situation which may help you.

I was in a very loving relationship where my boyfriend was unable to ejaculate at times. This was very confusing and it caused me to feel very insecure about our relationship. Much of the problem was what satisfied him. What turned him on and what he expected from me. I was very happy with his sexual contact with me but there were things that he needed to help him enjoy his time.

Talk to him about it all and ask him what you can do. Try to make him comfortable enough to explain what he likes and what he wants you to do. Give him an open forum. Then you must try and try until you get it right. You love this guy, right? You will try to do anything to satisfy him. The only way that you will be able to fix it is if he is honest with you about what he wants or how he likes sex.

I hope this helps. Just remember it is not you. It may be something simple as mine was at the time. Maybe your previous time together wasn't as loving as it is this time around and he is more in tune with you as a wife instead of a girlfriend and the sexual relationship may differ in his mind. Be open minded about what he tells you but communication is key here.
Please keep us updated on what happens.

November 21, 2009 - 11:21am
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