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Why is my husband addicted to porn and chat rooms?

By Anonymous November 22, 2009 - 12:12pm
 
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im 27 years old and just entered my second marriage. My first marriage was very abusive, physically and verbally. I have two small children from that marriage. After i decided to get a divorce, i waited 3 yrs before i dated someone else. He is now my current husband. When i met him he was so quiet and humble (so i thought) which i now see is meaning sneaky and deceitful. Weve been married for 3 mnths and im just finding out about his porn addiction. I used to have dreams that he was sitting in a chair and there were people sitting in front of him having sex. I blew it off thinking it was me being insecure. I found e-mails from him to some whore off of something called online booty call, telling her she looks amazing and asking when could they meet at his place or hers. (he was living with me at the time) when i confronted him he said it was before we were dating. Even though he sent this woman a picture of himself and it had my 2 yr old son in it! Not only did he include me, but he included my son too! Thats what hurt the most. My children were hurt by teir father and now ive invited someone else in to do tthe same. im so upset at myself and trying to figure out why. Whats wrong with me? I dont trust him anymore. Ive tried to get over it and i cant. Everytime i look at him or he tells me he loves me its like poison to me! SOMEBODY HELP!!! I cant even sleep at night and im tired!

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EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I had that past and I was there at that age married to a person I realized early on I knew nothing about. When we got engaged he told me sex before marriage was wrong! Of course we had been intimate for 8 mths prior! Big flag went off and I ignored it. Now 21 years later we are finally divorced after years of mental abuse at the hand of his addiction. I was not sexy enough, didn't make him feel like a man all because I refused to endulge in his worsening sex addiction world! If someone had told me then to get out, I doubt I would not have listened. But no one said a word! Not my friends, not my family! They all saw it and said nothing! Who wants to be the bad guy? I now realize I was in the same old relationship, just different facts. I was choosing the same man that had brought me down. Would I go back and change anything? Absolutely I would tell my younger self to get out! Would she listen? Who knows! Clearly I was dealing with my own insecurities and self worth. Only you know what you want and need.

March 16, 2017 - 6:47pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I just found out that my husband of 40 years has been looking at internet porn for the last two years. I understand how it could have begun innocently since he had stints put in his heart and the new blood pressure medicine was causing some problems with ED for him and I had lost my father, sister, brother, and brother in law in the last few years and my mon is suffering from dementia so in a very real way I have lost my entire immediate family and their support. So I have been very depressed and did not address with him at first my concerns that the intimate relations did not result in mutual fulfillment and that contributed to my lack of desire for sex. The bad thing was that we were both so self absorbed that not talking to each other for at least on my part I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I found a couple of pictures of naked women but was so shocked that I didn't look to see if there were more. He never learned to use a computer but we both got smart phones and he told me that a friend showed him how to find these internet sites. He blamed me for my lack of interest. And seemed to justify what he was doing even when I told him that I was deeply hurt by this and that it seemed totally out of character that he would contribute to an industry that exploited women. He adored his mother, was raised by 3 older sisters, has a daughter, and two beautiful grand daughters who he adores as well. He has always seemed disgusted by this industry in the past. I saw a couple more pictures over the course of the next 8 months but again I never searched his phone because I guess I didn't want to know it was bad. Still my opinion of him has decline, my anger towards him has grown steadily to the point that everything he does annoys me and sometimes I feel like I truly hate him. I don't understand how he can continue to do something that he knows breaks my heart, and we fight all the time. ( I can remember going years without either of us saying a cross word to one another. ). Now he always blames me, says I'm going crazy, and my self esteem has dwindle to almost nothing. We have terrible fights that last for days and we have said horrible things to each other that I'm not sure either of us will ever be able to forget. Still a part of me blamed myself. Then we had a really bad fight that lasted for days and totally ruined my birthday because I couldn't stop crying and therefore I couldn't be around my children or they would be probing as to why I was so upset and I was not ready to burn that bridge. Anyway he left his phone on the coffee table when he was in bed sick. I looked at his pictures. On his favorites album there were about eight pictures. A few of our grand babies, 2 of me when I was sleeping and my gown was up and did it include my face but were just of my underwear. Then one picture of a woman's face that I did not recognize. I clicked on it a was led to a porn sight that said there are 40 some odd women within 10 miles of his home that were ready to have sex with him. Then I scrolled down his photo albums and found one titled deleted photos. He apparently deleted them from his photo stream but kept the album. There were 687 deleted pictures and these were not just a naked woman these were women fondling themselves, and pictures of just twats, tits, and assholes. I was physically ill. I could not stop throwing up. Before I confronted him about it I did some research on line about porn why men do it, how addicted it is and how it changes their attitude about what women want. No wonder I felt like he wasn't making love to me anymore. No wonder it felt like he was doing with a whore, no kissing or fore play. I printed a lot of stuff from the internet for him to read hoping if he understood how damaging it was to him as well as me he would want to get help. He agreed that a lot of what I said was probably true but as far as I know has still not read them although he agreed to get counseling if I made the appointment but wanted to make sure I got counseling too. Last night he left his phone in the kitchen and since I had not done this yet I wanted to do an internet search on his phone hoping he would forget about it and then after he went to bed I could see if I found out anything else. I looked at it only for long enough to see that he had not deleted anything the casually threw a dish towel over it so maybe he wouldn't see it. Right before he went to bed he of course couldn't find his phone. He retraced his steps and finally found it under the towel. Now I don't know when I'll get a chance to see if it goes beyond still pictures. I'm seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow because I don't know what to do. I want to leave him but she told me that 38 great years should be worth getting help. I found a specialist counselor and made him an appointment I hope he goes. I don't have a lot of faith that he will change and I don't want to live in a marriage where I don't want my husband to touch me. I can give my email address at this time because that part is on the cloud and he can see my emails. I will need to set up a new account but please if anyone gas any advice if you could post it on the website I will update email once I set one up. Baffled in Austin

April 2, 2015 - 2:39pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Hello, My name is Jen and I am a producer for a new talk show on CBS in NYC. We are looking to help couple in this situation. Please give me a call at 347-974-1641.

September 10, 2013 - 11:11am

Hi,
I'm sorry you are going through this, but after reading your initial question (regarding your husband and porn addiction), and reading the remainder of your story...it sounds like the issue really is not about your husband watching porn, but rather, his SOLICITING sex from other women.

You know that he has done this since you have been with him, as you saw a picture he sent of himself to another woman, with the purpose of soliciting sex, and the picture included your son in the background. This is not OK.

Even with this information, you have decided to marry this man, and although you say you though he was different (his quietness seemed humble), you made a conscious decision to marry this man, knowing that he was soliciting sex from other women on the internet. Please stop making excuses and trying to figure out what is wrong with your husband, or pretending like you did not know this was going on. You say you knew about this when you were dating/living together, and decided to get married. That was your choice, and I truly think once you accept your decision, only then can you move forward. Do not demean or otherwise put yourself down for this decision, but rather, accept that you made this decision with the full information, own that decision, and then you can move forward.

How to move forward? You can't "fix" your husband, unless he is interested in seeking help. Once you know that you made a decision to be with this person---faults and all---then you have some of your own decisions to make, both for yourself and your children.

I believe the only way to figure out your next steps and how to move forward are through counseling. There is a reason why you continue choosing men who are unhealthy (to say the least). I am so glad you got out of one bad relationship that included violence---I am so, so sorry you wen through this, and you had to be very strong and courageous to more forward with your life and decide that you do not deserve to be battered and emotionally abused.

However, I am worried that you are continuing to choose men that are not able to provide you with their share of a healthy relationship. You can not "fix" your ex-husband's abusive behavior, just as you can not "fix" your current husband's behaviors to solicit sex from other women---whether or not it is labeled as porn. Yes, some men (and women) will view porn as part of a healthy sexual relationship, and this is controversial enough to many people, however, your now-husband emailing and sending pictures to a woman, asking to meet for sex is not OK. For numerous other reasons, there is a very high chance that these "women" are under legal age, and this would be criminal activity, illegal, and very harmful. Regardless if you were "only" dating or "only" living together, this is not OK to be treated in this way as his girlfriend/living partner/wife.

PLEASE seek help for YOURSELF through a qualified therapist who can help guide you through the process of determining what is best for you, who you deserve in your life, and what you can do to build a happy, nurturing, healthy home for yourself and your children.

November 22, 2009 - 12:25pm
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