share: Colonoscopy - husband with family history of colon cancer & hates doctors
I am very upset about a doctor visit that we had recently morning. My husband has a family history of colon cancer and I MADE him go for colonoscopy a year ago and they found two polyps. I set up an appointment for him again for this morning and again the doctor found a new polyp which he removed. We have a gastro surgeon in the family who advised us about colonoscopy and who said that if I did not make my husband go for this colonoscopy he would have full blown cancer in 5 years. As you may know I have been very wary of these health issues and have changed my diet and life style completely (organic food, lots of outdoor exercise, looking for a less stressful job). At the beginning my hubby was against my organic vegetarian eating but now he is into it and eats pretty much what I eat.
Today we had an incident at the doctor’s office. As I have been doing a lot of research about colonoscopy and other procedures about preventing colon cancer, I had a long list of questions for the doctor. I also have a tendency to “pound” on people and am very intense in meetings. To cut the very long story short, the doctor got very upset with me and lost patience with me after I sent him lots of emails with questions, ask tons of questions before the procedure (and my husband was trying to stop me from asking questions even thought it was for his own good), and then called his assistant and asked her to tell him to also do a prostate exam when he was already in the middle of colonoscopy. My husband says that I really put the doctor in the corner, that he is very good at what he does and that I was “hammering” him and that I often do this with other people. This may be the truth as when I get focused on something, I really want to get it done very well and thoroughly. My 12 step program sponsor told me that my husband’s health is none of my business. But I know that if I did not make him go for the colonoscopy he world have never gone. He never even heard of this procedure before. He is 50 years old and I think he might have seen a doctor once or twice over 20 years ago. He hates going to doctors and thinks that he can just hand his heath over to the higher power and has no need for any checkups or doctors.
My husband has been very upset with me.
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Dear Anon
Thank you for your share.
Let's take several of the topics you've talked about step by step.
With regard to your husband's health, I'm glad he has taken the time to get checked and have a colonoscopy, due to past results as well as family history. I don't agree with your counselor that your husband's health is none of your business. When we commit to someone in marriage, their life becomes our business. This is why some of the vows include "for better or worse, in sickness and in health..." etc. But what he/she may have meant is that you cannot ultimately force a grown person to take part in procedures they are unwillingly to take part in. Some people do hand over their health "to a higher power" and to many, that may seem crazy. But it is their right to do that and we don't have the power, nor the right to "force" them if their religious beliefs tell them otherwise.
Additionally, you cannot call an assistant and ask him to tell the doctor to engage in an additional procedure, mid surgery. Not only is this inappropriate and distracting (and an assistant is not normally by his phone, near an operating room anyway), there are legal ramifications. Your husband would have signed off on whatever procedure (s) were indicated and we can't add and subtract like a restaurant menu. It doesn't work like that.
I understand you have your husband's welfare at heart and your concern for his well-being is obvious. You love him and want a long life with him and I really admire you for this!
But "pounding" on people is not acceptable behavior and will not increase your husband's odds of paying more attention to his health. It will alienate you from his own doctors and your husband may fail to tell you of symptoms for fear you'll over-react and give him a hard time. "Hammering" a doctor is inappropriate. What's appropriate is having a list of questions that are pertinent to the subject at hand and making sure he answers your questions and concerns. You and your husband have every right to have these addressed but you don't have the right to "pound" or "hammer" anyone in order to get it done, particularly when the doctors have not shown any signs of being dismissive or otherwise shoddy in their treatment of your husband.
Think of it this way: your actions and reactions didn't do anything to help your husband in terms of encouraging him to be proactive about his health. Instead both his medical team and he himself are angry with you. So you can see that this method clearly doesn't work. In order to achieve a different result, you need to change your method.
Keep a clear head, ask questions (a list is a great idea) in a concise, non-confrontational way, take notes and follow up on any confusion you may have. Don't pound or hammer anyone. I would not allow that do be done to be and I am sure your husband's medical team feel the same way. Don't forget that they are on your (and your husband's) side! You can get all the information you need, in a respectful and mannerly way. Playing hardball in an otherwise non-offensive situation will make you and your husband the ultimate losers so keep a clear and calm head.
You might want to help your husband educate himself about his health. A 50 year old man who hasn't heard of a colonoscopy is very unusual. Do you think he avoids the topic of his health altogether? Perhaps borrow a book about men's health from the library and encourage him (no hardball!) to read it. Check out some medical information on TV and online together. Make sure your husband knows you do this out of love, as I have no doubt that you are doing it out of love (and worry) but your technique just needs tweaking.
And lastly, a short and sweet apology to both your husband and medical team might be a good idea. It doesn't have to be a drawn out "big thing" but you did upset people with a very hardlined approach that was probably deemed quite offensive by both parties. Say you're sorry and that you did what you did out of worry. They'll understand. Your husband may be angry because you are still sticking to your guns but I think you know, based on what you have said, that your behavior wasn't helpful. And we all have moments like this, believe me! A quick acknowledgment will go a very long way and you will reopen the lines of communication.
You will never be able to "force" your husband into procedures or check-ups, I'm afraid. But what you can do is lovingly increase his awareness and help him educate himself. Everyone can change, he can, in terms of his own attitude toward his health. And you also can, in terms of your approach to things.
Remember that he, his doctors, and you are a team. The team won't work unless you all work together. Your husband and his doctors need to listen to your concerns and answer your questions - you deserve that And you need to do it in a polite manner without "hammering" anyone - they deserve that.
And when all of you can work together, your husband should be able to see that his health awareness and education is not only good for him, it's good for you - meaning it's good for you both.
Thank you for being an advocate for your husband! I hope this helps you and we wish you both the very best.
November 20, 2009 - 2:57pmThis Comment
Dear Susan,
Thank you so much for your kind response. The doctor and I apologied to each other at the end of the meeting so do I still need to make a written apology? Also re "pounding" I was not offensive or rude, just very focused and had lots of quetions as I am a business woman. I was polite with the docotr but my husband says that when i get focused I become very intense and also that I cornered the docotr with lots of questions. I think that the only thing that I did that was really bad, was that I interrupted the colonoscopy.
I have another problem with my husband. He keeps on saying that he is very depressed and that we need to change things in our life, that he does not have enough activity and that he is feeling very lonely isolated, kind of a vegetable. We moved out to a foreing country 4 years ago where the culutre is very different from anglosaxon culture, people are cold and we do not really speak the local langugage. As I am very socialble and in 12 step programs, I am OK but he did not really manage to make friends here and we are now in the process of moving to a differnt place where we know the culture, speak the language and people are generally warm and friendly. But the move will take a while and he is REALLY draning me with his constant complaints and constantly telling me how depressed he is. I feel like I am fixing and doing everything and I am totally drained by his low moods. What do you suggest I do?
November 24, 2009 - 11:31amHi Samuri - Yes, your actions warrant a further apology to the doctor and his team. It doesn't have to be a big, formal written letter. My suggestion would be an honest handwritten note, perhaps with some home made cookies or some other kind of small food gift that would be appreciated. Just as you are a business woman, the doctor is a business man, and common business courtesies are needed here to help mend the damage that's been done.
As for your husband, his situation is one that he owns and that he will need to resolve. You can only make suggestions. One that I would make is that he become actively engaged in preparing for your move by doing things such as Internet research about the area, move preparations in your current home, and more. The move may be a ways away, but it sounds like one that both of you are looking forward to and that focusing on the future, instead of the past, would be helpful.
While I understand your frustration, you're going to continue to feel drained as long as you continue to believe that your husband is responsible for your attitude and don't recognize that, just like him, you are responsible for your own situation and only you can resolve it.
Essentially, I'm giving you the same information that Diane gave you when you asked this same question as a separate ASK. I wish you the best in going forward with your life and with your move.
December 2, 2009 - 5:40pmTake good care,
Pat
my husband's mom had colon cancer and he refused to get a colonoscopy. I did everything I could to make him go but he wouldn't. He died 16 years ago from Colon Cancer. Do whatever you can to make your husband go to the Dr. He will thank you for it later
December 2, 2009 - 5:00pmHi Anon - I'm sorry to hear about your husband. Thanks for taking the time to write to us, and for your kind words of advice. Take care, Pat
December 2, 2009 - 5:44pmDear Pat,
Thank you. I sent a note to the doctor and we are going to send him a bottle of wine for Xmas.
Anon/Samurai
December 3, 2009 - 9:27am