Last time we talked, I mentioned my embarrassing new problem: vaginal dryness, and how I came to realize the dry-dry wasn’t going bye-bye. In fact, it was getting worse. I had to take action. I had to, in short, find the perfect personal lubricant.
I turned to my girlfriends but one after another, they’d clam up, pretending like it was Niagara Falls every time they had sex. Jody, over lunch one day, reached for my hand across the table and squeezed it hard.
“I’m soooo sorry it’s soooo bad for you,” she said as though she’d just read a draft of my suicide note. I shook my hand free and shoved a big forkful of cheesecake in my mouth.
“Yeah, well,” I swallowed hard. “I’ll figure it out. Someday.”
I turned to Google and typed in, “personal lubricant.” There was so much choice, I felt a sugar addict in Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. My favorite link was, “licking vaginal dryness without a prescription.” What are they thinking? Everyone knows you don’t need a prescription to have oral sex.
There are “Liquid Silk” lubes, “Good Head Gels,” flavored lubes, vegan-safe lubes, and just plain “Slippery Stuff”. They “Devour me Lickable,” “Astroglide,” and “Hydrosmooth.” They’re sugar-free and “Sliquid Sassy.” There’s even a lube that comes in the form of pearl-sized capsules you insert in your vagina before sex. The heat is supposed to dissolve the capsules but I’d probably sneeze and turn into a human be-be gun.
Eventually I hit on the idea of eliminating lubes with ingredients I couldn’t pronounce, such as dimethiconepropylene or tetrahydroxypropyl ethylenediamine. That helped but I still couldn’t decide. So, after careful deliberation, I went to plan B. I’d let the boyfriend decide.
I was in the kitchen mixing up instant mashed potatoes. The prince was splayed out on the couch, reading a magazine.
“Honey,” I said my mouth full of potato. “Have you noticed something’s missing from our sex life?”
He lifted his head over a pile of decorative pillows. “Oh no,” he moaned. “Am I in trouble?”
I laughed. “No, no,” I said. “It’s just that things seem a little dry when they should be wet.”
I cut to the chase. “What’s your frank opinion on personal lubricants?”