Hide This

FREEHER HealthToolkit

HER Health Toolkit

Sign up for EmpowHER updates and you'll receive our
FREE HER Health Toolkit

Sexual Health

Get Email Updates

Related Checklists

Sexual Health Guide

Rosa Cabrera RN

Have a question? We're here to help. Ask the Community.

ASK

Health Newsletter

Receive the latest and greatest in women's health and wellness from EmpowHER - for free!

When Sex "Self-Help" is Part of the Problem

By Dr. Marty Klein Expert
 
Rate This

When it comes to sex, most self-help books offer more "self" than "help. People keep buying them--when they stop, so will the publishers--and they keep feeling disappointed. Many readers wonder what's wrong with them when they don't achieve the greatest sex in the history of the world.

When these books don't deliver the ultimate sex, it's generally not the reader's fault. It's because most self-help books are limited in what they can actually offer. And they leave out some very important facts that help shape our sexual experience. Let's look at a few:

* Desire:
There are two good reasons many people don't want sex: 1) they don't expect to enjoy it, or 2) they're not getting along with their partner. When one or both of these are true, low desire is healthy, not something to fix.

Our romantic culture declares that desire is supposed to be driven by love, but our own experience tells us this isn't necessarily true: most people have desired someone they didn't love (and maybe even disliked), and most people in long-term relationships watch their desire decline with the very person they love most.

No one really knows what keeps a few older couples hot for each other while so many other adults lose interest in their mates. It's some rare "chemistry"--these couples don't need or use any secret techniques. For most everyone else, methods of maintaining novelty are essential, and for many people even this doesn't work.

Sex therapists unanimously agree that desire problems are the hardest to repair in adults. If books don't help with yours, you are certifiably "normal."

* Female orgasm:
Different women climax in different ways, and most women never come from intercourse alone. Lots of books urge women to pursue orgasms by stimulating their vagina or G-spot, while other books suggest you're not really alive if you don't have multiple orgasms.

While all these variations can be lovely, for too many women (and their partners) such suggestions feel like pressure.

If you're a woman and you like your orgasms, keep doing what you're doing.

Add a Comment2 Comments

Susan Cody HERWriter Guide

Thank you for this, Dr Klein.

I feel the same way about "parenting" books as you do about "sex help" books. While everyone may need a little help now again, my experience has found they tend to frustrate readers unless the book is very specifically dealing with a person's individual problem.

September 14, 2009 - 1:01pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Having great, even good sex depends on the level of communication and friendship between partners. Therefore those in a healthy long term relationship can build there sex lives together for years, which will take you beyond what the professionals call your sexual peak. I agree, books that claim to show you the new best sex positions etc are bogus, and I have found anything that depicts the model perfect couple is highly suspecious. However, there are good books and videos out there that address the whole of a relationship and show you steps to learn more about one anothers bodies, improve your communication, and even offer a wider view of what orgasm beyond climaxing can be. Desire - it has been repressed by societies rules, especially for women, it is hard to even know what it feels like let alone how to cultivate it. There are people who know precisely what can keep sex "hot" between partners for many years and have made this information available in yes, books, and videos and even courses and they have been doing it for years. One example is the Welcomed Consensus - yes their focus is female orgasm, and yes they do offer a technique called Deliberate Orgasm, but the biggest part of this is about the relationship, making it a prority, being friends and talking honestly, approving of one another, and having a sex life together that builds and gets better over time, and having fun. My partner and I have used their videos, taken their courses and know this to be true.

September 14, 2009 - 9:53am
Image CAPTCHA
Enter the characters shown in the image.
By submitting this form, you agree to EmpowHER's terms of service and privacy policy

We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.

Improved

1772 Health

Changed

678 Lives

Saved

535 Lives
8 lives impacted in the last 24 hrs Learn More

Take Our Featured Health Poll

Do you think sex gets better as you age? :
View Results