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By October 10, 2009 - 6:02pm
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I cant seem to trust my boyfriend we have been together now for 2yrs and we have a child together and always think his cheating on me, when his not, iv been molested twice when i was 5 by the gardner that worked for us, i never told any one but my sister who never talks about it, and molested again when i was 11 by a so called man of god, my mother use to go to his church and i think she trusted him we stayed in his place once and that was when it happened i told my mother and she said to me it was the work of the devil that the pastor was a good man, my mother always use to blame me that i was the cause of my father not being with here anymore, my father use to cheat on my mother he use to make promises that never was fufilled and the first man i ever feel in love with cheated on me and lied, then i meet the man in my life he is really good to me but i cant controll my self frm not being paranoid that his cheating on me i love him and i want my relationship to work but i dont know how to fix this problem i need help

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First of all, I'm sooo proud of you that you got the courage to write this all out. That's huge, especially when you've only told a couple of people about this, and their reactions were not helpful.

I want to agree with and emphasize what Miscortes and Alison said. THESE EVENTS WERE NOT YOUR FAULT.

I put that in all capital letters because I really want you to know that no child who has been molested can ever be held responsible for it. Adults who molest children prey on them instead of protecting them. It doesn't matter what any child does or doesn't do -- molestation is not OK. It is illegal and immoral, and it hurts the child so much. This clearly has been your experience. I'm so very sorry you went through those things. Your gardener did something unforgiveable. And the pastor, well, don't even get me started on him.

Of course you don't trust men. How could you? Your entire body and brain know otherwise, from experience. Your entire body and brain have learned that it is better to be suspicious, because that way when something bad happens, it won't hurt as much. You won't be surprised. You have just learned to protect yourself, and protecting yourself has come to mean "don't trust men."

But that thinking can be changed. It just takes some therapy and some time. You need to do this for your child, too, so that you can raise him or her to have healthy relationships. You are young enough that if you start talking to a therapist now, you can change a lot of things about your future.

Do you know how to find a therapist? Do you have any insurance? If you need help finding someone to talk to, please write back and let me know where you live (city and state).

October 12, 2009 - 9:31am
EmpowHER Guest

Hi Anna,

I agree with what Allison suggested. I am also sorry to hear about the things that you are dealing with and had to endure. It is certainly beneficial to you to seek professional help in this situation. We all tend to have issues with our pasts that come to haunt us in the future but it is certainly not your new man's fault. It is hard to change that thought pattern by ourselves.

One of the things you will learn in counseling is that none of the things that occurred to you was your fault. As such, the next person in your life will not be the same as the first. Everyone is different. I know that seems hard to believe at times but it is certainly the truth.

I hope that you obtain the help you need so you may move on and live a fulfilled life. Please keep us updated on your progress.

October 11, 2009 - 8:50am

Hi Anna,

I responded to another question of yours, and wanted to post here, too.

I am so sorry that you have had all of these traumatic and devastating early experiences. My best advice for you, in order to start learning how to trust other people in your life (and, perhaps yourself), is to seek counseling with a credible and highly-respected professional therapist.

Let us know how we can help.

October 11, 2009 - 7:48am
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