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My boyfriend have STD, recovered somehow, we have sex less frequently

By Anonymous July 9, 2011 - 7:02pm
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My boyfriend of 1 and a half years have been diagnosed with herpes & gential warts about 4~6months ago. And I haven't had any till now. He told me that he did not know how he got it but it's obvious. He told me that he love me and that I'm the only girl he ever wanted. I don't think he cheated on me though as he spends a lot of time with me and I trust him. Our sexual life have been decelerating and I don't now why. He told me that it's because of his STD that made him less "horny" and that he doesn't want to have sex with me everytime we meet as he does not want a "all sex only" relationship. When I ask if he is willing to commit, he turns grumpy,and said that he doesn't like mr doubting him. I've been having moodswings on and off everytime because I'm on medication. We had talked about my frequent moodswings and he had agreed on understanding and tolerating me till my medication have ended in 2months time. He treated me really nice and sweet. And l love him so much. Ok, on top of all those, I just want to know why he have been less sexual active nowadays, is it because of his STD or is he cheating or something else? I've read all the articles available here regarding the sexual life but it didn't came to a conclusion for me. And now he is giving me less attention, more cold towards me.. Is it just me? Really desperate in needing help.. I really appreciate that you took time to read this. And thankyou so much!

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EmpowHER Guest

I would be up front and honest with him about what you know. A relationship is based on honesty and the ability to communicate. So your in the right position to bring up what is bothering you and react upon his reaction.

Your feelings are not dumb or stupid as it is YOUR feelings about the matter. Again, you will only deal with what you choose to deal with...no matter what another person may say. Regardless, it is your choice and you are in control of your own happiness...not him.

I hope this helps.

August 7, 2011 - 9:12am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Thankyou!(: yup I've thought through and I just say whatever is on my mind.. If he really do love me, he will change right? (: I want happiness and love, I'll get what I want(: thanks alot again!!!! (:

August 7, 2011 - 10:02am
(reply to Anonymous)

I think you are thinking about relationships in a very unhealthy way, if I may be blunt!

Relationships are not about "getting someone to love me" or getting them to PROVE they love you because they will change their behavior.

Relationships are about MUTUAL love, respect, communication, trust, honesty (and a million other things) that exist WITHOUT a person changing who they are, and without a person changing behaviors. His behavior of cheating is not a one-time "oops!", but a series of very-well thought-out, premeditated, planned events that he sought out women, went through all the motions and words of getting them to have sex with him, and then hiding this all from you. At no point in all of his sexual conquests with multiple women did you enter his mind (except how to hide it from you), and his behaviors in no way show that he has the same level of commitment, love, honesty, respect, admiration or desire for a monogamous relationship as you do. It is your choice to decide to stay with someone whom you know does not have the same level of all of these critical components of a relationship as you do. You do not need to leave him, but know that you are choosing to stay with this person, knowing all the facts, and allowing him to treat you with less respect than you provide to him.

Happiness and love comes from you...and from you deciding what type of relationship you want and deserve from the beginning.

August 7, 2011 - 11:29am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Alison Beaver)

I'm now a few stops away from seeing him.. Should I go? I'll talk to him for sure. But I'm afraid.. I'm really really afraid..felt like running away.. I don't want to get him to love me.. I want to have mutual love by not forcing.. It's kind of ironic.. For my past 2relationship, it has been the same.. Except that the current one is the most loving, caring and gentle out of all.. Yes I've thought through.. I'm not gg to give in this time. Not anymore. If he really loves me, he'll beg me. If he doesn't, he'll just apologise and shutup.. I'm gg to make my decision from there. Thanks for your advice. I'll update again.. Thanks a million, again (:

August 7, 2011 - 10:33pm
EmpowHER Guest

Hi Missie (: thankyou for your encouragement(: I'm going to give him a last chance if he promise not to do it anymore. But I don't know how to break it to him.. Like, how to tell him that I know.. I want a guy who only wants me and only loves me.. I thought he was the one.. I still think he is.. Maybe I'm just dumb and stupid.. I hope everything goes well..

August 7, 2011 - 8:57am
EmpowHER Guest

Hi Anonymous,
After reading your story, I am sorry that you are going through this pain. The reality of the questions you pose, is what do you want out of a relationship? Do you want someone that will cheat and cry to you later and say your sorry? Or would you rather have someone that adores you and only you?

In any relationship, we only deal with what we chose or allow. If you allow his hurtful behavior, expect it to continue. Will this make you happy if he offers his hand in marriage?

Remember that a man will treat you the way only what you allow. If you chose to leave him, he will never cheat on you again. Please keep us updated and good luck.


August 7, 2011 - 8:15am

You do have a lot going on in your relationship right now, and I'm glad to hear that you are trying to gain some new perspective.

I am unclear exactly on what your knowledge is regarding your boyfriend's STDs, but HPV (genital warts) can be cleared (as you said, he's "recovered") by the body. However, herpes does not have a cure, and although he is on medication that is helping to reduce symptoms, he will always be a carrier of herpes and can infect another partner.

If your boyfriend was diagnosed 6 months ago, and you have been together for 18 months, I am confused why you are asking if he cheated on you, but you also said "it is obvious" where he got the STD from. It sounds like you are now infected, too, and on medication. A person who is symptomatic with STDs will show symptoms within 1-2 months, sometimes just a few weeks, so yes, it does sound like he had other sexual encounters during his relationship with you. Is this something you already know, as I am not clear on your understanding of STDs.

I can't help but ask: are you extremely mad about him infecting you with an STD? An STD for a woman can be life-threatening, it can cause infertility and many other health problems. You sound like you are still trying to please him, allowing him to "tolerate" your mood swings. Are you kidding?! I am truly surprised that you do not think you deserve better than this. A man who cheats on you, infects you with life-altering diseases has the nerve to "tolerate" you, and you think this is an OK relationship? Now he is cold, not giving you much attention. I am not sure what your ideal relationship is, but maybe this is the time to think about what type of relationship you expect for your future. You deserve so much better than this, don't you think?

July 10, 2011 - 7:57am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Alison Beaver)

Thanks for the reply(: I'm really glad about what you've told me(: I have not seen any symtoms eversince. Although we use protection, but there will be occasion when he "forgets". I'm not mad that he might infect me. In fact, he is worried that he might infect me.. He told me tht he went to see a doctor about his condition and he asked the doctor if he could ever have family.. His doctor said that if the sores are gone then it'll be fine and not infect the partner. Although I'm quite concern about this STD, but what I'm more concern is whether does he still loves me? My medication is for my blood infection thalassemia. He told me that a person can have herpes by not having sexual intercourse, I've search the net and saw some article regarding it, and yes it might be true, but it's rare and almost never. Even if he was the "rare" one, then what about genital warts?? I've search the net too and know that genital warts can only be infected by sexual intercourse. Why don't he admit that he cheated? Although this happen quite some time ago and we've talked about it, but it still bothered me Now as I've not gotten the answer I think I deserve. What should I do? I can tell that he is spending more time with me and trying to improve our relationship.. But I don't feel as loved as before, and I feel that I love him more than he love me. Sometimes I think that he might be just stress out because of work. I am really, seriously confused.. Please advise.. (: and thanks a million for your advice once again! (:

July 10, 2011 - 10:20am
(reply to Anonymous)

You are the only person that can determine what you want to do, and you have all of the facts to make an informed decision. It concerns me that this person is lying to you, and trying to make you sound unintelligent to imply (or outright lie) that his particular genital herpes was spread in any other way manner beyond genital-to-genital contact.

This person does not sound like he has your best interests at heart ("forgetting" to use a condom when you have an STD is actively choosing to infect the other person). You are also allowing him to "forget" and not use one, and please know that you have been lucky to this point if you are not yet infected with an STD. Please, please make sure he has a condom on his penis anytime you are both naked or have genital-to-genital contact. You do not know if he is still seeing other people, and if you ever decide that this is not the right person for you, you will be devastated to have an STD from someone when you have all the power and knowledge to protect yourself and your health.

Why would you not be more concerned about your own health that he might infect you? Please know: it does not make him noble that he proclaims to be worried about infecting you, yet lying about where he got the STD and "forgetting" to use a condom. Can you tell us more about yourself: Can you tell us how old you are? Are you in school or working full time? Do you have friends or family that you are close to? Do you have other interests or hobbies that you enjoy and participate in?

July 10, 2011 - 12:32pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Alison Beaver)

Hi, remember me? I wrote to you about a month ago(:
what you said was right.. My bf cheated on me.. I found out by myself recently.. He have been having fuck buddies throughout our whole relationship. I don't know what to do.. I met him today.. I can't stand him touching me, But I still love him nevertheless. I really wish to continue this relationship with him.. I have not told him yet but I plan to do so either tomorrow or the day after.. Please help... I really need advice. Should I forgive him if he is remorseful/want to change? Or should I leave him? I really don't wish to leave him.. He really treated me really nice, loving and caring..what should I do... It hurts so much, felt like dying..

August 6, 2011 - 2:59pm
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