My husband has a porn addiction, should I let him take pictures of me?

An ultimatum may be in order for uncaring men who put their masturbatory habits above their relationships. I have told my man that it is ether porn or me and I mean it. I value myself too much to put up with mental infidelity to distasteful material which is full of degredation and mysoginy.
Fine if you enjoy it too...but to me, it is not acceptable at all.

I feel really bad for you hunni.
I can also see where your coming from.
He has told you a few times now that he would stop and clearly cant keep to that.
My boyfriend of 18 months has always watched porn, and still does though keeps if hidden.
I dont agree unless its a together thing.
I feel like if he wants it then he should come to me, im more than willing.
But he doesnt and always think up some excuse as to why watching porn and having a quick one is better than coming to me.
What annoys me most is he PAYS for it, with our money - hes not even using all the free porn he can find.
Im at a loss, he knows how I feel and still lies to me.
I give up trying to trust things on that side.

www.xxxchurch.com

there are some great resources for porn addiction on this website. hope it helps

Tell him to stop it!

Walk around the house in sexy underwear and each time he looks at porn put a piece of clothing on.

Tell him you'll do anything for him each week at a treat for not looking at porn.

You need to be the centre of his sexual desires

I know it was not my fault and I have never blamed anyone not my mom my sister no one yes I am 21 and he is 22 and no this is not my first long relationship I have had two others witch was one for like a year and one for like 2 years but this is the longest He is still alive he is in jail he gets out april 26, 2012 or 2013 I think but he will never be around my kids but I had him put in jail he took a ple so he only got 8years I belive but if it would have been up to me we would have went to court and he would have lived his life in there but my mom said we were not strong enofe so we gave a ple I never really thoght I had a problem really till here resently over this whole porn thing but I now know I had a lot of problems I will list all of the things from you post that I do have a problem with or have had a problem with

1. Damaged goods: Low self-esteem, depression, self-destructiveness (suicide and self-mutilation), constant search for approval and nurturance.

2. Betrayal: Impaired ability to trust

3. Helplessness: Anxiety, fear, panic attacks.

4. Isolation: lack of supports, poor peer relations.

-fear of sleeping alone, nightmares, night terrors
-Poor body image, poor self-image in general
-Wearing excessive clothing
-Addictions, compulsive behaviors, obsessions
-Self-abuse, skin-carving (also addictive),
-Suicidality
-panic attacks
-Difficulties with anger/rage
-shutdown under stress
-Issues with trust
-abandonment
-Feeling crazy, different, marked

thank you for all your help you know talking about it really helps I just cant talk to anyone really about it I would go try counseling again but I cant do it right now we only have one car that is real big I have not drove much couse we got together when I was just learning how to drive so I ended up just letting him drive all the time so till we get a smaller car I do think that will be soon but I would not mind just talking to you right now but I live in Sevier Co ,TN

Anon,

I am so glad you wrote. There are a lot of things going on here.

Please know that nothing your dad did was right, and was not your fault. Do you know that, for sure? Because no adult should ever have sex with a child, period. An adult is a powerful person in a child's life and they are the only protection that a child has. Instead of protecting you, your father abused you. It's immoral. And it's illegal. And along the way it causes incredible harm to the child.

Is your father still alive? Does he ever have a chance to be around your children?

I want you to consider therapy again, Anon. Just for yourself, by yourself. It sounds like your mom sort of controlled the therapy before, which is why it didn't work for you. Do you need help finding a counselor in your area? We would be glad to help with that, just tell me what city and state you live in, or click on my profile and write me a private message there.

In terms of your husband's porn problem, you can't do anything about that right now. You have asked him to stop and he says he will and then he deceives you to do it. That doesn't have anything to do with your having children or gaining weight. It is not your fault if he promises you something and then lies about doing it anyway.

Here is one sentence that really bothers me: "I already blame myself." It is incorrect for you to assume that if you just lost weight or had larger breasts that everything would be fine. It wouldn't be fine. You might look and feel better, and that is a good reason to lose weight, but the porn issue would still be there.

From the math in your posts I am figuring out that you are just 20 or 21? And he is just 22 or 23? You are both very, very young, Anon, and this is the only long relationship either of you have been in, right? You are dealing with two very young children, a pornography problem, and the fallout from the sexual abuse you suffered as a child. Your sister is most likely experiencing some of the same fallout. And your mom probably can't understand your point of view because she herself was abused in her marriage to your father.

I thought you might be interested in this, Anon. It is an excerpt from "Sexual Abuse: Surviving the Pain" from the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress:

Identifying Adults Abused As Children, from the AAETS:

"The effects of early sexual abuse last well into adulthood, affecting relationships, work, family, and life in general. Individual symptomatology tends to fall into four areas:

1. Damaged goods: Low self-esteem, depression, self-destructiveness (suicide and self-mutilation), guilt, shame, self-blame, constant search for approval and nurturance.

2. Betrayal: Impaired ability to trust, blurred boundaries and role confusion, rage and grief, difficulty forming relationships.

3. Helplessness: Anxiety, fear, tendency towards re-victimization, panic attacks.

4. Isolation: Sense of being different, stigmatized, lack of supports, poor peer relations.

Adult incest survivors may demonstrate some of the following symptoms:

-Fear of the dark, fear of sleeping alone, nightmares, night terrors
-Difficulty with swallowing, gagging
-Poor body image, poor self-image in general
-Wearing excessive clothing
-Addictions, compulsive behaviors, obsessions
-Self-abuse, skin-carving (also addictive),
-Suicidality
-Phobias, panic attacks, anxiety disorders, startle response
-Difficulties with anger/rage
-Splitting/ de-personalization, shutdown under stress
-Issues with trust, intimacy, relationships
-Issues with boundaries, control, abandonment
-Pattern of re-victimization, not able to say "no"
-Blocking of memories, especially between age one and 12
-Feeling crazy, different, marked
-Denial, flashbacks
-Sexual issues and extremes
-Multiple personalities
-Signs of posttraumatic stress disorder

Certain issues appear repeatedly. For example, victims typically blame themselves for the abuse, even if they were two or three years old at the time of the event. Guilt and shame are expressed, along with intense feelings of rage."

There is more here:
http://www.aaets.org/article31.htm

and here:
http://www.livestrong.com/article/12505-sexual-abuse-incest/

Also, the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN) has a free 24/7 hotline that can be either over the phone (1.800.656.HOPE, and calls are completely confidential) or online:

http://www.rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-online-hotline

They can help you find a counseling center in your area. You can do the same by putting your zip code in here:

http://centers.rainn.org/

Anon, is this information of any help to you? Do any of the symptoms seem familiar to you?

my father abused us in all and anyway possible he was a real smart man he could make anyone do anything I went to therapy it did not help me at all my mom told the woman that me and my sister had problems with eachother and she wanted us to get along and the woman only worked on us geting along and we were no diferant than anyother sibs the woman never asked the right Qs I have never had a real problem with what happend to me it is just something coming up now I was 15 and my hubby had just turned 17 a couple weeks before I fell in love so fast I had been with so many guys that were drop dead hot and well I must say my hubby is not so I was never afaird of him cheating or even looking because I was sure he would be happy just to have me and it seem to be true all my girlfriend were enevios of me he set outside my school for hours to wait for me sometimes he would bring me lunch and he was just so good to me he was my first (partner) I have allways trusted him and I dont think it started till we moved next to his mom or I dont know really but anyway I really want to fix it I want him to be happy with me I asked him why we it cant be the way it was before and he said because we have kids it will never be the same I was talking to my sister and I already blame myself and she told me I should work harder on loseing wight but I am trying so hard I am 5'6' and when me and hubby got together I wore a size 8-9 and was 165lbs I got up to a size 16 and 210 and while pregnant size 18 and 231lbs I am down to size 13 and 197lbs I had my son june 16 2009 so I have really been trying but I think it is my boobs I really dont have any and he loves boobs I really cant even fill a size b oh but he said no to counseling thank you so much