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No Sex.

By April 18, 2015 - 12:53pm
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My husband and I have been married almost a year. We've been together seven years.

Sex has always been painful. So much so that I dislike having it. I never orgasm and I really have to concentrate on breathing so he can get it in. We've tried everything. Everything the doctor recommended hasn't worked. I do know it's mind over matter, but it's so hard to control sometimes (I do panic and end up crying). I've probably enjoyed sex 3x time in my lifetime.

Early in our relationship the sex was good - no issues. I was raised that sex outside of marriage is a bad thing. We ended up stopping about two before our wedding because I was feeling guilty. We did everything but have sex.

Because of this we never have sex. My husband doesn't initiate it and I know it's because of the pain it causes. I've also been having trouble with intimacy lately. Kissing, cuddling, etc.Those things make me happy and he enjoys them as well. If the kissing because too intense I start to panic feeling that it will lead to sex. He never pushes me, but he never asks for sex or for us to do more. I know it's probably because of the pain, but I feel so unwanted and that doesn't help either. My mind also can't engage and it wanders and I never feel in the mood.

He was my first and only. He had been with other woman and was quite promiscuous. He is 34 and I'm 29. He's amazing. Gentle. Sweet. Understanding. I can't help but feel like a bad wife because of all of this.

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Hello and thank you for sharing you concerns.  I'd love to give you some helpful thoughts on the matter.

After reading your story, I noticed that perhaps your early concepts of having intercourse may be affecting your psychologically towards the subject.  I notice a pattern of fear surrounding sex.  This may spring from what you were told growing up: that sex is bad, sexual desires are sinful, you should feel guilty about having sex etc etc...

Please note that I am only suggesting causes not diagnosing you.  But perhaps all these fears are now manifesting themselves and causing you to have trouble feeling comfortable with sexual intimacy.

You mentioned crying and panic.  These suggest to me that it is not lack of physical desire but some belief about sex that frightens you.

You may want to explore your true personal beliefs and feelings about sex.  Ask yourself questions like "do I feel like a bad person for enjoying sex" or "will I eventually be punished for having sex before marriage?"  

These kinds of questions may help you discover what is holding you back from enjoying sexual intimacy with your husband.

I wish you all the best on your journey.


April 18, 2015 - 9:30pm
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