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No Vaginal Orgasms

By Anonymous January 10, 2015 - 11:55am
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Or at least, not with my partner. I'm 43 years old, heterosexual, monogamous. I HAVE had vaginal orgasms with a vibrator, but never with a partner. Clitoral stimulation with oral sex is usually the only way I'll orgasm with a partner.
I'm beginning to understand that this is actually more normal than not. I just finished reading an article that said about 75% of women never reach orgasm through vaginal intercourse alone. So I keep telling myself there's nothing "wrong" with me. But this doesn't help much with my current situation.

I've been seeing a man for about six months now. He really does seem to enjoy sex with me, but he wants so much to bring me to orgasm that, well, it's actually hurting me. I'm kind of small--my practitioner usually has to use a pediatric speculum on me. The longer my boyfriend goes at it, the more sore and swollen I get, which pretty much ends any chance of me having an orgasm, even if he then tries to perform oral sex on me.
On one hand, it's heartwarming to me that he seems concerned about my pleasure. He not only is willing to "hold out", but has the ability to keep himself from orgasm until I've had one--which still hasn't happened yet. I usually have to make him stop and then perform oral sex on him--I don't want him to miss out just because I am.
As far as oral sex goes, he certainly seems willing to perform it on me, but he doesn't know his own strength. Somewhere along the line, he's gotten the idea that "harder, faster" is the way to come to orgasm, and that just doesn't work with me. It hurts, and I usually have to make him stop.
I know I should just have a loving but frank discussion with him about this, but I'm afraid that either, A) he'll come to the conclusion that I'm too boring for him, or B) he'll somehow take it as a reflection on him--like there's something "wrong" with him. Which I don't think is true at all. I just think we need to practice our techniques.
Most recently, he tried anal sex with me, and I had to make him stop immediately; it hurt too much. We continued with just vaginal intercourse, and that was a mistake. I ended up with a severe case of honeymooner's cystitis that went up into my kidney. This brings things to a head, if you'll pardon the expression. I really should talk to him, but I don't know how to broach the subject. And despite the information I've gathered about vaginal orgasms, I still feel inadequate somehow. I've thought about a sex therapist, but I don't have any insurance, and good grief, a session costs at least $200. So what are your thoughts? Any other women out there with a dearth of vaginal orgasms? What did you and your partners do? I'd really appreciate any anecdotes or advice.

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Hello, and thank you for sharing your questions and concerns with the community.  It's stories like yours that help other women not feel alone and I can assure you that you are indeed not alone in this! I'd love to give you some helpful hits to get you through this bump in the road.

As you already know, a healthy sexual relationship takes a lot of communication.  The best way to address this subject is surprisingly in the moment.

Before I expand on that, I want you to do a little exercise.  This is a technique that even sports psychologist teach.  You must visualize exactly what you want in a partner situation.  I have a feeling you already have a scenario in mind that you would love to re-inacted with your partner. Now that you have it in your head the only way to execute is by taking the lead.

Your partner, at this point, is only going off perhaps personal experience, misunderstood q's, and a genuine desire to please you.  The one thing he is missing is an accurate concept of what you want!  This is not his fault, and of course you know that.  The best way for him to find out what you want however is not by you telling him, but by you showing him.

 Do not feel like you are depriving him by trying things "your way." You will find that he will enjoy your time together much more when he sees that you are satisfied.  There is no need to have a long discussion before hand.  Show him what you want in the moment.  He will appreciate finally know how to please you without guessing and failing.

I know this is a delicate subject, and with all the artificial sexual visuals out there it is necessary to kill the myths that tend to infiltrate our relationships.

If you want to explore the subject even more, I'd like to recommend The Myth of the Vaginal Orgasm by Anne Koedt written in 1970.  Koedt was a feminist but it contains information that many women can relate to and I believe you would too considering what you have shared.

I wish you good luck on this journey.  Let us know if you have any more questions.


January 10, 2015 - 9:06pm
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