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Why is our sex life different now?

By March 30, 2010 - 5:51pm
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My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 2 years. Up until a few months ago our sex life was great. We would both be satisfied and we would make love several times a day. Now it is very different with us. We dont make love as often....like 2-3 times a week if that. And 95% of the time I am left unsatisfied and feeling hurt. He doesnt even make an attempt to take care of me before, during, or after. Either I have to take care of myself or go without. It feels like he is out to get his and I dont get anything. I'm not saying our love making is horrible...it is actually good. I just dont climax as often as I used to when we first got together. I have sat and talked this out with him about it. He doesnt seem to understand it sometimes. There are nights where I just want to please him and thats all I want. But I guess what I'm asking is how do I get him to do that for me without me having to beg him to do it. I'm tired of feeling stupid for begging or even feeling hurt when I dont get "mine". What can we do or try so that we are both satisfied?

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We have both started working more often and are often away from each other the majority of the day. But this hasnt been an issue for us before. But then again, somethings that were ok before can change and become a little troublesome as time goes on. I do talk to him in plain english and get straight to the point...but I dont think he understands where Im coming from because I never leave him going without. We dont go on as many dates as we used to...and if we do we arent alone. He always manages to invite friends or his sister. And I wouldnt exactly consider our alone dates actual dates. When ever we are out alone, we hit the movies or have lunch. Nothing too special. Before it was so romantic and so new...but maybe thats why it was so romantic. I think we need to take some time for ourselves and get away. Maybe that might help.

April 1, 2010 - 12:48pm
(reply to Elena1186)


Taking some time to get away, just the two of you, is a wonderful idea. Especially if you can go somewhere relaxing, where you'll be tempted to just really lose whatever stress that home and work brings, and let the loveliness of vacation take over.

I think it's great that you can talk to him about this in plain english and that he'll listen. The next step is to get him to understand, and that shouldn't be as hard as it has been! I am assuming that he is aware of when you orgasm and when you do not, and I'm assuming he's also aware that it used to happen more often than it does now. I'm not sure why he isn't making the connection that his behavior has a lot to do with the change!

Always inviting friends or a sister on a date is more of a get-together, not a date!! But it's fun. This is exactly what often happens in a comfortable, long-term relationship -- everyone gets so comfortable with it that it changes the dynamic.

I say if you have the time and ability to get away, even for a weekend, GO FOR IT! And see if you can leave the laptops, etc at home. Just go somewhere where you'll have breakfast, lunch and dinner together; where there are pretty places to take walks; where the pressure to do other things is off. See if that on its own sparks something fun in the bedroom. And if it doesn't, use the opportunity the next day to talk again about it (once you're out of the bedroom, that is). Make sure he knows that for you, not having an orgasm is somewhat similar to him having sex but not finishing.

You both are very lucky in that you know each other well, the lines of communication are open and you know all the mechanics do work. You just now have to get over this rough patch (which he probably doesn't even realize is a rough patch) so that you can be as happy with your sexual life as a couple as it seems he is.

April 5, 2010 - 9:57am
(reply to Diane Porter)

Thank you so much for your advice. It is nice to talk with another woman who understands where I am coming from. I talk to my mother quite often about it, but she isn't too into hearing about my sex life. I guess the whole thinking of me as her little girl has something to do with it. Although my boyfriend doesn't know it yet, I am planning on taking some time off so we can get away. He has been talking about heading out to Disneyland for the weekend sometime in the future (we have yearly passes....you can say we are Disney lovers lol). I am not too sure about the Disneyland thing, but something just as fun might be the right thing for us. I just want to get back to the times where we were more romantic and actually were intimately adventurous. I dont know if you have ever experienced it, but when you are really intimate there are actually sparks. You feel like you are the only two people in the universe and feel as if you are one. Where its more then just sex....its actually "making love". After you can lay in each others arms feeling as if you are floating on cloud nine. I dont know if that exactly makes sense...but thats the only way I can put it.

April 7, 2010 - 1:31am
(reply to Elena1186)

You're so welcome, Elena. I'm so happy that you've got a fun, romantic plan of action with a great goal in mind. I cannot help but think that your boyfriend is going to be thrilled. Good luck with your own Magical Kingdom!!!

April 7, 2010 - 11:16am

Thanks for the information.

April 1, 2010 - 9:21am


Has anything else changed in your lives? Job changes, financial worries, anything that wasn't a concern when you first began dating but has become a concern lately?

Have other things about your relationship changed? When we get to the long-term part of long-term dating, we often let some of the things slip that were so fun in the early days. Do you both still enjoy going out on actual dates, to dinner or movies or dancing? Or has it become more of a relationship where you stay in, cuddle, watch television or stay on the computer at night?

I wouldn't worry about the frequency so much -- it happenss, and it's normal for a longterm relationship to "cool off" a little bit. I do worry, however, that even after talking with your boyfriend, he seems unconcerned by the fact that you aren't satisfied the majority of the time. Did you talk about it in plain language, or did you just hint at it and hope things would get better? Did he express concern?

You can't help what you feel, and if you are honest about your feelings with your boyfriend, his response should be one of concern and an effort to try to help make things better. Clearly, things used to work just fine. So the key is to find out what has changed -- in his life, in his mind -- that is affecting it all now.

Has anything else changed for you? New routines, new medicines, anything like that?

April 1, 2010 - 9:03am
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